Hoovering is a common tactic that narcissists will use when you have escaped (or are escaping) their toxic web and they want to pull you back into their world. Much like a Hoover will vacuum up everything in its path, a narcissist will try to do the same.
The aim of hoovering is to coerce a person, through seemingly innocent and kind gestures, back into a position where the narcissist can use them for their own personal gain.
Oftentimes, the words or actions that the narcissist employ will seem harmless enough on the surface. Other people might even respond with, “Oh, that was nice of them,” when you relay what they’ve said or done. However, you know deep inside, that it just doesn’t feel right, even if you can’t put your finger on ‘why.’
Always trust your gut feeling, especially when dealing with a narcissist. Your body will instinctively and energetically pick up on subtleties that your mind will automatically rationalise.
The narcissist will know you well enough to be fully aware of what specific manipulations will work best on you, based on your innermost wounds.
Whichever variation of tactics the narcissist uses on you, know that they are emotionally controlling you for their own gain, with zero empathy given towards your own wellbeing.
Narcissist hoovering techniques fall into two categories:
- Tugging at your heartstrings – Using your empathy and compassion against you
- Bullying you back into their web – Using your fears and vulnerabilities against you
Hoovering is incredibly manipulative, abusive and selfish. It’s hard for an emotionally stable person to even fathom that someone would intentionally pull them back in, purely for the purpose of using and abusing them. Welcome to the world of a narc.
Let’s delve into exactly which narcissist hoovering techniques are often used to draw victims back in and how they use those ploys for their own selfish gain.
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Narcissist Hoovering Techniques & How to Respond
Randomly reach out
Just when you think you’re doing really well with moving on, the narcissist will randomly reach out to you, completely out of the blue. They seem to have an uncanny knack of sensing when you’re going, going, gone… and they’ll grab you just before you’re free.
The’ll usually send a random text or message through social media. It will seem innocent enough, which will inevitably create a bit of a conundrum for you. To not reply would seem rude, yet replying will just encourage the narcissit, which you want to avoid at all costs.
Examples of a narcissist randomly reaching out:
- “Hey, I thought I just drove past your car. Was that you in town?”
- “I’m just listening to our song on the radio, thinking of all the good times we had.”
- “I heard that you just lost your job. I hope you’re okay.”
- [Random jumbled text] “Oops, my niece had my phone and must have sent you that message. So, how are you, anyway?”
- “I just saw a new health food cafe pop up down the road and thought of you. Have you seen it?”
How to Respond
If you get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, despite how innocent the message may seem, honour that feeling.
Know that the narcissist is only reaching out to you in a ‘polite and friendly’ way in order to use your compassion against you. They know that you’ll find it hard not to respond and that’s exactly why they’re doing it.
The narcissist doesn’t genuinely care about how you’re doing or about anything else that’s going on in your life. It’s a manipulation tactic, pure and simple.
Do not reply to the narcissists hoover technique of the seemingly random message. Otherwise, before you know it, they’ll be back in your life and you’ll have to go through the entire process of getting rid of them again.
| READ: Common Narcissist Text Messages → |
Appear remorseful
A narcissist may try to hoover you back into their life by coming to you and showing remorse for the things they’ve said or done in the past.
They’ll say, “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. I’ve changed.”
Narcissists are compulsive liars. They are people of words and mind games, they are not people of action.
Examples of what “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. I’ve changed,” actually means:
- “I’m sorry” = I’m sorry I got caught.
- “I won’t do it again” = I won’t do that particular thing again, I’ll just do it differently next time.
- “I’ve changed” = I haven’t changed, because there’s nothing wrong with me. I will just manipulate better next time.
How to Respond
Even if you do see some apparent changed behaviour in the narc, you can bet your bottom dollar that it will be short-lived.
You’ll be lucky if you get a few good weeks before everything goes back to how it was before. And just like that, you’re back in the same old cycle of abuse.
Do not accept the narcissist’s fake apology because if you do, in their mind, you’ve just let them off the hook and consented to all of their crappy behaviour.
Not only that, the narcissist will resent the fact that they had to apologise for something that they don’t even think they did wrong, just to get you back into what they perceive as your rightful place. You can expect to be punished for putting them in that position, plus expect their abuse to be turned up a notch.
| READ: The Fake Narcissist Apology → |
Make false promises
Following on from appearing to be remorseful, another one of the common narcissist hoovering techniques is to make false promises. This particular tactic is called ‘Future Faking.’
Narcissists are masters at figuring out what your innermost needs and vulnerabilities are. They will know exactly what you want for your future and will paint the entire scene before your very eyes with their words.
They may promise that they’re ready to start a family now, even though they’ve made it abundantly clear that they never wanted children. Maybe they’ll promise you a fancy holiday or to do the renovations on the house that you’ve been asking for for five years!
Beyond material promises will come the sweeping proclamations of them having changed. They may even promise to go to couples counselling, which could go one of two ways. Either they won’t end up following through on the promise, or if they do go, they’ll gaslight the therapist and make out that you’ve got mental health issues that they’re really concerned about.
Examples of future faking:
- “Let’s start trying for a baby! I know how much you’ve always wanted to be a Mum/ Dad.”
- “I’m going to get the downstairs bathroom fixed up for you.”
- “I promise I’ll go to couples therapy, because I really want to work on our relationship.”
- “I’m going to take you away on the most amazing holiday!”
How to Respond
No matter what promises the narcissist makes, they never intend on holding true to their word. The aim of the promises are to hook you back in, not for them to change or take any responsibility for their behaviour.
If it takes you walking out the door for them to finally ‘promise’ to do something that they know you’ve been wanting for years, then it’s nothing more than a narcissist hoovering tactic to manipulate you into allowing them back in.
Act as if nothing has happened
Narcissists are fantastic actors. They have no qualms in acting as if nothing has happened after they’ve just finished gaslighting you, raging at you, dishing out the silent treatment or withholding their love from you.
The same principle applies when they attempt to hoover you back into their world. You may have gone No Contact with a narcissist after a huge blow-up, yet they’ll happily reach out two weeks later, pretending like nothing ever went down.
When the narcissist acts as if nothing has happened, it can further add to your confusion of “Did I just make that whole thing up?” On the one hand you clearly remember their awful words and behaviours, yet you’re now being presented with a nice, reasonable person. This mental mind game is designed to distort your reality, which is gaslighting.
It’s also another attempt by the narc to control the storyline. They want to appear like a rational, reasonable person so that you don’t go telling other people (or other people don’t witness) who the real person is behind the mask.
How to Respond
If the narcissist hoovering technique of pretending as though nothing has happened is presented to you, it’s important to hold onto your memory of the truth. Don’t allow the narcissist to change your truth, just because it doesn’t suit their agenda.
You know your reality, don’t let them bend that for you.
It helps to have a support person to talk to who will help to validate that you’re not crazy. This will help to hold firm in your own reality, not the narcissist’s distorted reality.
If the narcissist tries to come waltzing back in without taking any accountability for their behaviour, it’s best not give them any of your time or energy at all. Show them, by being completely unavailable, that they no longer have a place in your life.
They won’t like you responding to them in this way, as it goes against their own view of self-importance. However, it’s not your job to continue to go along with the narcissist’s delusion that they are perfect and can do no wrong.
| READ: Narc Gaslighting Phrases → |
Use important dates or events to contact you
Another narcissist hoovering technique that they love to exploit is using important dates and events to try and manipulate people back into their world.
They effectively push through a person’s boundaries in the guise of being ‘caring’ or ‘supportive.’ Even though they never displayed those qualities throughout the relationship (besides the fake love bombing), they will still put on a good show if you slip from their grasp.
A narcissist may post a Happy Birthday message on your social media account or send you an anniversary message out of the blue.
They might send Christmas gifts for the kids in the mail or call you out of nowhere to say that their grandma died.
Maybe they’ve somehow found out that you’ve gotten married or graduated from a course. They can use that milestone to send a seemingly well-meaning message of congratulations.
Despite what the message appears to be, you know deep down that there’s subliminal messaging in there. On the one hand they are trying to appeal to your kind nature so that you allow them back in. On the other hand, they’re letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that they still know what’s going on in your life – you can’t escape them.
Examples of dates & events narcissists will use to hoover:
- Birthdays
- Christmas/ Easter/ religious holidays
- Anniversaries
- Mothers Day/ Fathers Day
- An event of someone passing away or becoming ill
- Major life transformations/ milestones (graduation, wedding, retirement etc.)
How to Respond
The best response when a narcissist uses a special event to try and hoover you back in is to not respond at all. They have lost all privileges to be involved in any event or milestone in your life, which is nothing more than a consequence to their own actions.
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Give you gifts or money
Narcissists are material creatures as they only view the world through their ego self, which relies on the world around to obtain validation. And with everything narcissistic, nothing they do will come for free.
If they give you a compliment, it’s because they want three back.
If they give you a gift, you can be 100% sure it’s because they’re expecting you to become a source of supply for them again at some point in the future.
When the narcissist gives you money, they are attempting to ‘buy’ you back.
Examples of narcissists giving gifts or money:
- Offer of help paying for kids school fees
- Money to go shopping
- Having flowers sent to your home or office
- Ordering something online and having it sent to your door
How to Respond
Whether you’re consciously aware of it or not, when a narcissist gives something to you, there’s always an unspoken energy of them expecting something back in return. If you pay attention to how your body feels and reacts during the exchange, you’ll likely pick up on that energy, which you would have overlooked in the early love bombing phase.
When a narcissist gives, you inevitably feel indebted to them. It’s wise to not accept any gifts or money from narcissists if you’re trying to cut them from your life.
If the narcissist gets something sent directly to you, so that you can’t say no to them, have it returned to sender or refuse to accept it if possible. The narcissist may also use this as an opportunity to reach out and see if you received it. Do not respond to the them or even acknowledge that you received anything.
Tell you how much they love you
If you take yourself back to the early phase of the narcissistic relationship, you may remember the narc telling you how amazing you were, how it was fated that you two came together and how you must be soul mates.
Before long the love bombing ended and was replaced by devaluing, discarding, pulling you in, pushing you away, being nice one moment, then raging at you the next.
There may have been moments throughout the relationship where the narc told you that they loved you or cared for you. It would most likely have been in the parts of the cycle where they were pulling you back in after a discard.
You were probably so relieved that everything was calm and okay again, that you believed their words of love for you. But deep inside, you probably also felt that something wasn’t right or that those words weren’t truly genuine – even if you ignored that deep recognition. Don’t beat yourself up, we all did. It was part of the abuse.
Saying, “I love you” at this point is emotional blackmail and nothing more.
How to Respond
Now, fast forward to the other side where you’re free, but the narcissist is trying to hoover you back in. One of the most common hoovering tactics that narcissists use is to proclaim their undying love for you, right as you’re walking away.
Don’t fall for it. Remember all of the moments throughout the relationship where you were not treated with love OR respect. Plus, all of the times where you were manipulated at their whim and they took zero responsibility.
If they did truly love you, they would never ever have treated you that way in the first place. Saying, “I love you,” now is too little, too late.
Play the victim card or guilt tactics
Here we go with another sprinkling of emotional manipulation. The next in the line of common narcissist hoovering techniques is where they play the victim or do whatever they can to guilt you into coming back.
I remember my ex saying to me, “Oh man, I’m so tired with having to go to work AND do all of the housework by myself. When are you coming back?” with tears in his eyes (not even joking!).
“Ahhh… never,” was my immediate response. It was all I could do to hold back my laughter!
I mean, there was no, “I love you and I miss you.” It was all, “I’m so exhausted from having to actually adult for the first time in my life. Please feel sorry for me and come back to be my slave.”
But humour aside, some of the things narcissists can try to guilt you with can be much more serious. They may try to guilt you by saying that they’ll harm themselves or others. Or, they might say that you need to come back to fix the dynamics of the family, even though it was their abuse that had caused all the problems in the first place.
How to Respond
Staying out of emotional blackmail can be hard, especially because they’ll find things that will really pull at your heartstrings.
Stay strong and know that whatever they try to guilt you with is solely their problem. Although you’ve probably solved all of their problems in the past (which is exactly the way they liked it), it’s not your stuff anymore.
They need to pull on their big kid panties and actually take responsibility for their own life without expecting others to enable their behaviour.
But, since they don’t have any desire to take accountability and become a better person, they’ll just work hard at trying to hoover you back in because they already know how to manipulate you into submission. And, if that doesn’t work, they’ll be forced to move onto a different target.
Stay strong, hold your ground, do not respond to the guilt-tripping and let them move onto someone else.
| READ: Truth Behind the Narc’s Tears → |
Use other people to trigger you
Considering how good a narcissist can be at lying and controlling the storyline to suit their own agenda, they may use other people to trigger you.
If you’ve got kids with the narcissist, they might make comments to the kids, knowing full well that those comments will get back to you. Or, on a more insidious note, they will often devalue you when speaking to the kids, with the aim of making the kids think less of you.
The narcissist might keep in contact with your parents or siblings and chat to them regularly. This way they can set the appearance of being a ‘nice, reasonable person,’ so that it’s harder for your family to believe what you have to say. They may even get your family members on their side to the point where your Mum even says to you, “I’m sure he didn’t mean to say that. He seems sorry, maybe you should give the relationship another go.”
Narcs can get into the ears of mutual friends or your personal friends, saying things like, “I’m worried about their mental health. They’ve been saying some crazy things.” Or they can get in and rewrite the storyline to alienate you from your support circle.
They can also purposely give your family or friends information that they know will get back to you and make you jealous, especially if they’ve got a new parter (aka, new supply).
| READ: The New Supply is a Good Thing! → |
How to Respond
Not responding when a narcissist uses other people to get to you can be extremely testing. The narcissist knows this, which is exactly why they do it.
This the time where you need to block the narcissist from all directions and surround yourself with your close circle who know the truth and fully support you. It’s also a very important time to focus on healing yourself and building your self-worth so that the narcissist cannot control your emotions any longer.
Once the narcissist has nothing left to trigger you with, they no longer hold any power. Working on your inner wounding is the key to breaking free from any types of narcissistic manipulations in the future.
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Start the love bombing cycle again
You may find that however the narcissist love bombed you initially is what they will try to replicate as a hoover when you try to leave. But this time, they have the advantage of already knowing how to hook you into their web, so they will know what tactics to use on you for the second (or third, or fourth) time around.
Because you’ve already escaped the narcissists grip and now they want to reclaim you, this time the love bombing is effectively a ‘hoover.’
How to Respond
Use your gift of hindsight to see all of the falsity and red flags that you missed in the beginning. Recognise their fake words and actions for what they really are and keep on walking.
Do whatever you need to do to cut the narcissist out and avoid being sucked back into their distorted world. Because if you do end up back there, I can guarantee that the abuse will only become worse. The narcissist will end up resenting the fact that they had to ‘play nice’ to get you back and will inevitably punish you for it.
Urgently need your help
One of the typical hoovering tactics that narcissists use is to urgently need your help with something.
It might be something that only you can help them with, making it even harder for you to say no. But, it could also be something that anyone could help them with, they are just using an opportunity to put it onto you.
Examples of the narcissist urgently needing your help:
- Have an urgent question on how to do something
- Need help with paperwork that you used to fill out
- Need an urgent lift somewhere
- Need professional advice that they know you can offer
- Have a health crisis
The idea is to create a sense of urgency and drama to get you hooked and engaged before you’ve even had time to think. They are simply playing on your empathy and compassion, which is not okay.
How to Respond
Again, the best response in no response at all. Do not take any phone calls from the narcissist and do not read or reply to any messages that get through. In fact, blocking the narcissist at this point will send them a very strong message that they cannot contact you any more.
Throw accusations at you
Narcissists love the drama, in fact they quite literally feed off it. The narcissist knows that by throwing accusations at you, you’ll be thrown off guard and will feel the need to defend yourself.
Remember, there is no winning with a narcissist. There is no right answer. It doesn’t matter how you respond or what reasonable explanation you can come up with to defend yourself, they’ll twist it around in a heartbeat.
Accusatory questions are their favourite because you will feel compelled to try and defend yourself.
Some examples of narcissistic accusations:
- “You’ve blocked me on Facebook, haven’t you?”
- “Why didn’t you reply to my messages?”
- “Why don’t you ever answer my calls?”
- “You were cheating on me, weren’t you?”
- “Why are you ignoring me?”
- “Why did you lie to me?”
How to Respond
You don’t need to defend or explain yourself to anyone. The best course of action is to not respond if the narcissist is calling or sending you messages.
If they’re accusing you in person, exit the conversation as quickly and calmly as you can and do not engage. They want you to get caught up in their confusing word salad, so that they can further gaslight you and twist your version of reality and truth.
Conclusion
It’s important for your own freedom and mental health to stand strong against the various tactics narcissists use. Remember, narcissist hoovering techniques are merely manipulations, no matter how well-disguised they are.
The narcissist does not care about you, they just want to pull you back into their world to use you up for their own energetic supply. When they’re done, they won’t give you a backwards glance when they discard you.
Take the power into your own hands and say ‘no’ to the narcissist. This ‘no’ doesn’t have to be spoken out loud to them, it’s setting the healthy boundary within yourself and sticking with it.
I know it’s incredibly difficult, but your future self with thank you for holding your ground. You can do it!
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