Going ‘No Contact’ with a narcissist is an absolute essential piece of the puzzle when trying to heal from the abuse they have put you through. But do narcissists come back after no contact, or will they leave you alone forever?
Simply cutting a narcissist out of your life isn’t always a straight forward process. As we well know, narcissists are all about control.
If it was you who decided to go no contact with the narcissist, then you have effectively made a drastic change in the relationship dynamics on behalf of them and they will not like that one bit.
If they were the ones to instigate no contact, they will still feel as though the power is in their hands, which they can wield at their leisure.
Even if you still have children, property or business with this person and can’t go full no contact, there are ways to modify the contact in such a way as to reduce it to the barest minimum.
RELATED POSTS:
◆ Low Contact with a Narc Ex →
◆ When You Block a Narcissist →
◆ Stop Enabling the Narcissist →
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Going Low Contact or No Contact with a Narcissist
As they say, you can’t heal in the environment in which you were hurt. This could not be more prominent when considering a narcissistic person and how they abuse and treat others.
Due to the very nature of narcissism, they have zero capacity (or desire) to self-reflect and look at how their words and actions affect those around them.
In essence, they are run solely by their ego, which is all arrogant, self-serving, manipulative, vindictive and competitive. None of those traits allow space for the narcissist to look at their own behaviour without instantly flipping the script to make themselves out to be the victim at the hands of your behaviour.
How many times have you tried (and failed) to reason with a narcissist or tried to get them to see your side of the story, just to end up in a confusing word salad? They’ll bring up ten other topics, completely take you off-track, blame you for “making it all about you,” only to find yourself apologising for something you’re sure you’ve never even done!
They’re bloody good, I’ll give them that.
This is exactly why going no contact with a narcissist is so detrimental to your healing.
You can’t talk things out with them with the goal of finding peace or closure. In fact ‘peace’ and ‘closure’ are two words that do not exist in a narcissist’s vocabulary.
Peace, closure, healing and acceptance must all come from within yourself. That is one of the hidden gifts that come from narcissistic abuse.
Throughout the gruelling healing process, if you allow yourself to fully submerge in it, you will finally come home to yourself – your true authentic self. It’s there that you’ll find what it was that you were always looking for.
Unconditional self-love, self-acceptance, security and validation.
However, up until now you’ve always sought to find those things outside of yourself.
Divine creation (whatever that looks like for you) wanted you to find those treasures within yourself, however you didn’t know how. So, they delivered you one, or many, narcissists to help you truly understand the detriment of handing that power over to someone else, versus harnessing your own power from within.
It’s time to cut all narcissistic energy out of your life and focus on healing your deep inner wounds. When you do the work, you get to emerge from the cocoon as a butterfly into the new and amazing life that awaits you.
What is ‘No Contact’ versus ‘Low Contact?’
No contact with a narcissist is exactly as it sounds. You essentially block and delete them from your life. No reaching out to them in any way and no accepting contact from them in any shape or form.
If they do try to hoover you in, using various ‘innocent’ tactics, you must stay strong and defy the narcissist. Do not respond!
You may even need to reduce or cut contact with any mutual friends who you know still see the narcissist. They will probably end up acting as ‘flying monkeys’ for the narcissist and may betray you without even realising the damage that they’re doing (or… maybe they do).
In the situation of still having children, property or business to settle with the narcissist, then low contact is the way to go. This would also apply for those who are in the situation of the narcissist being a boss, coworker or family member etc.
Low contact means you only communicate regarding the bare essentials that need to be communicated about. No deviating off the topic, no niceties, just stick to the facts.
Practicing ‘grey rock’ when doing low contact is a great tool for keeping the narcissist at a distance. You basically channel the energy of a very bland and boring rock and be that. Make yourself so dull and forgettable that the narcissist will literally have no interest in you whatsoever.
Will the Narcissist Come Back After No Contact?
On a larger scale whether or not that narcissist comes back after no contact will depend on your personal situation and what type of character you’re dealing with.
If you were a source of narcissistic supply for them that they were reliant on, then yes, the narcissist will come back after no contact.
They may hold out on the no contact as a way to dish out silent treatment to you, punish you and regain control of the situation. But even after that, you can often expect to find them attempting to come back when their other sources of supply dry up.
If they have ‘owned’ you once, then they believe that they own you forever.
I know that you’re an autonomous human being who is owned by no one, however the narcissist doesn’t see you that way. They think that people are just pawns to be used in their game of winning and feeding their addiction of narcissistic supply.
But, just because the narcissist thinks they own you, doesn’t make it a reality. As long as they can still play on your fears and manipulate you into doing what they want, then yes they effectively still have you.
Once you take your power and energy back, particularly through healing your inner wounds, then you’ll no longer be triggered by them and they no longer have any power over you.
Why a narcissist WILL come back after no contact
Total Disregard for Your Boundaries
Expect your boundaries to be crossed because quite simply, the narcissists thinks that they’re entitled to you. They will totally ignore the new boundaries that you’ve set because the rules don’t apply to them.
They’ll use their sense of familiarity with you to get you to willingly lower your own boundaries so that they can step right back in. It happened so many times throughout the relationship that everything will feel all too ‘normal.’ Except that there’s nothing normal about someone else disrespecting your boundaries or manipulating you so that you remove them yourself.
To Win
Narcissists love to win at all costs. It inflates their ego and makes them feel extra special, superior and important.
If a narcissist can hoover you back in and successfully break no contact, in their mind, they’ve won the challenge. They’ll be feeling smug that they’ve got you back into their cycle of abuse, which they believe is your rightful position.
The fact that you’ve allowed them back into your world effectively hands your power back to them and ‘okays’ all of their previous behaviour.
To Reclaim Control
If there’s one thing that a narcissist hates it’s losing power. When you are in no contact with them, they have zero control over you, who you’re talking to and what you might be doing.
If some of their other tactics don’t work in getting you to break no contact with them, they’ll eventually crack and become rageful. You may get explosive phone calls (don’t answer!), voicemails, text messages, emails and messages through social media.
When they can’t reach you via those means, they might move on to trying to get to you through your work, family members and mutual friends.
To Discard You
If you were the one to have discarded the narcissist and initiated no contact, in their eyes you must be punished.
“How dare you discard me. I am the one who must hold that power!”
They will use seemingly innocent tactics to get you to break no contact, purely for the purpose of hooking you back in, then discarding you themselves.
Fear of Losing Their Supply
Ultimately, the narcissist needs supply in the form of validation and attention from others to reaffirm for them that they are important and admirable. They fear not having that constant stream of supply and you going no contact threatens their access, especially if there is no one else around to provide that for them.
They Have No Substitute
A narcissist will try to come back after no contact if they are running short on alternative sources of supply. Maybe they discarded you for a new supply, thinking they could elevate themselves better elsewhere, but that hasn’t turn out as they expected.
Narcissists are known for keeping exes and old supplies on the shelf, just in case they have need to draw on them in future.
They Need or Want Something
The narcissist will come back after no contact if you have something that they want. They’ll pretend to have missed you or care about what you’ve been up to, but ultimately they want something. It could be sex, money, belongings or even status (which they want to piggyback off).
If you refuse to hand over whatever it is they’re asking for, that will be seen as a blow to their ego and they will project accordingly. They may threaten you, blame you, start a smear campaign about you and so on, just to get even with how you’ve mistreated them and ultimately denied them of what they want.
To Stop a Shame Spiral
For a narcissist, being ignored will trigger a narcissistic injury, which can result in a shame spiral. The rejection causes such huge feelings of humiliation, unworthiness and ultimately, shame.
As an attempt to hold their fractured sense of self together and even save face publicly, the narcissist will come back after no contact as a way of shifting the power position back into their hands.
There is Still Supply to be Had
After all is said and done, if the narcissist thinks there is still some supply to be extracted from you, they will continue to return and do whatever they can to get it.
Narcissistic supply is their drug and you were once the dealer. If they can still use your fear, empathy, compassion, codependency and other vulnerabilities against you, they will.
Ignoring their plights and not responding to any contact is crucial here. They will try anything to get to you, so don’t be surprised with the tactics they pull.
The narcissist is not your responsibility, no matter how hard they may tug on your heartstrings.
Why a narcissist WON’T come back after no contact
They’ve Found ‘Better’ Supply
If the narcissist has pretty well emptied you out of your life force energy, leaving you desolate and broken, then they simply do not need you any more. You offer them nothing and they will have secured ‘better’ supply elsewhere.
You can bet that when the airwaves go quiet from an ex narcissist friend or partner, they’re wrapped up in the shiny new supply elsewhere.
To Punish You
Instilling no contact with a narcissist is an utter rejection for them. Despite appearances of confidence and grandiosity, their biggest fear is actually being abandoned. That’s why they seek to manipulate you so hard, so that they can control you. Therefore you will not/ cannot leave them.
Going no contact with a narcissist means that you’ve rejected them and abandoned them. How dare you! You must now be punished and blamed in order for the narcissist to cover up their true inner pain of being dismissed.
They Want You to Chase Them
The narcissist’s grandiosity and inflated sense of self will want you grovel back to them, especially if they were the ones to have instilled no contact. After all, they are the superior, amazing human who deserves to be revered. You should be chasing them and if you’re so (un)lucky, they’ll let you back into their world of pain.
What to Expect with the Narcissist and No Contact
How will they get you to break no contact?
The number one way a narcissist will get you to break no contact is via hoovering.
The term hoovering is derived from the hoover vacuum, which is all about sucking things up, right? Well, the narcissist aims to suck you back into their toxic life, by switching on their hoover tactics. But once you know what you’re looking at, they won’t work.
Narcissistic hoovering works based around two main methods:
- They’ll use your empathy & compassion against you – tug at your heartstrings
- They’ll use your fears and insecurities against you – guilt and bully you
What will a narcissist say to get you back?
“Hey, I just drove past your old favourite cafe and thought of you. So, how have you been anyway?” – aimlessly reaching out
“I’m so sorry if I hurt you. Please, can we just have a chat to work this out?” – pretending to be repentant
“I just got you a little something. Can I come over to drop it off?” – offering gifts or money
[Leaves a big bunch of flowers on your doorstep with a note] – attempting to love bomb all over again
“Let’s have that baby we always planned for!” – making false promises that they never intend on keeping
“How could you ignore me right now when my Dad’s so sick?!” – guilt tripping
“Hey babe, what are you up to? Let’s catch up!” – pretending like nothing’s even happened
“I remember that it’s your birthday and I really hope you have a great day. Just wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking of you.” – using significant dates as an excuse to contact you
“I love you so much. I’ll never love anyone else ever again.” – professing their (false) undying love
“Did you hear that [insert narcissist’s name] got a huge promotion?” – using mutual friends/ family to get to you
“I’m so sorry to call you, it’s just that I’ve tried everyone else. I’ve hurt myself pretty badly and need to get it checked out. Is there any chance you could give me a lift?” – needing your urgent help
“I knew that you were seeing someone else behind my back!” – falsely accusing you so that you feel the need to defend yourself
RELATED POSTS:
◆ 12 Narc Hoover Tactics →
◆ Responding to a Narc Text→
How does the narcissist feel about no contact?
During no contact the narcissist will feel completely out of control and they won’t like that. They’re used to having you in the palm of their hand, dancing to the beat of their drum.
At first they’ll see no contact as a challenge. That’s when they’ll try all of the fear, guilt and empathy tactics to try and regain the position of power and have you back where they want you – handing over supply to them.
If that doesn’t work, they may start to crack under the pressure, especially if they don’t have another solid form of supply on hand.
If they fail to get you breaking no contact and becoming a source of energy for them again, they will quickly move on to someone else. They cannot afford to be without their much-needed drug as their ego needs it for its survival at all costs.
How do narcissists react when you go no contact?
To have someone go no contact with a narcissist is a huge blow to their ego. They truly think that they’re superior and will genuinely not understand what they’ve done to deserve such treatment.
They can flip between anger and resentment, because how dare someone do that to them! Plus, they can also bounce down into fear at losing control and losing access to their drug.
They will do anything to manipulate the situation back into their favour:
- Stalk and harass you
- Hoover you back in
- Do anything to regain the position of power
- Publicly smear you to re-inflate their ego, control the storyline and save face
- Replace you quick smart
What happens when you ignore a narcissist?
Narcissists react pretty poorly to being ignored because the very existence of their ego is built around, “me, me, me!” Even though they portray the reality of being a grandiose individual who deserves to be idolised, deep inside their biggest fear is that of abandonment.
What happens when you ignore a narcissist and go no contact? You have directly abandoned them and actualised their greatest insecurity.
However, since the narcissist has no capacity to look inwards and acknowledge that deep wound, they will instantly project their deficiency onto the outside world, as a knee-jerk reaction.
Here are some reactions when you ignore a narcissist:
- They’ll ignore you back in the hopes that you’ll chase them
- Give you fake promises and apologies
- Play the victim card
- Make accusations against you
- Make threats towards you
- Fly into a rage
- Smear your good name
- Control the storyline with your friends and family
- Replace you before you can bat an eyelid
Does no contact hurt the narcissist?
Setting the boundary of no contact with a narcissist hurts them incredibly! It causes a huge narcissistic injury and can bring up uncomfortable feelings of shame and unworthiness within them, which they do not want to feel.
They don’t see it as being their issue or responsibility for having those core wounds, no… it’s your fault for triggering them and having to make them actually feel those things for a hot second.
Now you must be punished for shining a spotlight on it. How incredibly hypocritical considering that is exactly their method of controlling those around them. That right there is the epitome of narcissism.
How do you know if the narcissist will come back?
The best way to know if the narcissist will come back is by asking yourself this question… will you allow them to come back?
“Will you allow the narcissist back in your life?
If the narcissist is able to still weasel their way in by tapping into your fears, insecurities and level of empathy, then they will continue to come and go from your life as they please.
A narcissist will even come back years later if they are short on supply because they think they’re still entitled to use you for whatever they want. If they could hook you in once, why couldn’t they do it again? It’s almost a fun, challenging game for them, where they will aim to win despite everything that has gone before.
The narcissist will continue to come back as many times as you let them. There’s no magic number, it all comes down to you setting firm boundaries and not allowing their manipulations any more.
This is why holding no contact is so crucial. Every single time they attempt to return, you must refuse to accept them in. Over time, just like a dog learning a new behaviour, they’ll realise that you’re a complete waste of time and energy for them because you no longer offer supply.
Does the narcissist regret leaving you or losing you?
The narcissist doesn’t feel empathy or compassion for you, nor will they ever see things from your perspective. You will never receive any type of closure or apology from a narcissist, because their ego will never allow them to be wrong.
The narcissist cut off their ability to feel any compassion or remorse for others when they severed the connection with their true self, due to childhood trauma.
If they regret leaving you or losing you it’s only because they are feeling the deficit of not having your supply on tap. They may regret that you found out some truth about them, example that they were cheating. But that doesn’t mean they regret the cheating, it means they regret not manipulating the events harder so that they didn’t have the inconvenience of losing your attention and validation, which they need as fuel.
If they regret not having you anymore, it’s because they regret losing you as a supply, not as a person.
Does the narcissist miss you?
The narcissist will certainly miss the things you provided for them and gave them, but they won’t miss you personally.
If they’re lacking in supply elsewhere, their mind will flick back to you as being such a grand source of validation, attention, admiration, praise, sex, financial security and so on.
The narcissist never loved you, they loved that you loved them. It’s what you gave them that they miss (admiration, attention, sex, money, power etc.)
What happens when the narcissist realises they’re losing you?
When a narcissist realises they’re losing you, their ever-loyal servant, first and foremost they’ll freak out at the prospect of being exposed. You’ve seen pieces of who they really are and those are the very pieces they work tirelessly to hide from the world.
They probably thought they had you so well under control that you’d never expose them. To counter that problem, they’ll need to ramp up the devaluing, just to crush your self-esteem good and proper.
If that fails, they’ll move on to hoovering tactics to try and coerce you back into their abusive web. That way, you’ll remain as their supply and emotional punching bag.
If you still decide to leave and go no contact, then they’ll be left with no choice but to embark on a smear campaign. The aim is to make themselves appear as the poor victim at the hands of your abusive behaviour. They’ll want to make damn sure that no one believes any truths that you may have to say, plus they’ll want to keep their ego’s image in tact.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to supply. They need it for the survival of their false self and it’s a matter of life and death for them. Exterminating you in the process helps to protect their inner truth from ever being revealed. They will need to replace you as quickly as they can (if they don’t already have secondary supply in the wings) once you become futile.
How to tell when a narcissist is done with you for good?
You know a narcissist is done with you for good when they finally leave you alone. You won’t hear from them any more and they will stop trying to hoover you.
Once they’re sure there’s nothing left to take from you and they’ve well and truly secured better supply, they will not waste any more energy on you. You don’t even exist to them anymore. Now, you can breathe a sigh of relief and count your lucky stars!
So, will the narcissist ever let you go completely? Yes, if they’ve completely exhausted all life force energy that they can extract from you and there’s nothing left in it for them, they’re done with you.
However, if their new supply gets jack of them and pushes them away or they discard the supply, they may try come back around to you if they think you’ll be available. You just need to remain unavailable and ignore any attempts they make until they get the picture.
When do you know you’re finally over the narcissist?
When you know you’re finally over the narcissist is when you simply stop caring.
You’ll just notice one day that you don’t even think about them anymore. You’re no longer ruminating about all of the injustices and things that were said and done. But most importantly, you are no longer triggered by them.
Here are some signs that you’re over the narcissist:
- Feel completely neutral about them (no anger or hatred)
- Simply do not care anymore
- No longer look them up on social media
- Don’t feel guilty for speaking truthfully about what’s happened
- Can see the gift and lessons in the relationship
- No longer fear them
- Living a healthier life
- Your view of a healthy and ideal relationship is completely different now
- Your view on life has shifted
| READ: Self-care After Abuse → |
Healing Yourself Beyond Narcissism
| REMOTE HEALING SESSIONS |
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