Narcissistic mothers are solely programmed to think of themselves as the centre of the universe and that includes seeing themselves as being more important than their own children.
The narcissistic mother’s ego cannot accept any truth outside of, “I am perfect, I am superior, I am a Goddess.” This is the only way she can maintain her fantasy delusion of specialness, which is the core of her psychological survival.
Whenever any evidence comes in from the outside world that goes against her false reality, she must immediately project it back onto those around her.
This is a knee-jerk reaction from her ego so she can be protected from her own deep wounding and inner truth – that she is a flawed and imperfect being, just like everybody else.
Heartbreakingly, daughters of narcissistic mothers are often the first target in line for these projections, which can slowly erode and destroy them over time.
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How Narcissistic Mothers Destroy Their Daughters
A narcissistic mother will dump her own imperfections and deficits onto her daughter. Then she will side-eye and criticise her daughter because all she can see are her own flaws and failings, yet she refuses to accept those triggers as being her own.
The narcissistic mother’s ego will seek to destroy each of the flaws she now sees within her daughter because she cannot bear to have those constant reminders existing in her reality.
At this stage, the narcissistic mother truly does view her daughter as being the one with the flaws. She will attack her daughter for her own projected imperfections, working to annihilate them from existence.
This is the only way she knows how to deal with her own internal weaknesses, which she unconsciously refuses to accept and acknowledge as belonging to herself.
Here’s exactly how narcissistic mothers destroy their daughters.
She Gaslights
Gaslighting is every narcissist’s go-to manipulation tactic and daughters are certainly not exempt from this style of abuse.
The narcissistic mother’s agenda is always centred around getting whatever she wants and making sure she always looks good to the world around her.
Without those two things, she will begin to fall down into her inner pit of self-loathing and disgust, which is a fate worse than death to her. Sticking to her self-serving agenda is crucial in stopping her entire delusional version of reality from crumbling down around her.
So, to keep her agenda in check, she will gaslight her daughter without batting an eyelid.
Examples of how a narcissistic mother will gaslight her daughter:
- Deny past conversations as ever happening
- Change the details of past events and stories to suit herself
- Withhold love or attention as punishment for going against her
- Shift the focus off her own wrongdoings, putting the blame back onto someone else or her daughter
- Belittle and invalidate her daughter’s feelings, emotions and concerns
| READ: 103 Gaslighting Examples → |
She’s Extremely Controlling
Narcissistic mothers see their daughters as merely extensions of themselves, rather than individual beings with their own needs and desires.
In other words, her daughter is seen as a part of herself, which she can push around and control as she sees fit. Because of this, the narcissist mother does not see a problem with orchestrating many aspects of her daughter’s life.
You see, since appearances are everything to the narcissistic mother, her daughter must completely fit into her mould of how she expects to be seen publicly.
This extremely controlling nature means that the daughter is not allowed to form her own healthy boundaries. Because to set a boundary is to effectively say “No” to behaviour that you don’t like, or that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
“How dare you say ‘No’ to me!”
If there’s one thing a narcissist cannot stand, it’s hearing the word, “No.” They believe that their (delusional) superior status sets them above the usual rules and that said rules do not apply to them.
By default, the narcissistic mother expects to have full access to her daughter so that she can control the moves. This is instilled in her daughter from the very day she is born.
She Denies & Quashes Her Daughter’s Emotional Needs
The emotional needs of the narcissistic mother’s daughter are nothing more than an inconvenience to her. Since she is an inauthentic being, due to her own trauma, she doesn’t have the capacity or desire to lean into her daughter’s feelings and emotions.
Simply put, her daughter’s emotions just get in the way of her own needs and wants, which in her world, are paramount to those of anybody else.
In fact, her daughter’s emotions may even take attention away from the narcissistic mother, which she absolutely cannot have.
A narcissistic mother will actively quash and disregard her daughter’s emotions as a way of reiterating that she (the narcissist) is the only important one in the room… and don’t you forget it!
She Objectifies Her Daughter
Ultimately, narcissistic mothers see their daughters as objects they can use to gain supply.
It’s no different to being a handbag that purely exists to fulfil the needs of the narcissist… and to make them look good!
There Are Two (2) Types of Narcissistic Supply:
- Primary Supply – receiving energy through attention (either positive or negative)
- Secondary Supply – receiving energy through appearances (must be positive)
Narcissistic mothers will use their daughters to gain attention and to prop up their false reality of being perfect and superior.
Some examples can include flaunting her daughter’s good looks, talents, skills or achievements. Not only do these things make the mother look superior and successful by association, but she gets to ride on the coattails of her daughter without having done anything special herself.
However, since the narcissistic mother believes that she is the most superior being, she will genuinely believe that her daughter’s achievements or positive attributes are all a result of her (the mother’s) ‘greatness.’
After all, her daughter is nothing more than an extension of herself, right?
She Has Unrealistic Expectations of Her Daughter
The narcissistic mother has an insatiable need for constant validation and approval from the outside world. This is how she gains regular ‘evidence’ that her fantasy delusion of being the absolute best in the world is a ‘true story.’
When the narcissistic woman has children, she expects them to be tools in her stage show of amazingness.
Along with this role comes heavy and unrealistic expectations on her daughter to look and behave in a certain way. It’s all about upholding the narcissistic mother’s fantasy.
Whatever the narcissistic mother deems as important, she will expect that of her daughter, regardless of what her daughter’s needs or wants are.
She Invalidates to Tear Her Down
One of the narcissistic mother’s biggest fears is her daughter rising above her. Like a typical schoolyard bully, the only way for her to stay on top is the keep pulling those around her down.
The narcissistic mother doesn’t bring anything authentic to the table, so she will never be able to truly rise due to her own genuine traits. Her position of power and superiority is a figment of her imagination, built on deception and manipulation.
To avoid being outshone by her daughter, she will invalidate her and intentionally tear her down. It all makes her feel incredibly powerful and superior, while securing her position at the top.
Another painful aspect of how narcissistic mothers destroy their daughters is by dumping their unhealed wounds onto them, which we covered a little earlier. They will project their own disowned traumas onto their daughters, then their ego will attack them as a way of trying to eradicate that wounding from their existence.
Her Love is Conditional
When the narcissistic mother went through the split in their consciousness as a child (due to trauma), she severed the connection with her True Self for the duration of this lifetime.
Without having access to her True Self, she can no longer experience authentic love. The closest thing she can experience to ‘love’ is when she gets hits of narcissistic supply in the form of adulation and attention.
Unfortunately, this means that a narcissistic mother will never love her children unconditionally.
Her immature understanding of love is wrapped up in a belief of performing correctly in order to receive praise, attention and affection. So, if this is how she thinks ‘love’ is received, it makes sense that it’s also how she gives it to her daughter.
On top of that, the narcissist’s view of the world only comes in two shades – black or white. There are no grey areas for them. This is why the narcissistic mother can turn on a dime, because in her world, you’re either with her or against her. There is no in between.
Therefore, when the daughter behaves in a way that the narcissistic mother approves of (and supports her fantasy), she can be kind and generous.
But, when the daughter shows up in ways that the mother disapproves of (i.e. goes against the fantasy), she will be cruel and cold. Withholding affection and attention are common tactics of the narcissistic mother.
She Accepts Zero Accountability
The backbone of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is the absolute avoidance of their own flaws and imperfections.
The narcissistic mother’s ego has built an entire delusion for her to live in, which has her truly believing in her own perfection. This is the only way she is able to psychologically survive the pain and trauma of her childhood.
Narcissism is self-avoidance on the deepest of levels.
For the narcissist’s ego to protect her from the truth of who she really is, it must deflect and extinguish any incoming evidence that goes against the false narrative of perfection.
This is why narcissistic mothers will never genuinely say sorry or take responsibility for any of their atrocious words and behaviours.
If someone needs to be held accountable for any wrongdoings, she will immediately shift the blame either onto her daughter or someone else. This effectively dumps her disowned imperfections onto someone else so that she doesn’t have to deal with them.
She Guilt-trips
Even though narcissists are pretty short on empathy, that doesn’t mean they don’t know how to play on the empath of others!
Another way narcissistic mothers destroy their daughters is through their heavy guilt tripping tactics. This is where she will play on her daughter’s compassion to manipulate her into doing what she wants.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers are emotionally blackmailed through their mother’s regular guilt-trips.
For a successful guilt trip to work, the narcissistic mother will somehow paint herself as the poor victim, while energetically making her daughter feel obliged to go along with her agenda.
The daughter has learnt from a very early age that going against her mother will result in punishment. This punishment could be the withholding of affection, attention or support. Or, it might induce rage and anger in her mother, which then pushes her into doing what her mother wants out of fear.
She’s Inconsistent
The narcissistic mother lives in a completely fabricated performance-based reality.
This means that for her to have her needs met in the way of validation and approval, she strategically performs in a way that generates the artificial responses she so desperately craves. And she expects the same of her daughter, except all of the attention must funnel to the mother – not the daughter.
You can see how the narcissistic mother destroys her daughter’s self-worth, identity and confidence with this confusing dilemma.
On the one hand, the daughter is expected to appear amazing enough to make her mother look good. Yet, she can’t be too good, because then she will outshine her mother, who must always sit at the top of the pyramid.
This creates inconsistent behaviour from the mother towards her daughter as she bounces between praise and devaluation.
If you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, learning to create firm boundaries is going to be imperative for you.
Seeking out a healing modality that will allow you to process your abusive upbringing, plus releasing the trauma from your body is also essential.
Posts About Narcissistic Mothers
- Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (10 Symptoms)
- Standing Up to a Narcissistic Mother
- 70+ Things Narcissistic Mothers Say
- Enabling Fathers of Narcissistic Mothers
- QUIZ: Is My Mother a Narcissist?
- 10 Ways Narcissistic Mothers Destroy Their Daughters
VIDEO: 10 Ways Narcissistic Mothers Destroy Their Daughters
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