If you’re dealing with a narc, there is one guarantee that you can be certain of – the narcissist will discard you.
It’s utterly devastating to think that the person who you thought loved you or at least cared for you, could be so callous. You may have shared a life with them and even gotten married, had kids, the whole deal. And now you find out that not only did they never love you, but the whole thing was built on lies and manipulations.
It’s nothing short of soul crushing. I completely understand because I’ve been through it. Unbeknownst to me I was raised by a narcissist, then fell straight into the arms of another one and spent the next two decades being abused by him.
You’d think that after all of the toxic behaviour we experience at the hands of a narcissist, being discarded by them would be welcome.
However, it’s not as easy as that. Being codependent, trauma bonded and ultimately enmeshed with the narcissist makes the discard an absolutely crushing experience.
There are always some telltale signs that a narcissist is getting ready to discard someone, whether it be a friend, partner, coworker or family member.
So, how do you spot a narcissist discard?
Let’s have a look at why the narcissist discards the people they so readily pretend to care about and how they do it. Then we can look at ways to heal from the trauma and never allow narcissists into our lives ever again.
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◆ Dating a Narcissist →
◆ Divorce a Narcissist & Win →
◆ Tips for Separating from a Narc →
◆ Do They Miss You After Discard? →
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Why do Narcissists Discard?
To understand why narcissists discard, first we need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship was never what we thought it was.
The narcissist made you feel like you were their whole world, especially within an intimate relationship.
The reality is, narcissists are essentially conscienceless, empty voids, wandering the Earth seeking out their next hit of energetic supply. They see other people as mere tools to be used up and thrown out, just like yesterday’s trash.
They simply do not have the capacity to love anyone.
When a narcissist says “I love you,” they actually mean…
“I love what you do for me and give me. I love that you love me.”
Narcissists cut off their True Self when they were younger, leaving them to create a False Self, which is ruled completely by their ego.
With the severing of that True Self, they also cut off their connection to the abundant life force and divine connection. Without that life force, they are left as a defective soul who is filled with inner hatred and self-loathing due to their wounding.
They have been left as drug addicts with ‘narcissistic supply’ being their much-needed drug of choice. Without empathy and a conscience, they will do, say and pretend to be whatever they need to, purely to extract supply from others.
Once a person is depleted, they will ditch them without a backwards glance and move onto the next victim.
The narcissist discard is an inevitable part of the narcissistic abuse cycle.
Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse:
- IDEALISATION – First they’ll put you up on a pedestal and idealise you (also known as Love Bombing). This phase can be loads of fun and very intoxicating.
- THE INCIDENT – Then something will occur, which will cause a switch to flick in the narcissist.
- DEVALUATION – Next, they’ll start invalidating you, putting you down, being cruel and behave in ways that punish you.
- DISCARD/ HOOVER – Finally, they’ll either hoover you back into the cycle, to be abused all over again (if they still see a use for you). Otherwise, they’ll discard you.
Narcissist Discard Signs
Silent Treatment/ Ghosting
Once a narcissist is done they will completely pull back from you. This may be in the form of outright ghosting your messages and calls, right through to not being available for you at all. If you live together they’ll ignore your very existence and dish out their childish silent treatment.
The narcissist’s silent treatment is actually a game. They push you away with the hope or even expectation that you come grovelling back to them. The idea is to keep you in a state of anxiety, because they need you to feel as though you can’t be happy without them.
Even though odds are that they are the ones who should be apologising, the feeling of being deleted from their world is so intense. You may feel the need to do whatever it takes to make everything ‘okay’ again. This is where people often find themselves apologising for things they didn’t even do, just to appease the narcissist and relieve the feelings of pain, rejection and abandonment.
The whole game is based around you being dependent on them, rather than realising that it’s actually the other way around.
During the abuse cycle, the narcissist repeatedly pulls back their attention and affection as an act of ‘punishment,’ then breadcrumbs it back to you as a ‘reward.’ Over time, you become accustomed to thinking that the narc is your form of ‘happiness,’ not recognising that they are the very source of your hurt and pain in the first place.
It’s called the Trauma Bond.
RELATED POSTS:
◆ 7 Stages of Trauma Bonds →
◆ Why Does the Narc Ignore You? →
They Put in Zero Effort
By this point, the narcissist sees no value in even giving you the time of day. Everything with a narcissist is purely transactional. If they can’t get anything from you, they certainly won’t give you anything.
If a narcissist isn’t trying to manipulate and get something from you, then they will not bother wasting their energy pretending and keeping up with false pretences.
All of that effort will be directed at love bombing the new supply and extracting energy over there instead.
Putting in no effort is also a way for the narcissist to reiterate that they are everything and you are nothing, which is a completely false delusion of their own.
Devaluation Increases
Leading up to and during the narcissist discard, they will seem angered and bothered by you all the time. Their devaluations of you will increase in intensity.
When the narcissist looks at you and says such cruel words, they are in fact looking at the unmet parts of themselves, which they refuse to acknowledge. This is not about you at all – it’s about the narcissist.
Rather than seeing their triggers as something unhealed within themselves, their ego instantly throws them onto the outside world. Now you are expected to fix them, solve their problems and take responsibility for that which they refuse to do themselves.
As far as the narcissist is concerned…
“You must do as I say.”
“You must take away my pain.”
“You must admire and worship me as a God.”
“You must pour an unlimited supply of energy into my empty void.”
“If you try and fight back, I will punish you.”
They’re Emotionally Void
I mean, let’s be honest, narcissists are emotional voids at the best of times. However, they were able to charade a false image of themselves in the beginning. They showed us a person who somewhat cared and feigned empathy where necessary.
Then things changed and that switch inside of them flipped.
“Not only are you too sensitive, it’s your own damn fault that all of this is happening to you.”
Now, during the narcissist discard phase, they won’t even bat an eyelid that you’re crying. They are devoid of any real human emotion and are completely unmoved by the fact that they are the cause of your pain and tears.
In fact, they kinda get off on it. I mean, the fact that they mean that much to you and that they have that much control over you, just validates their ego even more.
But your emotions mean nothing to them. They are nothing but an inconvenience unless they somehow serve the puppet master (the narc).
New Supply on the Scene
You know the narcissist is done with you when they’ve replaced you. Whether they’ve got a new BFF or ‘soulmate,’ you can be sure everyone will know about it!
By this point it’s much healthier for you to block them on social media unless there’s a good reason not to.
Narcissists are infamous for flashing their new supply all over their social accounts. They’ll be regularly posting photos of all the fun and exciting moments they’re now sharing with this new person, who is apparently way better than you ever were.
It’s extremely hurtful and immature – all of the things narcs love.
Their false self absolutely needs to paint a picture to the world that they are the amazing one and you were the defective one.
Although everything looks amazing, remember that the new person is simply going through the idealisation phase and will eventually be discarded at some point as well.
If you’re wondering if the new supply is getting a better version of the narc than you, the answer is no. The narc has learnt a lot from you and other supplies along the way, but the only thing they’ve improved upon are their manipulation tactics.
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◆ Do They Treat New Supply Better? →
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They Change
If you notice some dramatic changes in the narcissist, these may be signs of a narcissist discard coming up.
Maybe they’re spending a lot more time on their appearance and how they’re presenting themselves to the world. They might be spending a lot more time out or on their phone, but make up stories to cover what they’re actually up to.
You intuition is screaming at you that something’s not right, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.
After being miserable and firing all of their pain towards you, they now suddenly seem happier and have a bounce in their step.
This leads us to the next narcissist discard sign…
You’re Finding Your Strength
If you begin to build up some strength towards the narcissist over time, that does not bode well for their narrative.
Every little piece of their bad behaviour that you see through and stand up against, all creates a strength in you that you may not even be aware of.
I remember a few years before I left my narc husband, I came across some information about narcissism, which is when the penny dropped about my mother being a narc.
Although it took two more years for me to be pushed to leave my husband, it wasn’t until after I’d left that I realised he was also a narcissist.
During the break-up, he said to me, “ever since you started standing up to your mum, you changed. You started taking it out on me!” Even though I hadn’t seen or recognised any of that within myself, he had very much noticed the strength building in me and took it as a personal attack against him.
They Stop Hoovering
Once the narcissist sees no more value in you (as in, they can no longer siphon you for your resources), they won’t bother trying to hoover you back in.
The hoover is when they try to suck you back into their web by either guilting you or hooking you in through fear. They’ll play on your compassion or shine a light on your deepest insecurities, which they got to know very well during the idealisation phase.
If they are getting their fill elsewhere from far better sources of narcissistic supply, they may leave you alone… for a while.
Eventually though, be prepared to be hoovered at some point when all of their other sources dry up. Narcs truly do see all of their past connections at items that they own. As far they’re concerned, once you’ve been through their cycle of abuse at least once, they can attempt to hoover you back in at any time in the future.
Once you see them for who they truly are and recognise their hoover tactics, the game is up. They’ll never be able to hook you back in again.
| READ: 12 Narc Hoover Tactics → |
Gaslight You to Control the Storyline
If a narc knows the end is nigh, they cannot stand the thought of anyone else knowing any truth about who they are.
They will gaslight you and manipulate your memories and reality in such a way as to try and make you take the blame for the abuse and their poor behaviours.
In fact, in the narcissist’s delusional world, they actually believe that they are the victim and you the abuser. That’s the level of mental disorder we’re dealing with here.
My narc ex actively did this after the break-up. He’d get me into conversational corners and question me with things that clearly had no right answer.
“I never stopped you from spending money, did I?”
“I didn’t stop you from seeing your friends, did I?”
If I answered those questions truthfully, I knew he’d get me into a word salad and the conversation would continue to escalate until I caved and he got the result he wanted. Or, if I agreed with what he said, then I’d just okayed his behaviour, with serves to strengthen his public storyline.
It wasn’t safe and there was no right answer.
They Blame You
Narcissists are famous for projecting their own bs onto others, then actually blaming the other person for the very things that they themselves are doing.
What’s actually going on here is that the narcissist cannot and will not self-reflect. They do not have the resources to look within at their own wounds when something is triggered within them.
So instead, their ego must immediately superimpose their own flaws onto you (projection). The twisted thing is that in the narcissist’s warped reality, they genuinely think that you are the one doing all of the wrong things.
Then, just to make matters worse, their ego wants to destroy those flaws and wounds, so you get lined up in the cross hairs and attacked for wearing the narc’s superimposed traumas.
Also, given that the narc takes zero responsibility, they will blame you for all of the reasons why the friendship or relationship didn’t work. So, not only are you being completely discarded, but it’s actually your own fault (in their mind).
And yep… they genuinely believe that.
Triangulation/ Smear Campaign
Right on the back of being blamed for everything, the narcissist will be actively talking to anyone and everyone you know to rewrite the storyline. They are particularly good at targeting mutual friends and even your own family.
Narcissists must control everything and enlisting ‘Flying Monkeys’ is a big part of that.
By this point, you are their biggest threat because you’re onto them. You’ve seen aspects of who they truly are, not the false image that they put so much energy into showcasing to the world.
Their ego is on a rampage and will not risk being outed or revealed in any way. They will do whatever it takes to paint themselves as the victim and you as the perpetrator, regardless of what the truth is.
You see, the narcissist is a pathological liar. They lie constantly to get their own way and will even believe their own lies over time. Narcs are brilliant and confident liars, holding eye contact and really wrapping people into their storyline.
Before you’ve even had a chance to talk to anyone, the narc has already painted the picture for everyone, making anything you say completely unbelievable.
Smear campaigns can be utterly devastating and even serve to destroy peoples careers and reputations irreparably.
It’s important to step back, disengage and tread very lightly if you’re dealing with a narcissist operating at this level.
The Mask Falls
By the time you get to the final narcissist discard stage, they can’t help but show you who they truly are.
Seeing a narcissist’s mask fall is a truly frightening experience.
Once I left my husband and moved out, his true colours really came through. I saw a side of him I’d never witnessed before in the twenty years I’d known him (even through the abuse)!
His eyes went dark and were completely soulless and his vengeance was horrifying. It was not what I expected to witness from the father of my children. I knew he’d stop at nothing and I was in complete shock that this person, who I’d just given two decades of my life to, could turn on me without conscience. It totally broke me.
All of their true traits will shine through because they simply cannot hold that mask up a second longer once they’ve been discovered.
They may expose many of their lies and you will no doubt be able to understand the false storyline that they are portraying to others.
Unfortunately, even though you’ve seen the mask slip, others probably never will. This makes it even harder when they run your name through the mud, all with a smile on their face.
They can look at you, knowing that you know, but there’s not a damn thing you can do about it… because who would believe you anyway?
It’s the final piece in the soul destroying puzzle, just when you think they can’t do any more damage.
How to Deal with a Narcissist Discard
There’s no doubt about it, being on the receiving end of a narcissist discard is extremely painful. In the beginning, you thought this person was great and that you’d have many awesome years ahead together.
It’s utterly heartbreaking to then witness and feel the wrath of a completely different person coming at you, causing such intentional hurt and pain. In fact, the more pain they see you in, the ‘happier’ they seem to be. It’s horrendous.
You were sold a lie and you put your heart and soul on the line, only to have it smashed into a million pieces.
Although all may feel lost at this point (I can totally resonate, I’ve been there myself), I can assure you that it’s not.
Here are some things to help you not only deal with the discard dished out at the hands of the narcissist, but to actually step into your power and become a stronger person because of it.
No Contact
The first step I recommend is to go No Contact with the narcissist. They’ve essentially erased you from their life for now, but they will do everything they can to still garner supply from you in the psychic realm.
As we’ve already touched on, narcissists love to display their new supply to anyone and everyone, including all over social media. This new supply is totally validating their existence and they need everyone to see that.
To protect yourself, you really don’t need to be seeing what they’re up to and you don’t need to be hearing through mutual acquaintances about it either. You can politely ask your friends and family who still have contact with the narc, to not talk about what they’re up to at all.
If they respect you, they will absolutely abide by your wishes. If they continue to talk to you about the narc, beware that they may be a Flying Monkey for the narc. That is someone who is in the narc’s inner circle and the narc uses to goad you and get information about you.
You may still be highly triggered every time you hear about or see the narcissist. You’ll no doubt also be triggered every time you think about the injustices dealt at the narcissist’s hand.
Every time you rerun the hurts of the past, you will essentially be granting the narcissist more supply, which I’m sure is the last thing you want.
I totally get it, they will never offer you any apologies or closure. The pain of the injustices are huge! Especially when they tell others that you were to blame and that you did all of the horrible things.
RELATED ARTICLES:
◆ A Narc’s Reaction to being Ignored →
◆ What to Expect with No Contact →
Heal Yourself
The only way forward from here is to heal yourself and raise your vibration to a place in which no narcissist can ever live again. That is the ultimate ‘win,’ as you will then have the ability to go on and live the amazing, healthy life that you were always meant to live.
The narcissist was merely a catalyst. Unbeknownst to them, they have played a huge role in your spiritual awakening. Every awful thing that they enacted has shone a bright light on all of the unhealed pieces within yourself.
We all have our own unmet traumas from our past in this life and other lifetimes. Every time you’re drawn to someone who triggers those hurts, you are looking outside of yourself for someone else to fix your hurts and show up the way you need them to.
Unfortunately, that strategy will never work.
They only way to heal your inner wounds is to go in and meet them. Acknowledge those parts of yourself, love them and then release them from your body.
Accessing higher healing via Selina Hill (see below), an accomplished spiritual medium is the only way that I’ve personally been able to fully shift the deep-seated wounding from within myself.
| REMOTE HEALING SESSIONS |
|---|
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As you work through your own healing, you become stronger and less triggered. Over time, narcissistic energy can no longer be a match for you.
You have the opportunity to step into your own power and be completely self-reliant. No one can ever have any type of power over you ever again.
This is the true path out of narcissistic abuse.
I hope you’ve found some useful information from this article and are feeling more empowered about stepping into your own true place in this life.
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