One of the biggest weapons of the narcissist is their words. I’m sure you’ve probably experienced many of these examples of narcissist text messages, which showcase just how over the top, fake, self-centred, demanding and unrealistic they really are.
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s easy to see how they will continue to abuse you through text messages, even when they’re not in your physical space. There really is no escape them when you’re so heavily caught up in their sticky web!
That *ding* of the phone is enough to make your insides do a backflip as you think, “I hope it’s not them. What do they want now?”
First of all, I want to address the cycle of abuse, which the narcissist circulates through. It’s important to understand how the narcissist operates, regardless of who you are to them (intimate lover, friend, family member, coworker and so on). Then it will be easier to see why they use so many different tactics throughout their text messages.
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The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
When trying to interpret the examples of narcissist text messages, it helps to first understand the cycle of narcissistic abuse, which runs like clockwork. The only variable with this cycle are the different lengths of time between each stage, which can vary from situation to situation.
The type of text messages you receive will depend largely on where you’re at in the narcissist’s cycle.
Idealisation (Love Bombing)
The first phase of the narc’s abuse cycle is the love bombing stage. This is where they turn up their charm to max capacity and make you feel like you’re their whole world. They may give extravagant gifts, wine and dine you, pay you lots of complements and make you feel loved, seen and appreciated.
It’s during the love bombing phase that the narcissist is studying you closely. They want to learn everything about you – what makes you tick, what your greatest fears and insecurities are and what your aspire to accomplish in life.
All of this data collection makes it seem as though the narcissist is a very attentive listener, someone who truly sees the real you. They use this time to gain your trust and hook you into their web of dependency on them.
Examples of narcissist text messages while love bombing:
- “You truly are my soul mate. I’ve never met anyone who I’ve had such a strong connection with.”
- “Hey babe, I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve got the biggest surprise for you – can’t wait to show you tomorrow!!!”
- “When I look into your eyes, it’s like I’m transported into another dimension. I just want to reach up and run my finger over your cheek and down your whole body. It’s me and you forever baby.”
The narcissist sees themselves as the very centre of the universe in which all things revolve around. They think of themselves as a God-like being, who is to be worshipped.
They aim to control you so that you see them as your source of all things, which they will use to manipulate you, all while sucking out your life force energy in return.
In order for them to be able to be your puppet master, they need to erode your sense of self and your independence. This happens slowly and discreetly over time with underhanded comments, put downs and snide remarks… just to make you question yourself and pull you down a few pegs.
Devaluation can come in many forms like silent treatment, rage, invalidations, gaslighting and being demanding.
The narcissist aims to make you feel confused with their push-pull behaviour and convoluted word salads.
Throughout their abusive ‘punishing’ behaviour, they sprinkle intermittent ‘rewards’ (kind words and actions). It’s through this that they manage to break you down, while also being the one who is able to provide relief from the constant state of anxiety that they put you through.
In other words, they become your source of relief from the very abuse that they are instilling. This in turn creates the trauma bond, which keeps you loyal to your abuser. The trauma bond serves to hold you in place as their permanent source of life force energy… until they’ve sucked you dry and you’ve got nothing left to give.
Examples of narcissist text messages while devaluing:
- “I did not like the way you treated me in front of my friends today. I expect better next time.”
- “You’re not really going to wear that red dress are you? I mean, do what you want, but it kinda makes your thighs look chunky. Just trying to be helpful.”
Once the narcissist feels done with you, they’ll discard you. To them, you were only ever an item to be used at their disposal and once they render you useless, they’ll flick you like a piece of trash.
Discards can happen many times over within a relationship with a narcissist. If your energy supply is so depleted that they can’t get anything out of you right now, or they have a better supply elsewhere, they’ll discard you. However, they will just as soon hoover you back in once they need you again for something (sex, money, a place to live, someone to dump their problems onto etc.).
Over time, the longer you’re with a narcissist, the more life force energy you pour into them. Eventually you’ll end up completely depleted and possibly even physically ill. By this point you have nothing left to give the narcissist, so if you don’t leave them, they will give you the final discard, which can feel brutal.
Examples of narcissist text messages after discard:
- “Just letting you know that I’m seeing someone else now. You and I were good together, but this guy just really gets me. It’s amazing!”
Or total silence… no response, they’re done with you.
|READ: 12 Signs of a Narcissist Discard →
If, at some point, the narcissist wants you back on the payroll as a source of narcissistic supply, they’ll try to hoover you back in.
Hoovering can be much like the initial love bombing phase, except they know you so much better this time around. They’ll know exactly which fear, guilt and ‘false love’ tactics to use on you, based on your deepest insecurities.
Please don’t be mistaken, a hoover is not a sign that the narcissist feels any remorse for their wrongdoings, nor do they truly care about you. This is purely about them getting access to their much needed drug – narcissistic supply.
Simply put, their ego requires them to suck the life force energy out of other whole beings in order to avoid sinking down into themselves. Deep inside they loathe themselves and cannot bear to be in that space, therefore they must self-medicate to bypass going to that place.
Examples of narcissist text messages when hoovering:
- “Hey, let’s catch up. I’ve missed you so much!”
- “I’m so sorry if I hurt you. I’m a changed person now, just give me a chance to prove it to you.”
- “I bought the kids Christmas gifts. Can I pop over to give them to them?”
So now that you’ve got a good grasp on what the abuse cycle looks like, let’s take a look at examples of narcissist text messages you’ve probably experienced along the way.
|READ: Common Hoovering Tactics →
Examples of Narcissist Text Messages
Narcissists desire absolute control over their subjects and text messages give them direct access into your world, even when they’re not with you.
Remember everything in the narc’s reality is all about them, so what they wish to achieve through texting will always be about what they get from you and how they can manipulate you.
Here are some of the reasons the narcissist is texting you. To…
- Hook You – through love bombing and hoovering
- Mess With Your Reality – gaslighting to keep you confused
- Rewrite the Storyline – to sway your memories and perspective to fit with their agenda
- Push Your Boundaries – this is a test to see how far you will allow them to go
- Bring the Attention Back to Them – if they feel you slipping away or being busy elsewhere
- Test Your Loyalty – to them and the relationship
- Get You to Do Something For Them – often using guilt and will play on your empathy
- Devalue You – to chip away at your self-worth
- Get You Caught Up in Their Word Salad – leaving you confused and feeling like you need to defend yourself or apologise for something, just to appease them
- Bombard You – to wear you down or monopolise your time
- Be Evasive or Ghost You – to leave you guessing and chasing them for more
Let’s have a further look at some examples of narcissist text messages.
|READ: 72 Things Narcs Often Say →
Love Bomb Texts
Narcissists moves fast to hook in their prey. They want to make you feel an amazing high, so that you become addicted to them quickly. They’ll offer praise and flattery, which makes you feel good.
But in return, you had better make damn sure you’re there for them whenever they expect you to be. That’s the unspoken term of the contract.
Everything is purely transactional with a narcissist.
The narcissist will be quick to slap a label on the relationship to give you a false sense of security with them. With that, you’re effectively taken off the market so that they can claim you as ‘theirs,’ plus the label helps to solidify your loyalty to them.
They don’t say nice, loving things because they actually mean them. They say those things to make you feel good, which in turn makes it easier for them to manipulate you with their demands.
If you get these types of messages too soon, it’s probably a red flag. Healthy relationships don’t move at such an intense pace and healthy people don’t profess their undying love until it’s the right time, when it actually feels genuine.
Examples of Love Bomb Texts:
- “I’m so in love with you!”
- “We’re meant for each other, you’re my soulmate.”
- “You’re the most gorgeous person I’ve ever met in my entire life!”
- “I need you, I feel like I’m dying when you’re not in my arms.”
- “It’s you and me against the world forever.”
Mixed Message Texts
One very malicious way narcissists work to destabilise their partners and friends is with their push-pull energy.
In one breath you’re spending every moment together and they’re texting you in between. Then the next minute they’ll go cold, leaving you wondering what’s happened for things to have shifted so quickly.
This is all part of the trauma bonding process, which reinforces your need for the narcissist. They are making you reliant on them without you even realising that they’re doing it.
One moment they’ll pull away, which creates a sense of anxiety and worry within you. Have you done something to offend them? Are they annoyed with you? Is everything okay?
This creates the ‘chaser’ energy in you.
Then they’ll come back in as if nothing’s happened. You’ll feel such relief that everything is ‘okay,’ that you actually receive a little hit of the ‘feel good’ chemicals in your body (oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine).
As this rollercoaster continues over time, you essentially become ‘addicted’ to the narcissist. Your body learns that they are the only ones who can provide you with the relief to the anxiety you’re often feeling. The most messed up thing is, it’s the narcissist who’s actually causing the anxiety in the first place, but due to their magical manipulations, you fail to even recognise that.
They’ve made you dependent on them to provide relief from the very abuse that they’re dishing out.
The mixed message texts work to create this hot-cold, push-pull dynamic. You live on tenterhooks because you never know what’s coming from them – fun times or turbulence?
Examples of Mixed Message Texts:
- “Hey babe, how’s everything going? Can’t wait to catch up later.”
- “Can you stop messaging me at work? I’m busy!”
- “Geez, you must put your phone down then run away. Why don’t you ever answer my messages?”
- “I’ll talk to you later, I can’t concentrate with all of your constant messaging.”
- “What, are you ignoring me now?”
One of the most telltale signs that you’re texting with a narcissist is the selfishness!
Once the love bombing phase is over and done with, they’ll have you locked into the relationship or friendship by now, which means they can stop pretending.
Narcissist’s messages will be mostly, if not always, one-sided conversations. It’s all about them, the conversation is there to feed them supply or serve them in some way and they genuinely don’t give a damn about you or your life.
If they ask about how you are (fake caring), they won’t even respond to what you say. If they respond to the message at all, they’ll immediately shift the focus back onto themselves.
If you’re making plans with the narc, it’ll be all about what they want regardless of what you’d like.
Narcissists quite often won’t directly ask you for something, they’ll just imply the outcome that they want. For example, I had a narc friend who would never actually ask me to go somewhere with her, she’d just cryptically say “we” and imply that we’d go together.
I’d be feeling a bit hazy on the details and would ask, “Oh, do you want me to go with you?” Then she’d respond with, “… if you want.” It was all very non-committal, making me do all of the chasing and asking so that she remained in the position of power. It was quite unsettling.
If you find yourself rolling your eyes at how much the other person talks about themselves in messages and never enquires about you or how you’re feeling, you know you’re texting a narcissist.
Once they’ve gotten everything they wanted from the communication, they’ll go offline, often leaving you feeling invalidated and invisible.
Example of Selfish Texting:
You: “Hey, how have you been?”
Narc: “Hey! Really good. Work’s been super busy, which is awesome. Business is really picking up and my clients keep telling me what an amazing job I’m doing. The kids are loving school. Kate has just started ballet and Tom is doing soccer of a weekend. We must catch up soon, I miss you!”
You: “Wow, sounds like things are going really well. That’s great to hear.”
Narc: “Yeah, things are going great in my world. I’ve just booked a holiday for July – my first ever cruise ship retreat. Cannot wait!”
You: “Awesome! I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”
Narc: “Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. I really need a break, I’ve been working so hard. It’ll be nice to get away with the girls and leave the kids and hubby at home for a week. Bring on the champagne, dancing and sunbathing.”
You: “Sounds great.”
Narc: [No response. Never bothered to ask how you’re doing].
You may experience examples of narcissist text messages with compliments, however they’re often sandwiched beside a devaluation for good measure.
The narcissist doesn’t want you to feel good unless they are the ones to make you feel that way. They seek to not only control your life, but more importantly, they want to control your emotions.
They need to pull you down in order to feel better about themselves, plus it means they then have the opportunity to breadcrumb you and prop you up just a little bit. That way you continue to feel confused, destabilised and looking to them as your source of validation.
It’s another tactic to make you emotionally reliant on them, rather than being confident within yourself and knowing that you are your own source of love and validation.
Examples of Devaluing Texts:
- “You’re doing so well at the gym. Pity about the chocolate you keep demolishing at night.”
- “You are such a good wife to me. Almost as helpful as my mum.”
- “You’re so good at your job, but when are you going to start making some real money?”
- “I love your cooking, I just wish you weren’t making me so fat.”
- “How did you go with your interview today? I hope they didn’t notice your bad breath.”
Narcissistic manipulations generally land in one of two realms – guilt trips or inducing fear.
The aim of the guilt text messages are quite simply to play on your empathy, kindness and compassion. Interestingly these are three things that the narcissist lacks, yet they know exactly how to use them against you so that you’ll openly hand over your life force energy to them.
The narcissist wants you to feel bad or feel sorry for them, so that you will give in to what they’re asking for (usually attention of some sort). They know that you are a soul with a conscience who cannot bear to hurt or let someone else down. They, however, have no conscience and would not hesitate to kick you while you’re down.
Examples of Guilt Texts:
- “I feel like shit. If you cared at all you’d at least respond to my message.”
- “Can you give me a call when you can? I’ve got some not so good news.”
- “When was someone going to tell me that they broke my favourite chair, which I now have to fix???”
- “I’ve been involved in a car accident. Thought you should know.”
- “I was so looking forward to having an early night with you all for once, but now I have to stay back at work…” *sigh*
- “Can I ask a favour? I’m so sorry to ask, it’s just that I have no one else to turn to.”
- “I know we’re not together any more, but I’ve just received some bad news…”
Here’s an example of a guilt-trip text that I got from my covert narcissist ex, just after leaving him. We’d been together for twenty years, so as you can imagine, he was not about to make it easy for me to leave.
“I’m going through the hardest moment in my life right now. I just really need support, which is the least you could do for me! I have no one else.”
He was actually trying to guilt me into supporting him through the break-up!
What he actually meant was…
“I’m the victim. You caused all of this. I will not take any responsibility for the abuse or marriage break-down. Now you need to hand over more of your life force energy and support me even beyond the relationship because I am entitled to you forever.”
Narcissists can totally bombard you with a barrage of text messages. You may receive multiple messages with them arriving in quick succession, or they may send one or two every few minutes or so until you respond.
What they’re looking for here is your complete and undivided attention. They want to totally monopolise your time so that you cannot focus on anything else but them.
They want your attention and they want it now!
The narcissist is being extremely needy and obviously craving narcissistic supply, which they are energetically demanding from you in this very moment. Whether you’re available or not, they don’t care because it’s all about them.
To a narcissist, supply is their drug. If they drop low or have that instant desire for it, they will do whatever they can to satiate their hunger.
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, nothing in your world will ever be deemed as important to them. They must always come first, no matter what.
My narcissistic husband was notorious for bombarding me with texts and calls when he wanted supply on demand. If I didn’t pick up the phone straight away, he’d go on to leave me a string of voicemails that were completely abusive and attention-seeking.
He didn’t care that I had my hands full with the kids or had been in the toilet. As far as he was concerned, the purpose of me having a phone was to be on-call to him 24-7.
My heart used to drop when I’d pick up my phone and see 7 messages and 15 missed calls from him.
Example of Narcissist Message Overload:
Narc: “Let’s do pizza for dinner tonight.”
Narc: “Or maybe Chinese…”
Narc: “I’ll pick it up on the way home.”
Narc: “What’s the point in even having a phone if you’re not going to answer it?”
Narc: “F*** you then. I’ll just get my own.”
You: “Sorry, I’ve been busy at work. Yeah, that sounds good.”
[Then they arrive home later with dinner just for themselves to punish you for not responding to them quickly enough].
Gaslighting is an emotional manipulation tool used to chip away at the other person’s sense of self, by messing with their reality and wearing them down.
Narcissists will use gaslighting to oppose your reality, make you out to be crazy and rescript the storyline.
Common Gaslighting Techniques:
- Countering – oppose the details of your memory
- Denying – say that you just make things up
- Withholding – withhold love, affection & conversation as punishment
- Invalidating – disregarding your feelings and concerns as irrelevant
- Diverting – flipping the script onto someone else to avoid accountability
- Generalising – using blanket statements to invalidate
|READ: 100+ Gaslighting Examples →
Gaslighting Examples of Narcissist Text Messages:
- “You know I didn’t say that. You just make this stuff up as you go along.”
- “You never told me that. This is the first time I’m hearing about it.”
- “I don’t have time for this. If you don’t like it, you can leave.”
- “What’s your problem? God, you’re so sensitive!”
- “This whole argument could have been avoided if you’d just done as you were told.”
One of the many manipulation tactics that narcissists like to employ is disrupting your sleep patterns. The reason is simple, when people are tired, they’re quicker to admit defeat and easier to manipulate.
You can expect to receive late night texts from the narcissist and they will expect you to be available to them just as much as you would be in the middle of the day.
It could be a seductive-type message, just to be sure that you’re thinking of them as you drift off to sleep, that way they get to consume your headspace.
It may be an innocent enough question or even just some random musings.
Either way, if you reply to their late messages, you’ve just given them permission to cross another boundary and they will continue to send them. Then, if you get sick of having them messaging so late and stop replying to them, they’ll flip out at being ignored.
This is another test of your loyalty and a way for them to infiltrate every corner of your life.
Examples of Narcissist Text Messages in the middle of the night:
- “Are you still awake?”
- “I can’t get to sleep, laying here thinking of you…”
- “Omg, I just had the most random thought, I just had to tell you! Arghh sorry, just realised the time. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Weird Emoji Texts
I’m the first to admit, I like a good emoji thrown into a message here and there. When it’s relevant that is.
Narcissists however are notorious emoji over-users. You see, scattering a whole string of random emojis at the end of a text makes their message all the more confusing. You’re often left thinking, “What the hell does that mean?”
Example of Weird Emoji Text:
Narc: “Hey babe, sorry about this morning 😘. Do you want to come over tonight? 🙃🍕🏊♂️🧩🍆”
Narc: “Or maybe I could come to yours? 🥰👣🔥🙌”
Narc: “Helloooo, is anybody out there? 😤😫🤨😆😒😢”
By the time you get this line of messages, you’re probably thinking, “What the..?”
They’ve totally just glossed over that morning’s argument, then invited you over for… pizza, puzzles and other activities? By the end, because you didn’t reply quick enough they’ve left you with a group of emojis representing anger, frustration, curiosity, laughter, indifference and sadness. None of it makes any sense!
You’re left in a state of anxiety not knowing whether they’re angry with you, laughing at you or feeling sad. The whole point is to be intentionally evasive so that they can more easily manipulate you with whichever angle they choose.
Maybe they’ll guilt-trip you, maybe they’ll blame you or maybe they’ll just pretend like nothing even happened. It could go any way, making you think, “Why does it always have to be so difficult and tumultuous?”
Stonewalling is where the narcissist will say their piece, then turn their back on you, walk out of the room or hang up the phone. The purpose is to not give you a chance to rebut or be able to share your perspective.
Stonewalling is a form of silent treatment, which will usually come during or after you’ve had an argument with the narcissist.
The refusal to communicate with someone. A common tactic used by a narcissist to actively block the connection by being evasive, refusing to answer any questions and not cooperating with any attempts at contact.
It’s an emotionally immature way to handle an altercation or difference of opinions, much like a moody teenager screaming the house down, slamming the door in your face and refusing to talk.
Ultimately, they don’t want to hear your side of the story, they don’t care about your emotions and they absolutely refuse to look at their own behaviour in the situation. So, they’ll just pretend like you don’t exist instead.
Narcissists can use a lack of text messages to stonewall because it’s the perfect way for them to say what they want, then completely walk away from anything you have to say.
They’ll send you a message stating how it’s all your fault, you’re in the wrong and placing all of the blame onto you. Then they’ll neglect you.
Anything you say in return to either defend yourself or share your side of the story will be completely ignored or blocked.
Stonewalling is an abuse tactic that the narcissist uses to punish you for behaviour that they don’t like. It’s purely manipulative in nature and serves to suppress your emotions.
What they really want here is to punish you for whatever perceived slight you’ve made against them. Then, after all is said and done, they’ll want you to come grovelling back to them with apologies (even though you were probably never in the wrong).
Example of a Stonewalling Text:
You: “Hey, can we talk about what happened earlier? I’m feeling pretty hurt.”
Narc: [Radio silence]
|READ: Why Does a Narc Ignore You? →
If the narcissist is dishing out the silent treatment because they want to punish you or are simply using it to avoid accountability, then in come the text fights.
They won’t have the decency to talk to you in person, yet they’ll happily send you abusive, invalidating and gaslighting texts while being in the room next door.
Examples of narcissist text messages while fighting:
- “You always have to make everything about you, don’t you?”
- “All I do is give to everybody else and what do I get in return? Nothing but crap. Well you can all f*** off! For once I’m just going to worry about myself.”
- “I didn’t appreciate the way you spoke to me in front of everyone last night. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about it.”
- “I work my ass off for this family. Don’t you dare question how I spend the money that I earn.”
- “If you didn’t make me so angry I wouldn’t have to speak to you like that. It takes two you know. You make out that I’m the asshole in this relationship.”
Narcissist ghosting can happen quite often in relationships and friendships.
They might ask you a question, you reply to them, then they totally ghost you. Or, maybe you text them and they never respond.
Ghosting leaves you wondering where the narcissist is and what they’re doing. The mind can wander and come up with all sorts of scenarios, which is what the narc wants – for you to be pining after them and worrying about them.
They want to be chased.
They want you to reach out to them and ask if everything is okay, even if they don’t intend on responding. They gain narcissistic supply from the attention you’re sending their way as they play victim or be completely evasive.
Examples of Texts Responding to Ghosting:
You: “Hey [insert narcissist’s name]. Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while.”
You: “Just checking in to see how you’re doing. You never responded to my last few messages.”
Narc: “Yeah, I’ll be okay,” or “Everything’s fine, just been busy.”
Feigned Care Texts
After a narcissist has ghosted you, they’ll just pop back into your world as if they’ve never even left. If you accept them back in without hesitation, they’ll know you’re still loyal to them.
They’ll generally come in by pretending to care, even though they’ve just totally gone silent on you for days, weeks or maybe even months.
It’s important here to be aware of how their words do not match up with their actions.
Examples of Fake Caring Texts:
- “I miss your face.”
- “How’s everything going lovely?”
- “Hope you’re well, haven’t heard from you in a bit.”
- “Is everything okay? I’m always here if you need anything.”
Even though the narcissist was the one who ghosted you, they’ll pretend like it’s you who hasn’t reached out to them. This is a blame-shifting technique where they actively avoid accountability for their actions. It also creates confusion, leading you to justify their behaviour. You’ll think, “Oh, they’ve just been busy.”
However, if you pay attention, your intuition will be telling you that there is something not right here and that the ghosting feels intentional. Always listen to your gut feeling!
Word Salad Texts
Word salad is a manipulation tactic used by the narcissist to confuse you, make you feel like you need to defend yourself for things you’ve never even done and mess with your reality (version of events).
Narcissists will usually construct big long word salad messages when they sense that they’re losing control and need to pull you back in. The message with be scattered with non-apologies, false promises, long-winded explanations and passive aggressive invalidations.
Basically, they want to confuse and overwhelm you with their overload of words all under the guise of being ‘caring and thoughtful.’
Without saying as much, they’ll make you feel like you’re the painful one, while they’re the calm, level-headed one who’s putting in all of the effort.
It’s totally inverted and can often come on the back of them raging at you or gaslighting you in person, then immediately flipping the script to being a ‘reasonable person.’ They’ll especially love to do this in text messages so they can say, “See, I’m being fair. They’re the ones being difficult.”
Example of a Word Salad Text:
“Hey babe. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I want to apologise if I’ve hurt you in any way. I truly don’t mean to do that, it’s like something just takes over me in those moments. Plus, I keep forgetting how hypersensitive you are. I know that I sometimes say things that can trigger you and obviously it takes two to tango. So, you being triggered then sparks something off in me, which causes me to have an outburst. But I’m devoted to you and to making this work, whatever we both need to do to fix things. I know you’ve got a problem with people getting angry, so I’m really going to work hard on not letting you make me angry. All I ask is that you do your bit at your end. Are you ready to work on this together and have that relationship that all our friends say is ‘perfect?'”
Narcissists lack any capacity to see things from the perspective of others and they have zero empathy. With that comes an air of superiority and common characteristics of being very demanding.
Narcs only really use niceties when they want something or they want to be seen in a positive light (despite their true negative aspect).
It’s quite normal to receive demanding texts from narcissists, where they expect you to drop everything and do as they ask without question. They don’t care if you’re busy and unable to do it, in fact that just adds fuel to their fire.
They know that you want to keep the peace and will do as they say to make it so. They know they call the shots in the relationship and they like to assert their power over you whenever they can.
If you’re unable to provide them with the favour or attention that they are demanding in that moment, you will be duly punished for it later on.
Examples of demanding texts:
- “Make sure the bathroom is clean by the time I get home.”
- “Call me now.”
- “You need to drop my lunch off at work.”
- “Get me a water with ice.”
- “Get bread and milk on the way home.”
- “Take the dog for a walk.”
Presuming to Know You Better Than You Know Yourself Texts
Narcissists like to presume that they know you inside and out. The thing is, they only got to know you on a level deep enough for manipulation. They never bothered to get to know the real you and actually, they never will get to know the real you.
By using this method of presumption, they are able to try and gaslight your reality by changing your storyline to match up with their preferred agenda.
An example was when I had an accident on a wet road years ago. My narcissistic husband presumed to tell me what speed limit I was doing, even though he wasn’t even there. I swore black and blue that I was doing much less than what he presumed, but he refused to allow my version of events.
Narcissists also like to proceed to tell you how you’re thinking or feeling as though it’s fact. They will railroad any attempts by you to express things any differently.
Examples of a Presumption Text:
Narc: “I know you’re ignoring me because you’re with someone else right now!”
You: “I was taking the dog for a walk…”
Narc: “Yeah right. So why didn’t you answer your phone then?”
You: “I accidentally left it in my bag after work.”
Narc: “Whatever. Why do continue lying to me?”
If the narcissist discarded you they will still want to hoover you back into their cycle of abuse as long as there’s still supply to be had.
They will especially want to hoover you back in if you walked away (discarded) them. In their mind, they are the ones who wield the power of discard, not you. So, they will literally want to hoover you back in, just to discard you on their own terms.
They will overstep your boundaries and push on through, believing that they are entitled to you.
Here are some of the ways a narcissist may hoover you through texts:
- Reach out randomly (they’ll use birthdays and holidays as an excuse)
- Appear remorseful for any wrongdoings
- Make false promises
- Pretend like nothing ever went down
- Offer you gifts or money
- Accuse you of something so that you feel the need to reply and defend yourself
- Urgently need your help
|READ: More Hoover Tactics →
Examples of narcissist text messages when hoovering:
- “Hey, happy birthday. Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you.”
- “I just found a few of your things that you left here. Can I come drop them over?”
- “I know you hate me, but what did I ever do to you?!”
- “I’m so sorry to bother you, but I just really needed some help with this thing. Would you have a spare 30 minutes?”
- “I’m a changed man. Since you’ve left I quit drinking and got myself a really solid job. Come home baby and we can have our happy life back.”
- “I’m so sorry if I hurt you in any way. Let’s talk about it and sort things out.”
How to Respond to a Narcissist’s Text Message
Knowing how to respond to a narcissist’s text message can be tricky. You don’t want to encourage them and dig yourself into a deeper hole. But at the same time, you might feel the need to protect yourself and not let on that you see right through them.
Tips for Responding to a Narcissist’s Text Messages:
- Don’t reply instantly, set the boundary that you’re not always available. Give yourself time to process their message and formulate a simple response that doesn’t play into their game.
- Keep your replies factual and to the point.
- Don’t hand over too much information – a person should earn your information over time as you build a healthy level of trust.
- Ignore texts that include gaslighting, devaluing and disrespect.
- Don’t encourage their word salad by responding to every single point they made. Keep it simple with a calm and logical response.
- Do not defend – you have no need to defend yourself against the narcissist’s false accusations. Avoid playing into their hands.
- No contact – block them and go no contact if you can. You don’t need to be used as their energy source!
Why do Narcissists Ignore Texts?
Typically narcissists ignore texts for a few reasons. They like to remain in the power position and turning on and off their contact with you is a good way to do that. If they are busy with other supply and don’t see any value in you, they will straight out ignore you.
If they feel the need to punish you for behaviour that they don’t approve of, expect to have your texts ignored.
They will also ignore texts hoping that you’ll chase them, making them feel superior and more special than you.
A big part of the trauma bonding process is about withholding communication and affection from you, so that when they give it back, you feel such incredible relief, you end up ‘needing’ them.
It’s all just one sick and twisted game really.
What Happens if You Ignore a Narcissist’s Texts?
Ironically, one of the narcissist’s biggest fears is abandonment. I know what you’re thinking – they have no problem flicking others at the drop of a hat, how incredibly hypocritical! Yep, welcome to the world of a narcissist.
If you ignore a narcissist’s text they will take that as an immediate rejection. They don’t even care if there’s a logical explanation, like you were busy or you didn’t have phone reception.
The fact is, you were not there for them in the exact moment in which they demanded you be available. The narcissistic personality mental disorder means that they see the world through a completely skewed lens.
Because their ego is in full control of their lives, they are actually living as a completely false self. That false self believes that there is no power higher or mightier than themselves. Therefore, if they are the centre of the universe, how dare you ignore them! That behaviour is intolerable to them and they will seek retribution to justify their warped sense of reality.
Here’s what to expect if you ignore a narcissist’s texts:
- Reverse silent treatment – they’ll ignore you right back, expecting you to grovel to them
- Anger – they’ll shoot you angry texts, demanding to know where you are and why you’re not talking to them
- Devalue you – they’ll feel the need to belittle you and take a stab at your self-worth as punishment
- Show up unannounced – they’ll rock up at your house or work without warning and put you on the spot
- Feigned worry – they’ll pretend to be the concerned friend, using guilt to get you to respond to them
- Entitlement – they’ll use their air of superiority and the “don’t you know who I am” tactic
- Smear campaign – they’ll punish you and rewrite the storyline by smearing you to your friends and acquaintances.
- New supply – if you’re not available anymore, they’ll move onto a new supply because they cannot go without their drug
Releasing Yourself from the Narcissist
If you don’t need to keep the narcissist in your life for one reason or another (e.g. having children with them or working with them), it’s my suggestion that you go No Contact and remove their toxins from your life.
While the narcissist is still in your life, they will continue to keep trying to extract your life force energy. They are energetic vampires who need to leech off others in order to sustain their false selves.
It’s time to put yourself first and no longer be available for those who are unwilling to take responsibility for themselves.
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