Unless you are well-versed in narcissism, it can be tricky to know whether or not you’re dealing with one, particularly if narcissistic behaviour was normalised for you throughout your childhood.
This narcissist checklist helps to detail the common traits of narcissism and how those characteristics can play out in everyday situations. From there, you will be better equipped to detach and see the behaviour for what it is.
While the narcissist checklist is not exhaustive, it does provide a comprehensive list of things to look out for so that you can understand how to spot self-serving narcissistic behaviour.
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Narcissist Checklist
Inflated Sense of Self
- Always turn conversations back around to themselves
- Extremely self-focussed
- The narcissist’s sentences are often filled with “Me” and “I”
- Dominate conversations & talk over the top of others
- Egotistical & arrogant
| READ: Odd Things Narcissists Say → |
Superiority
- Belief that they sit above everybody else
- Belief that others should also view them as superior
- Give unsolicited advice & tell people what they should do (belief that they know best)
Entitlement
- Feel that they are entitled to anything they want because of “who they are”
- Belief in special treatment because of their fantasy image of themselves
- Belief that they should be the only ones who are revered (& anyone else who gets more acclaim than them is taking it away from them)
- Will claim other people’s successes as their own – “She wouldn’t have had that if it wasn’t for me”
- Belief that others are there to serve them
- Can treat service workers & anyone deemed ‘below them’ terribly
Manipulative
- Fawn (exaggerated flattery) to get what they want
- Wear people down (exhaust them) until they get what they want
- Gaslight people to manipulate their memories & perspectives
- Guilt people into giving them what they want
- Threaten and rage at people to bully them into what they want
- Bait people into arguments to avoid accountability & shift the storyline
- Get people caught up in word salads to cause confusion & divert from the original topic
- Devalue the feelings and experiences of others
- Use hot & cold behaviour to control the emotional state of others
- Withhold (communication, time, affection, material items etc.) as a form of punishment
- Breadcrumb basic human decencies as ‘rewards’ for behaviour that they deem acceptable
| READ: 100+ Examples of Gaslighting → |
Lack of Accountability
- Inability to admit to mistakes or wrongdoings
- Project the very things that they are doing onto others
- Make excuses for their behaviour, rather than take accountability
- Shifting the blame onto others – “It’s your fault that I did that!”
- Disowning and dumping their unhealed wounds onto others to carry
Public Image
- Their public image is different to who they are behind closed doors
- Extremely conscious of how they look (appearances)
- Extremely sensitive to how they are perceived
- Belief that appearing ‘wealthy’ or ‘successful’ is enough to receive the accolades without truly achieving the things
- Will only say and do nice things if there’s an audience (to applaud and validate them)
- Can be charming and generous in public, yet cruel and manipulative at home
Low Empathy
- Will feign empathy as a manipulation tactic
- Don’t genuinely care about how others feel
- Have enough empathy to know how they are affecting others
- Have zero compassion to actually care about how they affect others
- The emotions of others are an inconvenience to them
Exploitative
- Use other people to get what they want
- Use predatory behaviour to seek out supply and resources
- Play the victim to exploit people’s compassion
- Everything is transactional to the narcissist – there must always be something in it for them
Loyalty
- Expect unwavering loyalty just because of “who they are” (belief of superiority)
- Don’t reciprocate true loyalty back to others (you are merely a tool for supply)
- Can fake loyalty as a manipulation tactic
- Belief that everyone in their world has a duty to them
- Gossip & talk down about people behind their backs
- Don’t talk about you in a way that makes you feel supported
- Can cheat or have affairs but will annihilate you for doing the same
| READ: Narcissists & Affairs → |
Supply & Validation
- View everyone as a tool in their world to be used to get what they want
- Seek narcissistic supply (attention & admiration) like a drug addict
- Excessive need for validation & adulation
- Attention-seeking behaviour
| READ: Truth Behind Narcissistic Supply → |
Fragile Self-esteem
- Extremely sensitive to criticism
- Cannot accept anything that goes against their fantasy version of reality
- Massive fear of rejection
- Gaining external validation is the only way to prop up their False Self
Controlling
- Extremely controlling of people around them
- Expect everyone to fall in line with their demands
- Get angry when unable to control others
- Get angry when not included in decision-making
Fantasies of Grandeur
- Extremely preoccupied with fantasies of success, wealth, beauty & fame
- Feel entitled to whatever their fantasies are simply because of “who they are”
- Belief that they should be rubbing shoulders with those of high status
- Can live in a fantasy world where they believe they’re a part of a particular subculture (even though they’re not)
Addictions
- Constantly trying to fill their deep empty black hole
- Sex, drugs, alcohol, pornography, shopping, food, sugar, smoking, gaming, social media etc.
Competitive & Envious
- Always one-upping others (with stories, successes, material items etc.)
- Must always win (games, arguments & achievements) in order to remain superior
- Envious of others who’ve got what they want
- Believe others are always envious of them
Rewrite History
- Lie about details to inflate their image
- Delete things from the past that don’t suit their agenda
- Rewrite past events to suit their preferred storyline
- Keep secrets as ammunition or to avoid accountability
Angry & Rageful
- Go from 0 to 10 in a split second
- Fly into a rage when things aren’t going their way
- Use anger to force those around them back into line
- Throw an adult tantrum when they’re not getting what they want
- Fly into a rage when they’re losing or have lost control
- Get irrationally angry when presented with information that goes against their false idealised image of themselves
- Will flip out at any perceived slight towards them (whether real or imagined)
Violate Boundaries
- Can easily assert their own boundaries and expect everyone to adhere to them
- Do not respect the boundaries of others
- Belief that other people’s boundaries don’t apply to them
- Get angry when faced with boundaries & will exhaust the person until they lower them
Money
- Use money as a means of gaining supply
- Can be generous with money if they will receive adoration or something transactional in return (sex, power, special treatment etc.)
- Can use money to control others (particularly spouses)
- Can be stingy with money if there’s nothing in it for them
- Can spend money frivolously to gain material items that will make them appear wealthy, successful or superior
- Can get into terrible debt over chasing instant gratification, but not wanting to/ having the means to pay it off
- Can be involved in criminal activity around money, theft, drugs etc.
| READ: Why Are Narcs Stingy with Money? → |
Inability to Love
- Cannot authentically love (because they are an inauthentic no-self)
- Think that love is adulation & adoration, which should all be filtered to them
- Seek to manipulate & force ‘love’ out of others
- You never feel genuinely loved by a narcissist
▶️ VIDEO: The Narcissist Checklist
Dealing with a Narcissist
Once you know you’re dealing with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is to stop enabling their behaviour. Stop taking their bait and being supply for their mental illness and detach from their fantasy version, which is nothing but a figment.
I know, this can be easier said than done, especially if the narcissist is a partner or family member.
It’s important to understand that the narcissist isn’t going to change, no matter what evidence you take to them. And don’t bother trying to appeal to their conscience and how their behaviour makes others feel. The narcissist severed the connection to their conscience years ago, which is why they’re left as an energy-sucking self-serving person.
There are some situations where the narcissist will need to remain in your life, so learning to detach from their drama and setting firm boundaries is a must.
If it’s a narc friend or narc partner you’re dealing with, the only true way to extract yourself from their abusive behaviour is to walk away from them. The narcissist isn’t likely to let you go easily, after all, your purpose is to serve them, so how dare you leave?
Coming up with a solid plan and getting yourself in a strong headspace so that you can avoid taking the bait for their manipulations will be essential.
The long game of healing yourself and reclaiming your reality and your life will be so worth the tough journey ahead.
I hope the narcissist checklist is helpful in spotting their incredibly self-serving behaviour so that you can extract yourself from it moving forward.
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