Let’s be honest, life with a narcissist is one big rollercoaster… and not a fun one.
A life filled with ups and downs, walking on eggshells and making yourself small so that you don’t subconsciously overshadow them. It’s a total mine field, especially before you come into the awareness of narcissism, because you’re unable to understand the ridiculousness oozing out of this person.
You might be wondering, what are the telltale signs a narcissist is done with you? There are a handful of things that you can look for, but more than anything, it’s important to realise that a narcissist is never really done with you.
However, do not despair! There is one way you can truly be finished with the narcissist so that you can move forward into a life of freedom.
Let’s get into it.
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A Narcissist is Never Done with You
Although we can go through all of the signs a narcissist is done with you, the truth is, there is only one true way to know for sure.
A narcissist is finished with you only when YOU are completely done with them, refusing all entry.
Little did you know that you were actually the one to wield the power all along.
The Truth About Narcissism
Long ago, the narcissist disowned their True Self, which was the part of them that was able to fully embody what it means to be a human. Without their True Self, they’re not able experience empathy, compassion, kindness or love. They’re an empty, conscienceless vessel.
They have left nothing but their ego in charge, which has created a False Self to protect themselves from the fact that they’re actually just as flawed as everybody else.
This False Self creates false realities, which trick the narcissist into believing that they’re a superior and entitled being. Their arrogance and entitlement stem from the inner belief that they’re special and above all others.
However, the truth is much darker. Narcissists are fractured souls who need to feed off the life force energy of other whole souls in order to keep their psychological state stable.
When the narc amputated their authentic self, they also severed their own access to the divine life force. Where that piece of themselves once sat, now sits an empty black hole.
For them to abate the absolute pain and despair, which is the empty void, they seek constant self-medication. The only way they are able to band-aid that pain is by stealing the life force energy from other people, however the fix is only ever temporary.
For a narcissist to truly heal, they would need to look within, acknowledge their flaws and reestablish the connection with their inner being. However, the very nature of narcissism makes that a near impossibility. The ego is a relentless tyrant who will not allow them to have access to that truth, because that would mean the death of itself (the ego).
The narcissist has left themselves living the life of a drug addict who constantly needs a hit. For a narcissist, their drug is called narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply is basically any attention, which serves to consistently validate the ego’s false narrative that it is a god.
Examples of Narcissistic Supply:
- Being admired
- Compliments and flattery
- Fame and infamy
- Being in absolute control of everything and everyone
- Playing the victim (gaining attention)
- Appearing successful (financially, physically, materially)
Much like any drug addict, the narcissist will do anything that is necessary to secure and maintain their supply.
Although narcs have no capacity to experience love or empathy, they’ve learned through years of observing and practicing, how to fake it, right down to the finest of details.
Narcissists are the greatest actors (manipulators) on Earth. They are truly devils in disguise and their game is always about controlling others in order to get what they want (resources and energy).
It’s easy now to see why narcissists do not view other people as living, breathing beings with their own hopes, dreams and desires. They have zero emotional capacity or attachment, therefore people are merely tools to be used in order to get their own needs met.
Why a Narcissist is Never Done with You
This is why a narcissist is never truly finished with you.
They believe that if they’ve ‘owned’ you once, they own you forever. In other words, if they’ve worked you out and know how to manipulate you, they feel pretty confident that they can sweep in at any time and hook you back into their toxic web.
It may be one month, two years or even three decades. But to them, you aren’t gone, you’re just sitting on the shelf for use at a later date.
A narcissist’s life is made up of a string of people who feed them narcissistic supply. If they run out of supply elsewhere and desperately need a hit, they’ll just walk on back into your life as though nothing has ever happened.
They will often restart the love bombing phase, although this time around it’s called a ‘hoover.’ Once they’ve reestablished the connection by plugging directly back into your life force energy, they’ll revert back to the same old abusive cycle whereby they take and you give.
|READ: How Narcissists Hoover →|
The One True Way to Be Finished with a Narcissist
The most painful gift that narcissists bring us, is the ability to see our wounds in order to heal them.
Narcissists are experts at locating our deepest traumas and ripping them open. Then they’ll proceed to rub salt into them, all in order to extract our life force energy from the heavy emotions and reactions they’ve triggered.
The gift hidden in all of this pain is seeing exactly what our unhealed traumas are, so that we can acknowledge them and release them from our bodies forever. Quanta Healing is the only successful way I’ve found to do this personally. In fact I’ve completely freed myself from many layers of C-PTSD, which has been life-changing.
|READ: PTSD from Narc Abuse →|
As we heal ourselves on the deepest of levels, the things that narcissists were able to previously trigger us with, completely evaporate.
We become our own source of love, validation and security, instead of seeking those things outside of ourselves. We become sovereign beings who no longer hand our precious power over to anybody else, much less empty voids that can never be satiated.
As we see through the narcissist’s mask, we see the weak, vulnerable child inside who can never again throw a tantrum in order to manipulate or control us.
The narcissist becomes completely irrelevant to us, which is one of the best signs a narcissist is done with you… because you’re completely done with them.
Signs a Narcissist is Done with You… for now
We already know that the only true way for a narcissist to be finished is when they no longer have any power over you.
However, you may be wondering, what are the signs a narcissist is done with you (for now) from their end? Here are some things you can look for leading up to or after a narcissist discard to indicate that they may be finished with you.
Keep in mind, many of these things can also be the normal behaviours of the narcissist, however if you notice that these things have become increasingly severe or heightened, they may be signs a narcissist is done with you.
You’re Not Providing Enough Supply
In the narcissist’s world, they are the central point in which everything revolves around. The aim of their initial love bombing is to make you fall for them under false pretences, then hook you into their web.
Next, they’ll work to subtly program you into believing their false reality, which dictates that everything must be about them. You are a mere servant and nothing more.
If the narcissist feels that they’re not getting enough supply from you, they won’t stick around for that.
Maybe you’ve got a demanding career, which they loved at first because your success made them look good. However, before long, they’re chastising you for working too hard and not paying enough attention to them.
It might be that as the kids are getting older, you’re busy building your own life back with work, hobbies and friends. The narcissist will resent you for gaining independence and not giving them enough supply, so they’ll go looking elsewhere for it.
Another example is where you begin to call the narcissist out on their behaviour and grow in your own strength, not putting up with their bs any more.
If their manipulations fail to work on you and they aren’t getting the supply that they expect, that’s one of the clear signs a narcissist is done with you.
If the narcissist has suddenly gone awol and not even bothering to return messages, phone calls or come home (if you live together), they may be finished with you.
Odds are, they’ve already replaced you with new supply, so expending any energy on you is a complete waste of time to them.
You’ll never get any closure with a narcissist for a few reasons:
- They want to keep the door ajar for future entry
- They refuse to take accountability for their actions
When a narcissist is finished with you, they will not even have the energy or inclination to talk, manipulate or resent you. You’re as good as dead to them, so they’ll just flat out ignore you as though you don’t even exist.
If you try to talk to them, you’ll be hit with complete indifference. They might be there in body, but they’re not there mentally any more.
By this point the narcissist is just biding their time until the next source of supply is secure enough so that they can leave you. And since you’re a mere peasant, sitting so far beneath the narcissist, they will no longer grace you with their royal time or attention.
This also grants them narcissistic supply because they’ll know that your nervous system is on tenterhooks as they withhold from you. It’s another way to control you and make them feel powerful. This is how they instilled the trauma bond in the first place.
Then when they do leave you, they’ll still be able to gain supply from you remotely. As you ruminate and obsess over what the narcissist has done and by not having any closure, you’ll still be feeding them energy on a psychic level.
Love Bombing & Hoovering Becomes Obsolete
The narcissist’s abuse cycle goes like this:
- Love bombing – making you feel amazing and pretend to be super caring, loving and attentive
- Devaluation – belittling, punishment, criticisms and chipping away at your self-worth, independence and confidence
- Discard – ignore you and cut you out like a piece of trash
- Hoover – more idealisation and false flattery to make you fall for them again
One of the more obvious signs a narcissist is done with you is when the love bombing and hoovering stages become obsolete.
If you’re stuck in the devaluation phase, it’s safe to say that the narcissist is finished with you and no longer benefits from wearing their mask around you anymore.
You’re now seeing who they truly are underneath the false charade, which is a person who’s filled with contempt, nastiness, disrespect and self-loathing.
Take this opportunity to run far, far away and never look back.
By this point, you know the narcissist as well as you can. You know their habits, when they come and go and how they like to dress.
If you notice the narcissist is suddenly getting their hair done, buying new clothes and reinventing themselves, this may be a sign that the narcissist is done with you.
When they’ve locked in supply, they can get lazy and complacent with their appearances. They’re comfortable and entitled because they’ve got you locked in and don’t think you’re going anywhere.
However, when they’re on the hunt for new prey, they’ll want to be looking their best and presenting their best False Self to potential new supply.
Another telltale sign is when you notice them coming and going at different times, being out longer than usual and just general differences in behaviour.
If the narc has replaced you with a new supply, it’s one of the clear signs a narcissist is done with you.
Once a narcissist finds someone who they think is much more beneficial to them, they won’t hesitate to drop you like a hot potato. The new person will have at least one thing going for them that the narc plans on using them for. For them it always comes down to attention and resources, whether that be directly or by association (example – wealth, attractiveness, success, influence etc.).
This can be devastating if you didn’t see it coming, especially if it was just weeks ago that they were declaring their undying love to you. I’ve heard of stories where narcissists propose to or marry their partner, then leave them a month later for someone else!
It’s extremely triggering to see the narcissist move on with someone else so quickly, while you’re left breaking into a million pieces. I know this firsthand after my narc ex moved on just two months after our twenty year marriage.
But, it’s imperative to block the narc (eliminating the triggers) and get stuck into your healing work. While it may seem that the new supply is getting a better version of the narcissist, I can tell you wholeheartedly that they are not. The only ‘improved’ aspect they’ll experience is that the narc has learnt how to manipulate ever harder.
Accuses You of Cheating
Narcissists are masterful blame-shifters. Have you ever started out having a regular conversation with a narcissist, then before you know it you’re caught up in an argument and they’re blaming you for the very things that they’re actually doing?
The twisted thing about blaming you for everything is that the narcissist often actually believes it. Their False Self simply cannot accept any fault or responsibility for anything, therefore their ego lines you up and dumps all of their unfelt stuff onto you.
Now you are the cause of the problems and you must be punished for it. Yep, it’s disturbing!
Often, narcissists will actually dob themselves in by accusing you of what they’re doing (or are about to do). They cannot process the guilt or any other hard feelings that might go with their behaviour, so they project them onto you instead.
So, if a narcissist accuses you of cheating, it might be time to look a bit further at their behaviour and what isn’t being said.
There’s also a big possibility that they’re setting you up to take the fall by creating a public storyline of you cheating on them. Then they will be able to walk away as the poor victim and destroy you in the process.
Engages in Affairs
Sometimes narcissists will have one or many affairs throughout your relationship with them. Unfortunately, they play such a good role, that you might not find out until years later, which is utterly devastating.
Affairs are a big sign a narcissist is done with you, however it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll leave you. They like to have their cake and eat it too.
So, while they’re bouncing around from one source of supply to the next, you’re at home taking care of the kids and the house (or whatever your role to them is). The benefit to the narcissist is that their image gets to remain in tact as the ‘family man or woman,’ while they’re off getting a feed elsewhere.
If you eventually find out about the affair and confront them about it, they might outright deny it and make you out to be the crazy one. Or, they might literally just grab their keys and leave, never to be seen again (they don’t want to stick around for accountability).
When a narcissist is finished with you, they will want to control your memories in order to control what you tell other people about them or the relationship.
This is proof that the narcissist knows their behaviour is abusive, since they’re working so hard to hide that information from other people. After all, keeping their public image in tact is way more important to them than how they’ve treated you.
They will work to control the storyline through gaslighting.
After I’d left my narcissistic ex, he would back me into conversational corners when he came to collect the kids.
He’d say things like, “hey, I never made you do [insert abusive behaviour] did I?”
It was a complete trick question with no right answer.
Either I could agree with him and say, “no, you never did that,” knowing it was a lie and and okaying his behaviour. Then if I ever brought it up again in the future he could deny the whole thing, saying that I’d admitted he’d never said/ done that. Further making me out to be the crazy one.
Or, if I said, “actually, yeah you did!” then I knew he’d rage at me and get me caught up in a word salad until he’d worn me down so much, I’d end up admitting defeat.
Either way, it’s a lose-lose situation.
The best thing to do is avoid all conversation with the narcissist. Learn how to ‘grey rock,’ which is where you be as dull and boring as a grey rock so that they lose interest. Only reply to them with simple one word answers and do not engage.
Remember, with a narcissist, any reaction makes them feel alive and important. All reactions (good or bad) feed them your life force energy. So, the best way to stop feeding them is to cut that supply, be boring and they’ll have no choice but to move onto a new victim.
Destroys You Publicly
One of the final signs a narcissist is done with you is when they completely destroy your name and reputation on a public scale.
Narcissists are control freaks and that extends out to controlling what other people think and say about them.
They could not care less about truth, it’s all about image and perception. As long as they appear to be the innocent, amazing one, that’s all they need to feed their insatiable desire for admiration and attention.
In the narcissist’s competitive world, for there to be a winner, there must always be a loser. In other words, for them to come off as either the hero or the victim, you need to be the perpetrator.
“You made me do it. It’s all YOUR fault!”
The thing is, you were never the perp, it was always them. But that is a truth in which their False Self can never accept. In their delusional reality, they are never wrong and everything that happened was all your fault.
- If they cheated, it’s because you didn’t give them enough attention
- If they hit you, it’s because you made them do it
- If they bled you dry financially, leaving you and the kids with nothing, it’s because they earned more of the money and are completely entitled to it
However, for their version of events to be ‘real’ in their false reality, they need confirmation from the outside world to actually make it so. What they need to hear from other people is that, “yes it’s all real and yes you’re right.”
So, the narcissist will embark on a smear campaign, painting you in a way that confirms their agenda and justifies their behaviour.
Narcissist smear campaigns can be one of the most soul-crushing experiences to have to go through. They’ll turn your own friends and family against you and enlist flying monkeys to enact their dirty work.
This is when it’s extremely important to keep your support circle small, block the narcissist and anyone who sides with them and focus on your healing.
Heal From the Narcissist
If you’re onto the narcissist and you’re seeing the signs that they’re done with you, this is a blessing in disguise. Although the discard and rejection will hurt like hell, you now have the opportunity to free yourself from their abusive grasp.
Take the time to heal yourself so that never again will you hand your power over to someone else in the hopes of finding the love, approval and security which can only ever come from within.
|REMOTE HEALING SESSIONS|
|Without effective healing, you risk being bound to the narcissist forever… but you are destined for so much more than that!|
If you’ve tried everything to heal from narcissistic abuse, but just cannot seem to shift things, it’s probably time to call in the big guys.
You can certainly go down the therapy pathway, which is definitely helpful, but it can also be tediously slow. Or, you can choose to enlist the work of the spiritual realm with an accomplished medium, such as Selena Hill.
Without the help of Selena, I’d still be stuck with C-PTSD and deep trauma ruling my life.
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– Victoria (Unmasking the Narc)
Spiritual mentorship facilitates the connection between you and the divine, whatever that looks like for you. As a result, true healing can take place on an energetic level (both in the conscious and unconscious realms).
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