Actions generally speak louder than words, but in this case, the things narcissistic mothers say will instantly unmask their true identity. You simply need to be able to read between the lines.
As a teenager I suffered severely from anxiety and depression, which I can 100% attribute to having a narcissistic mother and an absent father. No one was emotionally available, no one had my back and my mental health slipped into the depths of hell, completely unchecked.
I always felt like there was something wrong with me, but just didn’t know what. After reading an article about depression in a teen magazine when I was 14, that piece of the puzzle clicked for me.
Yet, it was the 90’s. No one was talking about depression. It was still a taboo topic, which resulted in a breeding ground of shame within me, on top of being the scapegoat for an awful narcissistic mother.
It’s about time we discuss the things narcissistic mothers say and shine a light on their often hidden and damaging abuse.
Examples of things narcissistic mothers say:
- “Why can’t you be more like…”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “If you act the way I expect, I won’t be forced to punish you.”
- “After everything I’ve done for you!”
- “You’re so smart. Obviously that comes from me.”
- “You think you’re so good, don’t you?”
- “I never said/ did that.”
- “That dress would fit better if you stopped eating so much.”
The fact is, if you’re dealing with a narcissistic mother, you’re probably also looking at other narcissistic family members somewhere along the line. If that’s the case, take a look at the articles below for more information on those topics.
RELATED POSTS:
◆ Narcissistic Grandmothers →
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Things Narcissistic Mothers Say
Being such a chronic sufferer of depression and anxiety as a teen, having no appetite is always something that I’ve battled with. Not just through my growing years, but even today as an adult.
If you didn’t know me, you could easily have been forgiven for thinking that I was anorexic, since I was so skinny. However the issue wasn’t in me thinking that I was overweight, but in the fact that stomaching food was so difficult with zero appetite.
One of the things my narcissistic mother would say was, “you’re too skinny,” with a disgusted look on her face.
You’re too skinny!
Mind you, she worked in the health care field and in hindsight it was pure negligence on her behalf for not actually getting me any type of medical help with the issue. Instead she chose to devalue me and erode any semblance of self esteem that may have still existed.
Why didn’t my medical professional mother address my issue of being severely underweight? Well, because then she might actually have to take some responsibility for what had caused the issue in the first place. Plus, admitting that there was something wrong with me would reflect poorly on her. Neither of those things were in her play book.
I moved out of home as soon as I finished school into a share house because I just had to get away from her. Over the next year I had a great time partying, drinking and actually eating (albeit, not the healthiest of diets). Hence, I went up from a size 6 to a size 8 – 10.
I can clearly remember standing in the kitchen one day when my narcissistic mother said, “you’re putting on some weight there, you’d better be careful of that,” with a critical eye.
You’re putting on some weight, you’d better watch that.
What do you even say to that? For the first time in my life I was actually a healthy weight and one of the things my narcissistic mother said was that I was getting too fat. That was on the backend of being told for the past five years that I was too skinny.
I mean, what size is there between a size 6 and a size 8? Where exactly is the ‘good enough’ sweet spot for a daughter of an overly critical narcissistic mother?
Right there is the epitome of why I’ll never be good enough for her and why I stopped even wanting to be, quite a few years ago.
That’s just one example of a whole library full of things narcissistic mothers say to their children. Let’s explore some more…
She’ll compare you to others
Let’s get one thing straight. Narcissists are never happy and nothing is ever good enough for them. Unfortunately, that extends right out to you my friend. You will never, ever be good enough for your narcissistic mother.
Narc mums are masters at comparing their children (and partners) to other people who exhibit qualities or attributes, which they want and expect their children to have. It doesn’t matter that those expectations completely disregard you as an individual. After all, you’re merely an extension of your narcissist mother.
Things narcissistic mothers say:
“Why can’t you be more like…”
“Why can’t you be more like your brother/ sister?”
| → They are acting and appearing the way that I want them to, which means they have my approval. If you want my love and approval, you need to be more like them. |
“Did you see how well-behaved little Johnny was at Church today?”
| → I preferred the way Johnny behaved, rather than how you behaved. My love is conditional upon that expected behaviour. |
“Why don’t you wear dresses like your best friend Cassie?”
| → I expect my daughter to be more feminine. I don’t accept you as you are. |
“All of the other kids are having fun, get over there and join them.”
| → Everyone else’s kids are able to be themselves and have fun in a group setting and you’re making me look bad by not joining in. The fact that you’re anxious is not my problem. |
Your emotions are an inconvenience to her
Narcissists not only lack empathy, even for their own children, but they are completely void of true emotion. They’re just not capable of it. The exception being when they need to switch it on themselves so as to play the victim for their own gain.
The general consensus with a narcissistic mother is that your emotions are an inconvenience to them and that they are irrelevant. In fact, they probably think you’re making it up half the time, rather than seeing that you’re genuinely hurt and sad.
Things narcissistic mothers say…
“God, you’re too sensitive.”
“Get over it.”
| → Your feelings are irrelevant and I don’t have time to deal with it. |
“What’s wrong with you?”
| → How you feel or react to whatever I say is not my responsibility. I don’t want to look at my own behaviour, it’s easier to imply that there’s something wrong with you instead. |
“I don’t care.”
| → I literally do not care about you and your needs. |
“Crying isn’t going to change anything.”
| → I don’t have the capacity to empathise or care about your emotions. You’re obviously just crying because you want to manipulate the situation. |
“Stop being so dramatic.”
| → Your feelings don’t matter. You’re being over sensitive. There’s something wrong with you. It’s not my fault you react this way to my words or actions. |
“I’ll give you something to cry about!”
| → You have absolutely no reason to be crying, regardless of how you feel. If you really want to cry, I’ll do something that would be just cause for crying, in my books. |
She wants to control you
Narcissistic mothers can be extremely controlling. They feel as though their children are something that they ‘own,’ therefore the way those children look and behave is a direct reflection of themselves.
Since narcs are totally consumed with how the world sees them, those little humans who are a reflection of them, had better slot in with the narc’s expectations! It’s all a part of keeping their false self and fictional storyline in check.
Things narcissistic mothers say…
“If you act the way I expect, I won’t be forced to punish you.”
“If you did as I asked, I wouldn’t have to yell at you.”
| → You’re not an individual person with your own thoughts, you need to obey my commands without question. |
“I’m just trying to help.”
| → I can shoulder my way into your life, saying and doing whatever I like. I know best and whether you want my input or not is irrelevant. |
“If you didn’t ________, then I wouldn’t have _________.”
| → It’s 100% your fault that I reacted this way, not mine. I will not be held accountable for my actions. |
“Who do you think you are?”
| → How DARE you question my authority. |
She’ll guilt-trip you
The purpose of the guilt-trip is to manipulate another person into doing what you want them to do.
Narcissists are masters at guilt tactics.
Disturbingly, things narcissistic mothers say is direct programming to control, manipulate and bend their children to their will. For the children of a narcissistic Mum, this programmed behaviour started from birth, so they’re well-primed in how to react, purely for the mother’s selfish gain.
Things narcissistic mothers say…
“After everything I’ve done for you!”
“After everything I’ve done for you!”
| → Don’t expect anything from me for free. Everything I do is purely transactional and I expect unwavering loyalty and obedience from you in return. |
“You never call me or come to visit.”
| → I’m the victim here and you need to give me more time and attention. |
“How can you do that to me? I’m your mother.”
| → I gave birth to you/ raised you, therefore you are forever obligated to me. |
“You’re so ungrateful.”
| → You should be grateful for everything I do for you, whether you want it or not. |
“You’re tired? How do you think I feel? I work my butt off all week to give you everything you’ve got.”
| → Don’t you dare complain, I’m the only one who can do that. |
“You owe me.”
| → I gave you life, therefore you’re indebted to me forever. |
She’ll disguise devaluing with compliments
Among the things that narcissistic mothers say you will in fact find some compliments… however, they’re mostly sandwiched between devaluations.
The backhanded put down totally nullifies any ‘niceness’ that was delivered with the original acclaim. In other words, the compliment was completely fake and you end up feeling confused and unworthy.
So, why does the narcissist do this?
Well, they could be feeling threatened by your attributes, which means they need to pull you down in order for them to feel better. It’s also another way of keeping you in your place, which they believe is very much below them in the pecking order.
The idea that you may outshine them in any shape or form is abhorrent to the narcissist.
However, they don’t want it to be obvious that they’ve put you down, because that would reveal who they truly are underneath the narcissistic charade. Hence, the compliment to disguise the devaluation.
Let’s look at some examples of devaluing compliments.
Things narcissistic mothers say…
“It’s amazing how much weight you’ve lost. Pity about the loose skin.”
“You’re so smart. Obviously that comes from me.”
| → Don’t get too cocky, your intelligence wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for me. |
“It’s amazing how much weight you’ve lost. Pity about the loose skin though.”
| → Either you’re overweight or you’re skinny with saggy skin. You’ll never be good enough. |
You’re so good at your job, but when are going to start earning some real money?
| → You’re not actually worthy or successful unless you get paid more. |
“I love it when you cook, but you need to watch a few more cooking shows.”
| → You’re not actually good at it, you need to learn some more skills. |
The new website looks good. But you know, I haven’t actually read any of it, because it’s not my thing.
| → I want to be seen as being ‘supportive,’ but I have zero interest in what you do. |
She’ll tear you down
A narcissistic mother feels that she’s totally entitled to tear you down – after all, she’s your mother.
Having a mother who tears you down is completely messed up and inverted. She is the one person who’s supposed to support you and love you unconditionally… simply because she’s your mother!
On the one hand, the narcissistic mother expects her children to be perfect because she sees them as an extension of herself. Yet at the same time, those same children dare not outshine her or else they’ll feel her wrath of judgement, devaluation and ultimately, rejection.
There is no way to win – the child will always be left feeling unworthy and filled with shame.
It really is incredible, the hurtful things that narcissistic mothers say to tear down their children.
Things narcissistic mothers say…
“So what, now you think you’re the expert?”
“You think you’re so good, don’t you?”
| → I have every right to pull you down off that pedestal and make sure you don’t rise. |
“No one will ever love you.”
| → You’re unlovable and should be grateful that you’ve got me. |
“So what, now you’re the expert?”
| → You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m the authority over you, not the other way around. |
“Stop showing off.”
| → How dare you have confidence and be good at something. |
“Wipe that look off your face!”
| → Don’t you dare question me or anything that I say. |
“That dress would fit a bit better if you stopped eating all the chocolate.”
| → You’re never good enough, you need to try harder. |
She’ll deny your reality
The only reality that exists in the narcissistic mother’s world is her own warped version. Of course, her storyline exists purely to serve her and nobody else.
Narc Mums do not like to be proven wrong or have anything threaten their image. They will deny conversations and may even simply ignore you and pretend like you never even spoke (my Mum’s personal favourite).
Things narcissistic mothers say…
“I never said that.”
“I never did that.”
“I never said that.”
“I have no idea what you’re on about.”
“You’re making it up.”
“You’ve got it wrong.”
“You obviously misheard me.”
| → If you try to hold me responsible for my words or actions, I’ll just deny that it ever happened. |
| READ: 100+ Gaslighting Terms Narcs Use → |
More things narcissistic mothers say…
- “I’m sorry, but…” – the famous narcissistic non-apology.
- “Stop making a mountain out of a molehill” – invalidating your experience.
- “That was your choice” – she will not be held accountable.
- “You intentionally did/ said that to hurt me” – if your opinion differs from hers.
- “Because it’s all about YOU, isn’t it” – projecting onto you the very thing that she’s actually doing (common blame-shifting technique).
- “I’m sorry you feel that way” – she will not take responsibility for her own shitty behaviour. It’s all on you.
- “You are so selfish” – when you try to have you own life or disagree with what she says.
- “Good luck with that” – you’re on your own, she thinks you’ll fail.
- “I told you so” – she was right and you were wrong.
- “I should never have had kids” – you’re the reason for all of her pitfalls in life.
- “You should be ashamed of yourself” – she’s ashamed of you and her love is very conditional.
- “You can’t spend your whole life being jealous of others” – you’ll never have what they have.
- “You’re lucky to have a mother like me” – as she fans her ego.
- “I’m so approachable, you can tell me anything” – which she will instantly twist, judge and invalidate.
- “I’m busy, I’ve got to clean the house” – she’s choosing to not have time for you.
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother
When it comes to dealing with a narcissistic mother, I first recommend educating yourself on the topic. That way it’ll be much easier for you to identify the toxic behaviours in the moment, which is often easier said than done.
There are a few ways to deal with a narcissistic mother and none will be easy. Choosing which path to go down will be entirely dependent on your situation with your own mother and other family members.
Set Boundaries
As someone who’s been abused and treated poorly for much of their childhood, the idea of setting boundaries is enough to make you cower. Add in a narcissist and it can feel utterly terrifying.
You’ve probably never had boundaries with your narcissistic mother because she made damn sure that you didn’t.
Setting boundaries is essentially recognising which behaviour you will no longer tolerate and not accepting that in your life.
Once you figure out what the ‘deal breakers’ are for you, you’ll need to speak up each time your narc mother crosses those boundaries.
You might say, “if you’re going to put me down, we’ll have to finish this conversation another time.”
We all have the right to walk away from anyone who crosses our boundaries – no matter who that person is.
Get ready to be hit with mega resistance from your mother! She will most probably deny that she even put you down, or she’ll totally invalidate how you’re feeling. That’s when you need to walk away or hang up the phone.
Be aware that the process of setting boundaries is going to take time to roll out. It’s kinda like training a dog. Your narcissistic mother isn’t going to change and it’s not your job to change her (she’s a big girl, she needs to do that for herself).
The idea is to put into place that you will walk away whenever she behaves in a way that is not acceptable to you.
You’ll no doubt feel truckloads of guilt as you’re actively setting your boundaries and I’m sure your mother will make sure of it. However, you no longer need to be her energy source any more.
It’s time to put yourself first, probably for the first time in your life and honour yourself. You’ve got this!
RELATED POSTS:
◆ How to Stand Up to a Narc Mother →
◆ When a Narc Loses Control →
Low Contact
I highly recommend going low contact with your narc mother, even with setting the boundaries.
Low contact basically means reducing the contact to a bare minimum. Stick to short and limited phone calls and pare back to limited in-person contact.
You are not obliged to have an abusive person in your life full-time, even if it is your mother. Consider this, if she wasn’t your Mum, would you choose for her to be in your life at all?
| READ: Going Low Contact with a Narc → |
No Contact
If you really are done with your narcissistic mother, you may choose to go no contact.
This is exactly as it sounds – you do not contact her again or respond to any communication from her.
Again, be prepared to be hit with resistance, hoovering, guilt-trips and manipulations. After all, “how DARE you do that to your mother!”
At the end of the day, your mental health needs to come first, instead of your mothers needs and wants.
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
| REMOTE HEALING SESSIONS |
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