Spending Christmas around a narcissist is like pulling a chance card in Monopoly. Will you get something enjoyable or are you on the brink of pure punishment? It really could go either way and you wonโt know what you get until the second it drops!
If the narcissist can use the holiday season to have access to a whole lot of narcissistic supply, then they can be high, happy and charming.
However, whatโs more likely is the narcissist totally destroying Christmas for everyone else due to one main fact โ they cannot stand an entire day thatโs not all about them.
Letโs look into whatโs behind narcissistic behaviour at Christmas time and what kind of tactics you can expect throughout the holiday season.
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Whatโs Behind the Narcissist and Christmas Behaviours?
For a narcissist, Christmas can be one of their most despised times of the year. Right at the root of narcissism is the need to feel important, special and above all others, in order to feed their False Self.
Somewhere in the narcissistโs childhood, a traumatic set of circumstances caused the narcissist to subconsciously discard their True Self.
To them, the True Self was a show of weakness and vulnerability. It was the cause of them having to feel such deep shame, unworthiness and rejection, which they absolutely could not stand to feel.
Without having that access to their True Self anymore, their ego was the only thing left to take over the show. Itโs the ego, which has created a completely false reality for the narcissist, with their False Self being the front for it all.
This is what the narcissistโs False Self now sees as a reality:
- โI am the centre of the universe.โ
- โThere is no person, thing or entity that is higher than me.โ
- โI am perfect.โ
- โI am never wrong.โ
- โI donโt make mistakes.โ
- โEveryone envies me and wishes they could be me.โ
- โI answer to no one as I am the one to be idolised.โ
- โEveryone around me must sustain me with their life force energy.โ
- โEveryone around me must bow down to me and revere me like a God.โ
- โEveryone around me must solve my problems and bear the weight of my wrath.โ
As Christmas day rolls around, it comes as a stark reminder to the narcissist that they are in fact not the centre of the universe, however, they absolutely reject that notion.
So, to avoid having to play along with this day where other people are going to need to be taken into account, the narcissist will have the knee-jerk reaction of sabotaging the whole thing.
They have no desire to witness other people feeling authentic joy and happiness because somewhere deep inside, they know that theyโre not capable of experiencing those same feelings.
Such a joyful day serves as an unwanted reminder to the narcissist of just how little they truly fit in and how different they are from all of the other humans. Itโs a reminder of their defectiveness, which they rejected from themselves long ago. So, to counter that defect, they invert their reality to create an illusion of the exact opposite.
What this means for those around the narcissist at Christmas time is that the narc is likely to be sullen, avoidant, rude, rageful, punishing or do whatever it takes to steal the entire limelight for themselves.
They will do whatever is necessary to have as much attention (good or bad) as possible going towards them. They cannot stand the thought of others getting any attention as that means less supply for them.
At the end of the day, thatโs what it all comes down to. The narcissist needs a constant stream of life force energy being fed to them from others so that they actually feel alive, significant and worthy.
READ: What is Narcissistic Supply? โ |
What to Expect From a Narcissist at Christmas
Theyโll Be Completely Extravagant
Some narcissists gain a significant amount of attention at Christmas time by throwing the โbestโ Christmas event! Being the highly competitive creatures that they are, they aim to put on the biggest, fanciest, most happening party going on that year.
But it canโt just be an amazing party, it needs to be seen as being the best party. Remember, appearances are everything in the world of a narcissist. After all, whatโs the point in putting in all that effort if no one congratulates them and admires them for it?
Thatโs where the narcissistic supply is at my friend โ itโs all about the energy that gets funnelled towards them via the attention. Thatโs what makes them feel extremely significant, important and above all others.
Grandiose narcissists are known for splashing their resources (cash, home, car, boat, contacts etc.) at Christmas time, just to make sure that the focus stays 100% fixed on them. Itโs not that they want to share their stuff, but rather that their stuff becomes a useful tool in โbuyingโ peopleโs energy.
Theyโll Boycott the Planning
On a smaller scale, you may be dealing with a narcissistic family member who actively overtakes all of the planning for the family Christmas day. They wonโt compromise towards what the other family members want and will completely control everything, right from the food and location, to the start time.
Rather than asking what is going to work for others, theyโll demand who goes where and how the day plays out.
This is particularly the case for an altruistic narcissist who needs to be seen to be doing all of the things. They need everyoneโs validation for all of their effort, which is what grants them supply.
โOh my goodness [insert name], you are so amazing! I donโt know how you managed to put all of this together, as well as working full-time, plus raising the kids and volunteering in the community. You really are a superwoman!โ
Altruistic narcissists get their supply (interestingly) from doing things for others, but with the full expectation that they receive glowing accolades in return.
Everything they do is for the trophy and public recognition. Itโs never out of the kindness of their heart or for the other people involved. If you want to see true narcissistic vengeance, allow an altruistic narcissist to do something for you and make sure to not put them on a pedestal for it!
Theyโll Monopolise Your Time
Narcissists donโt care that most people have multiple families to fit into one single day at Christmas. In their world, they are the most important ones, therefore you should be prioritising them on that day.
โI am your mother/ father. Children must come to their parents on Christmas day!โ
This can especially be the case with a narcissistic parent. Theyโll often guilt trip their kids with their matriarch/ patriarch role so that the children feel obliged to meet their parentโs needs (regardless of what their own needs are).
Since narcissists donโt have a conscience, they really could not care less about how their selfishness affects you and all of your other relationships. They want what they want, so donโt you dare withhold that from them!
Theyโll Spend the Day Bragging
If thereโs one past time a narcissist loves, itโs talking about themselvesโฆ for hours on end, without taking a breath.
Some narcissists at Christmas will use the day as an annual mark of self-promotion. This is where they get to brag to all of their family about what a fantastic year theyโve had. Theyโll embellish (or completely fabricate) a storybook full of successes and achievements. You knowโฆ just to reiterate that they are the most special and prosperous member of the entire family line.
Theyโll tell you about the cruise they took through the tropics, the advancements they made at work and how theyโre now sitting on an impressive six figure income. If theyโve rubbed shoulders (whether real or fictional) with anyone influential, youโll be sure to hear about it.
Oh, but it doesnโt stop there. Just wait until they bring out the photos! Whether itโs photos of the grandkids, their uber-successful Instagram account or pics of their fancy holidays, you can bet that their experiences always trump everyone elseโs.
And when your eyes begin to glaze over through sheer boredom, donโt worry, that wonโt deter the narcissistโฆ theyโll power on through. They might as well be talking to a cardboard cut-out for all they care.
As long as they get to spend Christmas day feeling admired, theyโll have the benefit of getting high on their favourite drug โ narcissistic supply. Even if no one at the Christmas party is actually admiring them, as long as they think that people are envious of them, thatโs all that matters when it comes to feeding the ego.
Theyโll Do Absolutely Nothing
Narcissists never do anything unless thereโs something in it for them โ not even for their kids, parents or partner.
You can bet your bottom dollar that unless the narcissist is going to gain applause for preparing a beautiful meal, personally gift-wrapping the presents or being an excellent host, you might as well expect nothing from them.
Donโt be surprised to find them spending the day kicking back, ordering others around (to make sure everything rolls out the way they want it to), but not actually putting in any effort themselves.
โDonโt expect me to put in effort to make someone elseโs day special. I am the most important one here. The focus should be on me, not them.โ
The extremely selfish behaviour, that oozes out of a narcissist on Christmas day is particularly typical of the covert variety. They are so completely entitled and lazy that why should they have to prepare the food or wash the dishes? Those jobs are for the mere minions (in their opinion).
If youโre parenting alongside a narcissist, Iโm sure youโre well adapted to organising all of the gifts, food, decorations and other particulars for the festivities. Yet the narcissist will be more than happy to slap an โusโ tag onto the whole thing and claim the credit for all of your hard work.
Theyโll Show Up Late or Not at All
Narcissists love making a grand entrance and being the centre of attention as they blast through the door.
You can fully anticipate the narc to show up late to the Christmas party, then expect everyone to fawn over them. They aim to reinforce the grand illusion that theyโre a busy and highly sought-after individual, who was gracious enough to grant you with a slice of their time.
On the contrary, the narcissist may decide to not show up to the Christmas party at all, even if they did say theyโd be there.
They will entirely expect people to chase after them with calls and messages, even though theyโll probably be rude and fob them off. Being chased makes them feel extremely important, validated and significant.
While a normal person would think, โOh, that was nice that people checked in on me,โ a narcissist will think, โItโs the least they could do after everything Iโve done for them.โ
Theyโll Give Insincere Gifts
The only reason a narcissist is going to get excited about buying gifts for others is if they can somehow extract supply from the whole situation.
They donโt want to spend money on others and they certainly donโt want to waste their time looking for meaningful presents that will bring joy to others.
If a narcissist does put some effort into buying gifts, itโs because they expect something in return.
A narcissist gives nothing for free.
What a narcissist seeks to gain from gift-giving:
- Adoration โ โOh my goodness, I love the gift you gave me. You are so awesome!โ
- Envy โ โWow, this must have cost a fortune.โ
- Collateral โ So they can use it against you if you ever hold them to account for selfish behaviour
- Indebtedness โ You will forever owe them for their one act of generosity
- Appearances โ To keep up the appearance of being the โgreatโ partner/ person that they want the rest of the world to view them as
- Manipulation โ To butter you up and keep you trauma bonded to them, โOh see, they really do care about me after all.โ
On the flip-side, narcissists are just as likely to not give any gifts at all or give completely thoughtless items, which may as well go straight to the trash or charity bin.
More Narcissist Gift-giving behaviours:
- Whinge about what they did or didnโt get
- Compare their gifts to what others got
- Give things that they like, rather than what the receiver would like
- Give cheap and crappy gifts, with zero meaning
- Choose to not buy gifts at all with no compassion towards how others may feel
READ: Why Are Narcs So Stingy? โ |
Theyโll Refuse to Participate
Sometimes a narcissist will straight up refuse to participate in Christmas altogether.
If you bring up the topic of gifts, theyโll say, โIโm not wasting my money on that crap. Donโt expect anything from me.โ
If theyโre fully aware that Christmas and gift-giving is something you love to participate in, this statement serves to invalidate you, your traditions and your happiness.
The idea of having a happy celebration where the focus wonโt be on the narcissist for an entire day is utter torment to them, so theyโll just say, โNope, Iโm not doing it.โ
Maybe Christmas is all set to be at your familyโs house this year. If they donโt like your family or they know that your family donโt particularly like them, theyโll flat-out refuse to go. They donโt care how much pain this inflicts upon you and how torn you are between seeing your family and trying to keep them happy.
In fact, all of the inner turmoil they create by putting a wedge between you and your family makes them feel all the more powerful and significant. In addition to that, it serves to further isolate you from your loved ones. This works to deepen their place in your world as being the most important person.
When narcissists want to isolate you, theyโll use Christmas to create dramas and obstacles that never existed before.
- โYour Mum makes me feel so uncomfortable.โ
- โYour brother always picks an argument with me for no reason.โ
- โI feel so left out by your family.โ
- โYour Dad is so difficult.โ
What they aim to do here is to make you feel like you need to side with the narcissist as they start to implant negative thoughts and beliefs around your family.
Over time, as the psychological manipulation continues, youโll start to really believe their false perspectives about your family and slowly distance yourself from them. Little do you know that the narcissist is getting you to cut out your own support crew.
READ: Narcissist Trauma Bonding โ |
Theyโll Get Blind Rotten Drunk
What better way to tap out of having to show up for anyone besides themselves than by getting rolling drunk.
This keeps them firmly in the spotlight by making damn sure that no one can forget their presence in the room. To a narcissist, any attention is good attention โ positive or negative, they care not.
Narcissists can be obnoxious when theyโre drinking as it tends to over-inflate their false sense of confidence, while reducing their inhibitions. In other words, theyโll feel even more entitled to say and do whatever they feel like, with zero regard to how that may affect those around them.
If anyone tries to pull them up on their behaviour (whether it be on the day or afterwards), theyโll claim, โOh, that was just the booze, donโt take it personally.โ
As per usual, they will avoid all accountability for their actions and if anyone takes offence to that, itโs everyone elseโs fault, not theirs.
READ: The Narcโs 100% Lack of Accountability โ |
Theyโll Abandon or Discard
There are so many ways a narcissist can abandon or completely discard the people in their life at Christmas.
They may take off for days (sometimes even weeks!) on end, so that they can bounce from one festive party to the next. Theyโll feel so important at having such a full calendar of events to attend, that you become even more irrelevant to them than you were throughout the year.
The narcissist will have no qualms about you staying at home by yourself, holding the fort and tending to the kids/ pets/ household tasks while theyโre off living the high life.
If you dare to bring up their selfish behaviour, get ready forโฆ
- โIโve worked my ass off all year for this!โ
- โWhat, am I not even allowed to enjoy my own work Christmas party?โ
- โYou get to stay at home, doing whatever you want and I canโt even catch up with my mates on the holidays.โ
- โIf you donโt like it, you can leave.โ
- โYouโre not my mother, quit telling me what to do.โ
Another way that narcissists like to free themselves up for the holiday season and not have to be accountable for their behaviour is to break up with their partner at the eleventh hour.
Yep, they will literally discard their partner right before Christmas day so that they donโt have to buy gifts, do the family thing or partake in a day that is not all about them.
They may have another easy supply on the side, ready to go. Or, they may go off and be a free entity during the holidays then come back around to hook the ex back in right afterwards. They will offer false apologies, fake future plans and restart the love bombing process to get them back into their cycle of abuse.
READ: The Narc Abuse Cycle โ |
Theyโll Create an Argument
As another excuse to completely get out of Christmas, narcissists will often create an argument out of thin air either leading up to the day or on the day itself.
One tactic here is to use the argument as a way of not having to give you anything. Whether it be time, attention, affection, gifts, help with the food and preparations and so on.
Instead, theyโll use the argument as just cause for dishing out the silent treatment to punish you. Because in the narcissistโs warped reality, itโs all your fault that theyโre feeling so shitty about not having the ability to genuinely feel joy.
READ: 9 Blame-shifting Tactics โ |
Another tactic is to use the argument as a way of riling you up, so that youโre extremely emotionally charged, which hands them a significant amount of narcissistic supply.
Plus, as you head on out into Christmas day, you will be so focused on the injustice, anger and sadness of the argument with the narcissist, that they effectively get to monopolise your headspace for the entire day. In other words, they get to remain the centre of your attention, which is exactly what they need and want in order to receive supply.
Donโt be surprised to see a narcissist start a fight with someone else during the Christmas celebrations. Whether someone says something that triggers a narcissistic injury in them, or they fly into a rage because they cannot handle the lack of attention and supply theyโre getting.
In that moment, they feel out of control and may be slipping inwards to that deep dark place of self-loathing and hatred. To counter that unacceptable feeling, theyโll project the energy outwards like an explosion, which will give them an immediate hit of narcissistic supply. The drug they so desperately need in order to feel relief from themselves.
Theyโll Intentionally Disappoint
Itโs not uncommon for narcissists to make promises for the Christmas holiday period, yet not actually have any intention of holding true to their word. This is called โfuture faking.โ
They may promise to go with you to visit your family, only to have to work at the last minute or โfall ill.โ
Maybe they build you up with some amazing holiday plans or promise that theyโll get you a particular item youโve been wanting so much.
But when the time comes, theyโll either โforgetโ that they promised you or gaslight you with a denial that the conversation ever happened. Or, something will conveniently pop up, rendering them broke and unable to follow through with their plans.
Hereโs why narcissists intentionally disappoint:
- To remain in a position of power whereby they control your life and your happiness
- To erode your self-worth, identity and independence
- To get what they want by making the promise, without having to actually give anything in return
- To hold you in a place of hopefulness
- To create the illusion of being a โlovingโ or โconsiderateโ person
Theyโll Be a Victim
If the narcissist does show up on Christmas day, they may spend the whole time playing a victim role, purely so they can garner sympathy and remain a central focus.
They may feign or play up an illness or injury, making them unable to help and putting the obligation on others to wait on them hand and foot.
Or, they may spend the day wallowing in โsadnessโ using the death of someone in their world or the memory of โthat year my Mum walked out when I was a kid.โ Anything they can embellish or concoct to play on other peopleโs empathy and compassion will do the job just fine.
READ: Truth Behind the Narcโs Tears โ |
Theyโll Be Moody and Contemptuous
Weโve all known that person, somewhere along the line, who spends every party sitting in the corner with a scowl on their face. Theyโll spend the entire time complaining about the weather, the food, the location, the other guests, the dogโฆ anything and everything.
You wonder why they even bother going at all!
Well, this behaviour is very typical of some narcissists who do attend the Christmas gathering, but resent everyone around them for the very fact that theyโre even there.
You can put many of the covert narcissists into this category. While they donโt have the extroverted, charming nature of the grandiose narcissists, they still have the same inner belief of being entitled and superior to those around them.
Being in the presence of a moody and contemptuous narcissist can really bring the vibe of the whole party ten notches down. They wish nothing more than to bring everyone down to their miserable frequency because they lack the empathy required to allow others to feel joy when they cannot.
The trick is to leave them to their sullenness and go and enjoy yourself in spite of their dark energy. Itโs their burden to carry and should not be the responsibility of anyone else.
Theyโll Use Christmas to Hoover You
If youโve extracted yourself from the narcissist and have limited or cut contact with them, they are extremely likely to use Christmas as an excuse to hoover you back into their abuse cycle.
Beware, itโs not because they love you or miss you. Itโs purely because they want more access to your life force energy and nothing more.
Holidays and events are the perfect time for them to send a seemingly innocent message, whereby they will tap into your kindness and empathy.
READ: Can a Narcissist Miss You? โ |
Some narcissist Christmas message examples:
- โHey, just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.โ
- โBeen thinking of you. This time of year always reminds me of the good times we had together.โ
- โIโm sorry about how things went down, but you really did bring it on yourself.โ
- โWanna catch up for a holiday drink?โ
- โI wish things were different. Would you consider giving us another shot? Iโm a changed person now.โ
The whole idea is that they want you to break no contact and engage in conversation with them again.
Once theyโve got you talking, they can weasel back into your life and manipulate you into handing over more supply. They may even be aiming to get you caught up in confusing word salads, where you feel the need to defend yourself against their outrageous accusations.
Either way, when youโre hooked into conversation with them, theyโll be using you to extract life force energy.
READ: Responding to a Narcโs Text โ |
โถ๏ธ VIDEO: 15 Narcissistic Christmas Antics!
How to Deal with a Narcissist Christmas Grinch
Once youโre aware that the difficult person youโre dealing with is a narcissist, you can begin to move forward with some strategy.
The narcissist Christmas grinch is likely to pull all sorts of self-serving tricks out of the bag around the holiday season. They need to flip the script back onto themselves during that one time of the year that is unequivocally not all about them.
Here are some ways to deal with a narcissist at Christmas time, so that they donโt ruin your holidays.
Donโt Expect Anything
The first rule of having a narcissist around at Christmas is to not actually expect anything from them. Donโt rely on them for anything important, because theyโll just as likely โforget,โ change their mind, ignore you or ditch you for something โbetter.โ
If they show up, great. If not, even better.
When it comes to planning the day, organising food and gifts, preparing the house for guests and so on, itโs all down to you. So, put on a Christmas movie or Christmas carols and get into the holiday cheer without their selfishness bringing you down!
Detach and Ignore
The narcissistโs whole game is to get you and others swept up in their world whereby they are the central point.
Whether their attention seeking behaviour is of a positive or negative nature, the outcome is always the same. They need to be the most significant person in the room so that they can siphon everyones energy from them.
Being able to see through the narcissistโs mask grants you the opportunity to detach from them and ignore their childish antics.
Your obligation is to yourself at Christmas. Itโs 100% your choice to focus on making your own day joyful and sharing it with those who are authentically loving and supportive. If the narcissist chooses to wallow in self-pity or act like an overgrown toddler, thatโs on them.
Go โNo Contactโ
Just remember that you are well within your rights to cut all contact with the narcissist if you so choose. However, I understand that there are some toxic people who are harder to walk away from than others, especially when it comes to family members.
But first and foremost, your personal responsibility is to your own mental and spiritual well-being. And more often than not, that means eliminating toxic people from your life, which is your absolute soul birthright.
Choose your own adventure!
If the narcissist decides to contact you over Christmas, you are not obliged to respond. If you do not want to see the narcissist during the holidays, you are well within your power to not do so.
You get to choose the boundaries that youโre comfortable with so that youโre not over-giving to anyone, let alone someone whoโs in the business of taking.
READ: Going No Contact โ |
Prioritise Your Healing
If you are fearful of the narcissistโs wrath for not complying with their false storyline, I completely understand, having been there myself.
The presence of fear around what the narcissist might do to โpunishโ you for being non-compliant is real! Itโs also your greatest teacher in what deep inner wounds within yourself still need to healed.
If there are no triggers for the narcissist to set off, then they have nothing to work with and therefore have zero power over you.
Healing your wounds really is the only answer.
For me personally, I found working with Selena Hill (spiritual coach โ see below) to be the only modality to truly get in deep and remove the trauma out of my subconsciousness forever.
The best advice is always to choose yourself!
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