If you find yourself dealing with a narcissistic person and are researching the topic to find out more, you will no doubt come across the phrase โNarcissistic Supply.โ
So, what is narcissistic supply?
Narcissistic supply is the energy that a narcissist garners from the world around them (other people) to feed their empty energetic tank. They do not have access to the divine life force that emotionally healthy people have, so they need to extract it from others. This comes in the form of admiration, attention and arguments, as well as โappearingโ successful, wealthy, well-connected and being seen to have the perfect life.
Narcissistic supply is the reaction and emotion that is directed towards the narcissist, which they will then use to feed their False Self or ego.
Interestingly, there are two categories of narcissistic supply, โprimaryโ and โsecondary.โ
In short, primary narcissistic supply comes via attention, while secondary narcissistic supply is extracted through appearances.
Letโs delve deeper into narcissistic primary and secondary supply to further explain how the narc functions.
This post contains affiliate links, for more information, see our disclosures here.
Narcissistic Supply Definitions
Here are some of the different terms that have been used throughout this article. Understanding them will help you get the most out of the information.
Source of Narcissistic Supply | The person that provides the narcissist with energetic supply. (Often seen as the narcโs victim) |
Trigger | Person or object that causes the source to give the narcissist an energetic supply. (Usually caused by something the narc has said/ done to intentionally set the victim off) |
Narcissistic Supply | Reaction or emotion caused by the trigger, which feeds the narcissist with energetic supply. |
Primary Narcissistic Supply | Where the narcissist receives supply through attention. |
Secondary Narcissistic Supply | Where the narcissist receives supply through appearances. |
More narcissist phrases & meanings.
What is Narcissistic Supply?
Narcissistic supply is essentially currency in the form of energy, which is the divine life force that runs through all of us.
Emotionally healthy people have direct access to this divine life force from within. Narcissists, however, do not have access to that internal source of energy, meaning that they are always starving for it and seeking it from their outside world.
For narcissists to quell their internal feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, they must steal the life force from others. Disturbingly, the energy that they suck from others only temporarily abates that feeling inside. Itโs like self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, shopping or food. Before they know it, that emptiness inside is back, as it can never be truly eradicated.
Narcissists are like a black hole, which can never be filled. They represent an empty, emotional void.
You are sorely mistaken if you think you can โfixโ the narcissist or make them better. Nobody can fix someone who doesnโt have the resources to help themselves. The energy you expend on a narcissist is a complete waste as you will only walk away drained and they will only feel reprieve for a short while.
The lack of emotional energetic life force within themselves generally stems from a traumatic childhood, event or circumstance, where they disconnected from their true essence.
THE STORY OF THE NARCISSIST KILLING OFF THEIR TRUE SELF
The narcissist subconsciously killed off their True Self at a very young age, to the point of no resuscitation. They were then only left with a False Self (ego).
As itโs our True Self which provides us with the unlimited abundance of divine life force and energy, the narcissist cut off their own energetic supply.
Now they are left with an empty void that can only be temporarily filled by stealing the life force from others. Hence why they are like drug addicts that spend their lives searching for their next โfixโ (supply).
When the narcissist killed off their True Self, they also cut off their HUMANNESS, which entails compassion, empathy, kindness and authenticity.
That person unconsciously โdecidedโ very early on that if no one was going to give them what they needed, they would simply go out and take it for themselves.
Narcissists are energetic vampires who have learnt that the only way to get what they seek and desire is to take it from others. They do not know any other way and they lack the empathy required to feel remorse or guilt in how their actions affect those around them.
They simply do not care. They see life as a dog-eat-dog world and their only concern is themselves.
How Do Narcissists Gain Narcissistic Supply?
There are hundreds of ways a narcissist can gain supply, but they all come back to one thing โ attention.
The narcissist portrays a False Self, which is what we refer to as their mask. This mask is merely a cover, a fake identity that they show the world in order to receive narcissistic supply. The mask shows how they want to be seen, but it does not portray their real selves.
Itโs all essentially one big cover-up.
And let me tell you, they are bloody good at holding that mask in place when they need to. After all, theyโve been practising their whole lives.
However, keeping up with the mask is extremely exhausting for the narcissist, therefore itโs never too long before it falls.
When the mask slips, it can be hard for our minds to accept that the person they unwittingly reveal is who they truly are, not the false persona they have been deceiving us with. This is where cognitive dissonance comes into play and why narcissists can get away with as much as they do.
Cognitive Dissonance
[noun]
Describes the mental conflict that happens when the mind has two opposing thoughts or beliefs about something at the same time. Within a narcissistic relationship you may be dealing with a loving partner one day, then a cruel and rageful person the next.
This abuse pattern, which is employed by the narcissist, keeps you in a state of confusion and self-doubt, losing the ability to trust your own judgement.
Read on to delve into narcissist primary and secondary supply.
PRIMARY Narcissistic Supply
Primary narcissistic supply is all about ATTENTION. It doesnโt matter to the narcissist if the attention they gain is positive or negative when it comes to primary narcissistic supply.
Any attention = narcissistic supply
Attention can come in the form of validation, flattery, chaos, gossip, drama, arguments and so on.
Primary narcissistic supply usually comes from those who are the closest to the narcissist (partners, kids, best friends etc.)
Here are some examples of primary narcissistic supply in the form of attention.
Admiration & Compliments
One of the most insincere experiences you can have with a narcissist is when they coerce you into praising them. Even if youโre not aware of the dynamics behind narcissism at the time, you will most definitely feel the icky discomfort of a forced compliment.
They are basically backing you into a corner so that you can stroke their ego for them. They need to be admired. They couldnโt care less if itโs false, after all, their whole existence is built on a false self.
Youโll notice at the beginning of a narcissistic relationship, during the love bombing phase, that the narcissist will use flattery on their victim a lot. Itโs not that they are offering genuine, heartfelt compliments (although they can be easily confused as that at the time), but simply because they expect flattery back.
As the relationship progresses, if you donโt give them a supply of flattery, theyโll punish you and manipulate you until you give it to them.
You see, a narcissist needs flattery to survive. Their self-worth is so shot that without others constantly buoying them up, they will crumble.
READ: 17 Styles of Narcissistic Texting โ |
Arguments & Creating Drama
If thereโs one thing that a narcissist cannot stand, itโs a calm, peaceful world. Sounds crazy, right?
You see when things are tranquil and there is no distraction from their inner selves, the narcissist will inevitably slip back to a place of self-loathing and despair. The spotlight will shift onto their inner wounds and trauma, which they must continuously disown to psychologically survive in this world. This will cause an explosion from within, as the thought of having to look at and feel all of that is too unbearable!
Enter the chaos and drama, which can quite literally come from nowhere.
To move the focus away from their disordered inner self, they will create drama and chaos to extract energetic supply from those around them in the form of reaction.
They can poke you and prod you (which will trigger you) to extract a reaction out of you. My ex quite literally used to poke me continuously until I snapped, then heโd make out that I was crazy. Heโd ever get the kids in on the โjoke,โ which was incredibly abusive and hurtful.
Narcissists often make devaluing comments or theyโll blame you for something out of the blue. Maybe you sighed or looked at them funny (in their mind), which will give them the ammunition they need to start an argument. They could quite literally be walking along and stub their toe, or someone cuts them off in traffic, which theyโll perceive as a personal slight.
Before you know it, youโre being gaslit and find yourself caught up in their word salad. Youโre trying to defend yourself against their false accusations or you just shut down from being attacked or through sheer exhaustion.
READ: 100+ Gaslighting Phrases โ |
The whole purpose behind the creation of drama is for the narcissist to feel important and powerful, just by being able to get a rise out of you and push your buttons. They need to feel in control of the world around them since they have no control over their inner world, which theyโre constantly running away from.
Now anything that you say, think or feel as a result of the narcissistโs abuse will automatically provide them with narcissistic supply.
If you agree with them, it validates and feeds their ego, which equates to supply for them.
If you disagree with them, they will notch up the arguing and manipulation, which will continue to trigger you. You being triggered and fighting back sends them an energetic supply and they actually really get off on the whole experience.
You may even end up folding and letting them win, just to put an end to the whole damn thing. Either way, youโre providing them with primary narcissistic supply.
READ: How Your Tears Feed the Narc Supply โ |
Playing the Victim
Covert narcissists in particular love to play the victim card. They are the ones that always seem to have some physical ailment going on or there is always a never-ending stream of incidents, which always leave them as the poor hapless victim.
When a narcissist plays the victim card, it ensures them copious amounts of attention from others who are compassionate and willing to hand that out freely.
This is one of the narcissistโs favourite strategies for sucking in empathetic people, who have trouble holding healthy boundaries. Narcissists will use guilt and shame to keep people-pleasers and those who are natural givers, hooked into handing over attention and energy to them.
Even on a public scale, narcissists can gain supply from the pity and kind words other people send their way.
In addition to attention, playing the victim is how many narcissists manage to evade accountability for their behaviours. Whenever someone pulls them up on something, theyโll instantly flip the storyline, whereby they are now the poor victim. How dare you accuse them of any wrongdoing when they are so hard done by!
READ: Why Narcissists Refuse Accountability โ |
Fame & Infamy
Attracting attention for being famous or infamous is a sure-fire way for a narcissist to gain supply. Of course, fame can come in many forms.
Becoming famous will yield much supply if the narcissist is talented enough or lucky enough to be able to create that for themselves.
It doesnโt even matter if what the narcissist is โfamousโ for is real or completely made up โ as long as others believe them. Because itโs not the act that gives them supply, but the energy (in the form of adoration, envy or validation) that flows to them from others as a result of the fame.
Examples of fame for a narcissist:
- Having a huge following on social media
- Being successful and climbing the ranks at work
- Having a business thatโs well-known (even if just locally)
- Being the leader of a group or organisation
- Appearing in the media for some kind of success or achievement
- Being well-known in social circles
- Having an important reputation
- Receiving awards or acclaim
- Being a well-known actor, artist, musician, politician, online creator etc.
Interestingly, even being infamous or notorious for something is just as valuable to them, because any attention, is good attention. In this instance, they can create a rebellious โbad boyโ or โbad girlโ identity, which inflates their ego, since they despise authority.
Being in Control
A narcissist loves to feel powerful and they are extremely controlling. They particularly love to be in control of other people in their lives (partners, children, parents, neighbours, co-workers and friends).
When a narcissist can control someone else, it feeds their ego and validates them as being so important that they can have that kind of domination over them.
Being controlling in a relationship is an easy way for the narcissist to ensure that theyโll have supply on tap whenever they need it. With a submissive partner, the narcissist knows that they can easily manipulate that person for their own selfish gain.
As we discussed above, when things are going nice and smoothly, the narcissist will more than likely lash out for no apparent reason. They need to create drama to feel in control and extract supply.
Ultimately, the narcissist feels completely out of control within themselves, therefore they feel a great need to control the world around them.
Sex
Yep, a narcissist will often use sex as a form of supply for themselves. For this to transpire, there are many manipulations at play.
They may be so amazing in bed that it makes you feel even more bonded to this person, wiping away any abuse that has just happened. As you connect with them intimately, your pleasure will flatter the narcissist and stroke their ego.
They may pull you in one day, and then push you away the next, leaving you feeling insecure and confused. Then when they pull you in again, youโre so relieved and happy to be back in their arms, that your adoration towards them creates narcissistic supply.
The narcissist may want to hear you tell them how talented and attentive they are in bed. They will coerce you into saying that theyโre the best lover youโve ever had.
Once youโve been hooked into their web, they can withhold sex and affection from you as punishment. They may cheat on you or talk about exes to make you feel insecure. All of these tactics cause triggers within you, which will result in you giving supply to the narc.
Thereโs one thing you can be certain of though, thereโs no such thing as โmaking loveโ with a narcissist. Although they may have you believe that theyโre your soul mate as youโre coming together as one, itโs really just another way for them to extract energy.
Narcissists do not have the capacity to truly love.
SECONDARY Narcissistic Supply
Secondary narcissistic supply comes from the image that the narcissist projects out into the world. This form of supply is all about APPEARANCES.
Positive appearances = narcissistic supply
With secondary narcissistic supply, the narc will only gain supply from positive appearances. They need to create the illusion of being successful, attractive, wealthy, talented and sought-after.
Think cringy, ego-filled social media posts.
On the flip side, being seen as UNsuccessful, UNattractive, NOT wealthy etc. will not serve the narcissistโs ego and therefore will not feed their emotional black hole.
Secondary narcissistic supply usually comes from those who are not as close to the narcissist (acquaintances, co-workers and extended family members).
Below are some examples of secondary narcissistic supply.
Having the โPerfectโ Partner or Family
Throughout history, there has always been a stereotype in our society that if youโre partnered up in a relationship, youโre automatically deemed successful.
Being single has historically been looked down upon, as though you must be a failure if you havenโt found the right person. Thankfully, this stigma has been shifting in recent years as people realise that itโs more damaging to stay in unhealthy or unhappy relationships.
However, the narcissist can be a bit of a Neanderthal when it comes to relationship roles and what they expect and view as normal and successful.
To gain the secondary narcissistic supply that they seek, appearing to have the perfect family or perfect partner can be extremely important to them. Even though thereโs nothing โnormalโ or โperfectโ about any narcissistic relationship or family dynamic, that matters not to them.
My ex used to regularly say to meโฆ
Everyone always says how perfect our relationship is.
That comment used to throw me off because I knew it wasnโt perfect, but people only saw what they saw or heard what they heard. By having the outside world confirm to him that his life was โperfect,โ those people were unwittingly becoming a source of secondary narcissistic supply.
When it comes to children, narcissistic parents expect their kids to be on their best behaviour at all times, especially out in public. My mum just had to look at us and we were snapped back into line!
To keep up the appearance of the โperfect family,โ the narcissist needs everyone to always be looking good, that way they can feed off the positive comments of, โYour kids are always so well behaved,โ or โYou guys have the perfect marriage.โ
However, itโs surprisingly common for narcissists to cheat on their partners, because that feeds them additional supply on the side.
READ: Narcissists & Affairs โ |
Appearing Successful
A super important element of secondary narcissistic supply is for the narc to appear successful. They are extremely focused on their outward world and therefore, how others see them is of the utmost importance.
By other people viewing the narcissist as successful, they will naturally derive compliments and validation on how well theyโre doing, which equates to narcissistic supply.
Examples of what a narcissist views as successful:
- Having a secure or important job
- Having a family
- Having a partner (they cannot stand the thought of being alone)
- Appearing to be financially well-off
- Wearing expensive clothing
- Staying up-to-date with current trends (you knowโฆ because they have to be the โcool kidโ)
- Driving a fancy car
- Having an expensive-looking house, or overextending themselves to live in a โbetter neighbourhoodโ
- Having a portfolio of cars, boats, properties etc.
- Going on elaborate holidays
- Ticking off whatever society deems as normal (e.g. kids, house, marriage, annual holiday etc.)
Financial Security
Narcissists cannot stand the idea of being seen as financially insecure. To them, financial insecurity is a weakness, a failure in the eyes of the community.
Remember, a narcissist lives purely from their ego selves, meaning that the way they look is extremely important, above all else.
It doesnโt even matter if the narcissist does not have actual financial security, itโs all in the image thatโs projected out to the world. As long as they appear to be doing well financially and thatโs the story that others believe, thatโs all that matters.
They need to extricate secondary narcissistic supply from those around them by appearing well-off. The validation of the tribe becomes the energetic source (narcissistic supply).
Examples of appearing financially secure:
- Splashing their cash (offering to shout people drinks, which theyโll later resent)
- Obtaining items that will give the illusion of being โrichโ (e.g. cars, property, clothing, jewellery, electronics, furniture etc.)
- Sending the kids to an expensive private school
- Going on frequent holidays (that are always showcased on social media)
- Living in a โbetterโ suburb
Acquiring Material Items
Tying in with the above point, a huge form of secondary narcissistic supply is in the acquisition of material items. Obtaining status symbols will help to make the narcissist feel like they are achieving success in the eyes of their peers.
The need to acquire โthingsโ can be insatiable for narcissists. Many of them do not care if they have to compromise the financial security of the family, as long as they get that shiny new item to prove their worth.
Being in a constant stream of debt or living from paycheck to paycheck is common with narcissists. Money is merely the means to obtain more narcissistic supply, whether that be in the form of control, power or accumulating โsuccessโ wrapped up in physical items.
Video
For more information on narcissistic supply, have a look at Doctor Ramaniโs video below. Doctor Ramani is a psychologist who has many years of specialising in all things narcissism.
Donโt We All Receive Narcissistic Supply?
All humans inherently receive and enjoy many of the forms of narcissistic supply that weโve talked about here. But that does not make you a narcissist.
An emotionally healthy person can easily go for long periods without receiving or needing those positive cues (attention, validation etc.). They will continue to function happily and healthily. To be receiving such a constant stream of attention all the time would be too much for a well-adjusted person.
However, a narcissist is like a drug addict, with โattentionโ and โvalidationโ being the drugs. Their whole existence is built around consuming any pieces of supply that they can get their hands on. If they canโt find it easily, theyโll generate situations that will inevitably create supply for them, so that they can get their fix.
The narcissist needs a constant supply to be able to moderate their self-worth and function in life without falling into disrepair.
How to Stop Giving Narcissistic Supply
Itโs important to note that narcissists are masters at extracting narcissistic supply in many forms and from many sources. Sometimes you might not even realise that youโve been used for primary or secondary narcissistic supply until after the fact. Theyโre good at their game!
But once you start to see the patterns and educate yourself on their tactics and behaviours, it becomes easier to spot.
Here are a few techniques that will help you put a stop to being the source of narcissistic supply to the narc in your life.
No Contact
The first way to stop giving a narcissist supply is by completely cutting them out of your life, if possible. Go No Contact, block them online and delete them from your life. If they try to contact you or get to you, do not respond, no matter how tempting their hooks are.
Low Contact
Sometimes going No Contact just isnโt going to be possible. If youโre dealing with a family member, an ex who youโve got kids with, an acquaintance you canโt completely avoid or a co-worker, then going Low Contact is the next best option.
Low Contact means reducing all contact you have with the narcissist down to the absolute bare minimum. Keep everything strictly business. Donโt give them any details about whatโs going on in your life and donโt ask them about theirs.
Grey Rock
If you need to go Low Contact, itโs time to get familiar with Grey Rocking. This is where you will be as boring and uninteresting as you possibly can be.
Imagine a plain old grey rock. Itโs boring and itโs forgettable. You are now the Grey Rock.
The idea is that the narcissist will get bored of you and move on to someone else.
Be aware that Grey Rocking is essentially setting a new boundary in the relationship that wasnโt there before. You can often expect push-back from the narcissist because they wonโt like this new boundary.
Stand your ground and remain boring. Donโt ask questions about their life and donโt offer up any information about your own. They have lost the right to have any privileged insight into your life.
Set Boundaries
Decide within yourself what your โdeal breakersโ are with the narcissist. Which types of words and behaviours will you no longer tolerate?
Now itโs time to train the narcissist in your life with these new boundaries. As difficult as it is, every time the narcissist crosses one of your boundaries and doesnโt treat you with respect, you need to exit the communication (hang up the phone or walk out of the room).
Let them know that if they continue to treat you in that way, you will leave.
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is incredibly difficult. After all, the whole relationship was built on them triggering your wounds and stamping right over any boundaries.
Once you begin to heal yourself from the inside and release your inner wounds, setting boundaries in the outside world will become easier.
Heal Your Inner Wounding
Energetic Healing from
Narcissistic Abuse
If youโve tried everything to heal but still canโt shift things, it might be time to call in the spiritual realm.
โญ Removal of stuck energy
โญ Removal of old traumas & memories
โญ Past Life Regression
โญ Understanding your journey & how itโs shaped you
โญ Loving & non-judgemental guidance
โญ Psychic mediumship
โญ Ask your guides questions & get direct answers
10% OFF Code โUNMASKโ
www.selenahill.com โ