If you’ve landed on this post, it’s fair to say that you’re pondering if your partner may be a narcissist.
Some telltale signs of having a narcissistic partner can be an inner feeling that things are just not quite right, even if you can’t put your finger on why. Another is if you find yourself looking around at other people’s relationships and wonder, “Why doesn’t my partner treat me as well as that?”
I always say that a good gauge is whether or not you feel confused after communicating with them. Narcissists are master con artists and extremely well-versed in manipulating their partners.
If you’re left feeling confused after having a conversation with your partner, there’s a high chance that you’re being manipulated.
Below are some signs you may be dealing with a narcissistic partner.
They…
- Are self-absorbed (everything always has to be about them)
- Have an inflated sense of entitlement
- Are very arrogant
- Have a sense of superiority
- Are manipulative
- Are argumentative
- Make you feel like you’re never good enough (e.g. ashamed, useless, unattractive, unlovable)
- Never take responsibility for their words & actions (blame you or others instead)
If you’re still not sure whether or not you’re dealing with a narcissistic partner, have a read of the 12 traits of narcissism.
Once you’re sure that you are dealing with a narcissistic spouse, here are some tips for moving forward.
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How to Deal with a Narcissistic Partner
These tips for how to deal with a narcissistic partner are all about focusing on your mental health and well-being. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, this is not about the narcissist, it’s about you.
Let’s delve into it.
Accept the Truth
When those first moments of realisation hit, that you’re dealing with a narcissistic partner, your whole world is thrown upside down. Everything you thought to be true is suddenly shown to you as one big, fabricated lie.
Firstly, it’s important to stop, breathe and take some time to process this information.
I can still clearly remember what it was like when I first found out my mother was a narcissist and then again some years later when I realised my husband was also a narcissist. That equated to 35+ years of narcissistic abuse, that I had no conscious awareness of.
Finding out that the person you love (or loved) was never the person they so masterfully sold to you over the years, creates a massive shock to the system. You feel utterly betrayed.
When narcissists unconsciously choose the path of narcissism, they step into a lifetime of becoming predatory ‘takers.’
| READ: How Are Narcissists Made? → |
They are solely run by their egos, so the only way they know how to get their needs met is to steal, coerce and manipulate resources from others. Yep, even your spouse who so convincingly proclaimed their undying love for you in the beginning.
All of those times you thought your partner was treating you kindly out of the goodness of their heart, they were only ever buttering you up to get what they wanted. After all, there must always be something in it for the narcissist, or they won’t bother.
Being with a narcissistic partner creates cognitive dissonance.
| Cognitive Dissonance |
|---|
| Where you are being presented with two conflicting versions of the same person, but your brain needs to choose just one so that it can make sense of things. During a narcissistic relationship, you are regularly being shown two completely different people: 1. A seemingly ‘caring’ partner, who says they love you 2. A cruel and manipulative person, who seems to be against you |
Since you love this person, your brain wants to choose the ‘kind, caring partner who loves you,’ but who just has ‘bad moments.’
In fact, that was the purpose of the love bombing phase in the beginning. The narcissist intentionally lured you into their false reality where they tricked you into believing that they truly are that initial amazing person.
The only way to exist in the narcissist’s world is to enter their delusional reality with them, whereby they are superior, special and entitled.
However, it’s time now to face the truth. Who the narcissist truly is, is a complete inversion of what they’ve led you to believe.
The narcissist is not a generally nice person, who has bad moments. At their core, they are an empty vessel, filled with shame and self-loathing. They are cold and manipulative but can pretend to be ‘nice’ simply as a manipulation tactic.
But of course, no one in the right mind is going to stick around with a soul-sucking energy vampire. So, the narcissist trauma bonded you, which created loyalty and a false feeling of ‘love’ within you.
You’ve spent the whole relationship being treated with their ‘rewarding’ and ‘punishing’ behaviour. The purpose of the trauma bond is to keep you chemically addicted to them, making it extremely difficult to ever see the truth of who they are behind their mask, let alone have the energy to leave.
It’s time to be brutally honest with yourself about the truth of how your relationship with the narcissist actually is, rather than how you wanted (or needed) it to be.
Should You Stay or Should You Go?
The next step with how to deal with a narcissistic partner is deciding whether you should stay or go.
I know how much of a loaded and personal decision this one is. If you’ve got children, pets or property to consider, then leaving may not be as clean-cut as you’d like it to be.
It’s important to go easy on yourself since the trauma bond will still be heavy at work. You will probably feel so intensely bound to the narcissist, that leaving may feel like an insurmountable mountain.
It’s said that it can take up to seven times to leave an abusive relationship for good.
No matter what you decide, you will receive no judgement from me. After all, it took me many years and attempts to leave my covert narcissist ex. It wasn’t until I got out, that the fog finally cleared enough for me to be able to see the truth of who he really was.
Keep in mind that your narcissistic partner will not change.
The very nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has them believing that they are flawless and superior. In other words, they don’t see that there is anything that needs to be changed about them. If anything, you are the problem and the one who needs to change!
There are many reasons why people decide to stay with a narcissistic partner and more often than not, it comes down to not being able to leave.
Narcissists are masterful at creating lifestyle situations where their partner becomes reliant on them in some way (kids, family, finances, housing etc.) so leaving them is very difficult. This is no accident. Narcissists thrive on being the puppet master of their partner.
Two of the narcissist’s largest disowned wounds are rejection and abandonment. But they refuse to acknowledge those wounds, as that would mean admitting that they’re not perfect or flawless after all.
Narcissists don’t have anything real or authentic to offer to keep people in their lives. They will treat their partners horrendously and then manipulate them into staying out of fear of being left alone.
If you do decide to stay with your narcissistic partner, just know that their abuse cycle will never stop. You’ll need to learn some strategies to live with the narcissist without taking on so much of their abusive behaviour.
It would be wise to work on a plan that will eventually see you escaping them and creating a new life for yourself.
Do Not Call Them Out
I know when addressing how to deal with a narcissistic partner, just how much you’ll want to call them out and tell them that you know exactly who they are. Unfortunately, though, you will not get the outcome you’re looking for.
The narcissist severed their conscience long ago, so they will not suddenly turn around and feel guilty or remorseful for how they’ve treated you.
You cannot appeal to someone’s conscience if they don’t have one.
Nor should you have to teach a fully-grown adult how to act like a decent human being.
It doesn’t matter how much evidence you show the narcissist, those with NPD absolutely cannot accept that there is anything wrong with their behaviour. Their entire fantasy reality is built around a delusional narrative of being perfect and god-like.
The only way they can psychologically survive in this world, without falling into their internal void of shame and self-disgust, is to shoot down any evidence that goes against their fantasy version of themselves.
If you try to call out the narcissist, their ego will see it as a direct attack on their reality and will seek to annihilate you for daring to do so. They do not have the capacity (or desire) to self-reflect and take responsibility for their behaviours.
Therefore, if you try to call the narcissist a ‘narcissist,’ get ready to see their eyes go black as they set out to destroy you! They cannot risk having you unmask them, because that would destroy their public illusion that they work so tirelessly to uphold.
Detach From the Narcissist’s Fantasy
Once you know the truth about the narcissist, you must detach from their fantasy in order to come back to reality and extract yourself from their grip.
For you to have been able to function in partnership with the narcissist, you had to step into their delusion with them.
During the love bombing phase and then the intermittent reinforcements, they programmed you to go along with their version of reality. Every time you contradicted the narcissist’s superior and entitled view of themselves, they punished you. Then they would randomly reward you to either suck you back in, or for once again going along with their fantasy.
Over time, you subconsciously learnt what was and wasn’t acceptable in their world and tried to do whatever you could to please them, in order to avoid their punishments.
That’s why actively stepping out of their delusion is so important when looking at how to deal with a narcissistic partner. This step is crucial for being able to move forward into a healthier life beyond their lower vibrational realm.
It helps to have one (or a few) trusted people who you can talk to openly and honestly about what has gone on throughout the relationship. This will help to see things from the external viewpoint of someone who’s not in the narcissist’s fantasy versus what has become ‘normal’ for you.
Eliminate the Narcissist
The only true way to move on from the narcissist and be able to heal is to eliminate them from your life. When dealing with a narcissistic partner, the most favoured advice is always to leave and go No Contact unless, for some reason, that’s impossible.
If you think that you can stay and help them change, you’re only deluding yourself (and doing yourself a massive disservice).
Staying with the narcissist or trying to help them change will simply be lining yourself up for more abuse and energetic depletion until there’s nothing left of you. Then, they’ll simply discard you and replace you with a fresh source of supply, without a backwards glance!
Understand that leaving a narcissist is no easy task and they will not let you go without a fight. If you try to leave them, they will pull out every hoover under the sun to try and rope you back in.
But don’t mistake their faux ‘love’ and ‘kindness’ as them genuinely caring about you at the eleventh hour. All they care about is saving face publicly and gaining the upper hand again. Then, as soon as you’ve conceded defeat and let your guard down, they will turn up their abuse even harder and punish you for trying to leave them.
Their superiority complex has them believing that you are so far beneath them that they should be able to have your energy on tap for as long as they like. Then they will discard you when they’re ready, not the other way around.
I don’t say any of this to scare you, but so that you can be prepared for what’s coming and be able to hold your ground even stronger.
If you’ve decided that you’re finally ready to leave the narcissist, get ready for the biggest war of your life. Know that your freedom is on the other side.. but only if you do not allow the narcissist to gain control over you again.
Think of it as having to walk past the devil to get out of jail. You can fully expect the devil to morph into any disguise necessary to hold you there. That’s exactly what you’re dealing with. Do not fall for their manipulations!
The biggest tip I can give you is to block all contact from the narcissist. The less communication there is, the less chances they have to manipulate you.
For more tips on leaving a narcissist, even if you’ve got kids or property together, check out the article below.
Heal Your Triggers
Once you’re on the other side of the narcissistic relationship, you’ll be able to pull all of your energy back from them and pour it all into yourself instead.
The whole foundation of the narcissistic relationship was that you were there to serve them. They energetically plugged into you and helped themselves to your life force energy. This life force is what they’re constantly seeking and pilfering from others, because it’s the only thing that alleviates the pain of their inner black hole.
Much like a drug addict, the narcissist will rage and spit fire when you take their supply (i.e. your life force energy) away from them. This is why, even after you’ve broken up with a narcissist, they will do everything they can to continue to trigger you, whether directly or indirectly through other people and social media etc.
In essence, every time you ruminate about the narcissist or allow their triggers to work, they are still gaining life force energy from you on a psychic level.
You cannot heal in the environment in which you were broken.
Unfortunately, healing yourself while still dealing with a narcissistic partner is very tricky at best, if not virtually impossible. This is why for any true healing to occur, you must be strong and eliminate them from your life.
Trust me, I understand how difficult it can be. I have kids with my narcissistic ex and needed to figure all of this out, while still having a small thread of contact with him. It all comes down to setting very strong boundaries, keeping contact factual and extremely minimal.
Cleaning up your inner wounding takes away the narcissist’s ammunition and effectively renders them powerless.
Focussing on your healing is the only way to release your deep inner wounds, which were the very things the narcissist was able to use to trigger you. From there, you can build your strength, self-worth and boundaries so that no narcissist can ever pull you into their fog of deceit again.
There are two ways to do this, either through therapy or via spiritual healing and releasing the wounds from your energetic body (more info below).
It doesn’t matter which healing modality you choose, as long as it works for you and you can rise above the narcissist into your new, peaceful world.
I also recommend daily self-care routines to calm your nervous system, especially if you find yourself left with adrenal fatigue from the abuse.
Focusing on yourself is now a matter of survival.
Posts About Narcissistic Partners
- Why Did I Stay with a Narcissist?
- QUIZ: Is My Partner a Narcissist?
- Dealing with a Narcissistic Partner
Energetic Healing from
Narcissistic Abuse
If you’ve tried everything to heal but still can’t shift things, it might be time to call in the spiritual realm.
✭ Removal of stuck energy
✭ Removal of old traumas & memories
✭ Past Life Regression
✭ Understanding your journey & how it’s shaped you
✭ Loving & non-judgemental guidance
✭ Psychic mediumship
✭ Ask your guides questions & get direct answers
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www.selenahill.com →
VIDEO: Dealing with a Narcissistic Partner
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