If you’re dealing with a narc, there is one guarantee that you can be certain of – the narcissist will discard you.
It’s utterly devastating to think that the person who you thought loved you or at least cared for you, could be so callous. You may have shared a life with them and even gotten married, had kids, the whole deal. And now you find out that not only did they never love you, but the whole thing was built on lies and manipulations.
It’s nothing short of soul-crushing. I completely understand because I’ve been through it. Unbeknownst to me I was raised by a narcissist, then fell straight into the arms of another one and spent the next two decades being abused by him.
You’d think that after all of the toxic behaviour we experience at the hands of narcissists, being discarded by them would be welcome.
However, it’s not as easy as that. Being codependent, trauma bonded and ultimately enmeshed with the narcissist makes the discard an absolutely crushing experience.
So, how do you spot a narcissist discard in the works?
There are 3 signs the narcissist is preparing to discard you, with a variety of tactics that they will use throughout the process.
Let’s have a look at why narcissists discard the people they so readily pretend to care about and how they do it. Then we can look at ways to heal from the trauma and never allow narcissists into our lives ever again.
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Why Do Narcissists Discard?
To understand why narcissists discard, first, we need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship was never what we thought it was.
The narcissist made you feel like you were their whole world, especially within an intimate relationship.
The reality is that narcissists are essentially conscienceless, empty voids, wandering the Earth seeking out their next hit of energetic supply. They see other people as mere tools to be used up and thrown out, just like yesterday’s trash.
They simply do not have the capacity to love anyone.
When a narcissist says, “I love you,” they actually mean…
“I love what you do for me and give me. I love that you love me.”
Narcissists cut off their True Self when they were a child, leaving them to create a False Self, which is ruled completely by their ego.
With the severing of that True Self, they also cut off their connection to the abundant life force and divine connection. Without that life force, they are left as a defective soul who is filled with inner hatred and self-loathing due to their wounding.
They have been left as a drug addict with ‘narcissistic supply’ being their much-needed drug of choice. Without empathy and a conscience, they will do, say and pretend to be whatever they need to, purely to extract supply from others.
Once a person is depleted, they will ditch them without a backward glance and move onto the next victim.
The narcissist discard is an inevitable part of the narcissistic abuse cycle.
Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse:
- IDEALISATION – First, they’ll put you up on a pedestal and idealise you (also known as Love Bombing). This phase can be loads of fun and very intoxicating.
- THE INCIDENT – Then something will occur, which will cause a switch to flick in the narcissist.
- DEVALUATION – Next, they’ll start invalidating you, putting you down, being cruel and behave in ways that punish you.
- DISCARD/ HOOVER – Finally, they’ll either hoover you back into the cycle, to be abused all over again (if they still see a use for you). Otherwise, they’ll discard you.
| READ: Full Cycle of Narc Abuse → |
3 Signs the Narcissist is Preparing to Discard You
NEW SUPPLY
Either the narcissist has found a new supply or they’re on the hunt for one, therefore, you are no longer serving them a purpose and they will be preparing to discard you.
Here are some telltale signs that the narcissist is searching for or already has a new supply on the scene.
They Change
If you notice some dramatic changes in the narcissist, this is likely a sign that the narcissist is preparing to discard you.
If they’re sniffing around for new supply, they will start to spend a lot more time on their appearance and how they’re presenting themselves to the world. They might be spending a lot more time out or on their phone, then lying about where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing.
They may even have taken on some new mannerisms, hobbies or interests, as they mirror the new supply and love bomb them.
You intuition is screaming at you that something’s not right, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.
After being miserable and firing all of their pain towards you during the devaluation phase, they now suddenly seem happier and have a bounce in their step.
| READ: Narcissists & Affairs → |
They Start Publicly Flashing Around the New Supply
Once the narcissist has firmly secured their new supply, you can be sure that everyone will know about it. They’ll be posting their new BFF or ‘soulmate’ all over social media without a care in the world about how hurtful that is for you to see. In fact, they’ll be getting off on the fact that it hurts you because your jealousy feeds them with more supply.
By this point, it’s much healthier for you to block them on social media so that you don’t need to be continuously triggered by them, which is exactly what they want.
Their false self needs to paint a picture to the world that they are the amazing one, while you are the defective one.
Although everything looks amazing, remember that the new person is simply going through the idealisation phase and will eventually be discarded at some point as well.
If you’re wondering if the new supply is getting a better version of the narc than you, the answer is no. The narcissist has learnt a lot from you and other supplies along the way, but the only thing they’ve improved upon is their manipulation tactics.
AFFECTION & ATTENTION STOP
Once the narcissist no longer needs to use you to extract energy, they will no longer give you any attention or energy. This is where it becomes really obvious that they were only ever doing those things in the past so that they could manipulate you.
Here are some signs that the narcissist is preparing to discard you by withholding time, attention and affection.
Silent Treatment/ Ghosting
Once a narcissist is done, they will completely pull back from you. This may be in the form of outright ghosting your messages and calls, right through to not being available for you at all. If you live together, they’ll ignore your very existence and dish out their childish silent treatment.
The narcissist’s silent treatment is nothing but a game. They push you away with the expectation that you come grovelling back to them. The idea is to keep you in a state of anxiety because they need you to feel as though you can’t be happy without them.
Even though the odds are that they are the ones who should be apologising, the feeling of being deleted from their world is so intense. You may feel the need to do whatever it takes to make everything ‘okay’ again. This is where people often find themselves apologising for things they didn’t even do, just to appease the narcissist and relieve the feelings of pain, rejection and abandonment.
The whole game is based around you being dependent on them, rather than realising that it’s actually the other way around.
During the abuse cycle, the narcissist repeatedly pulls back their attention and affection as an act of ‘punishment,’ then breadcrumbs it back to you as a ‘reward.’ Over time, you become accustomed to thinking that the narc is your form of ‘happiness,’ not recognising that they are the very source of your hurt and pain in the first place.
This is called the Trauma Bond, which is why being dished out the silent treatment when the narcissist is preparing to discard you for good, will feel absolutely devastating.
| READ: The 7 Trauma Bond Stages → |
They Put in Zero Effort
By this point, the narcissist sees no value in even giving you the time of day. Everything with a narcissist is purely transactional. If they can’t get anything from you, they certainly won’t give you anything.
If a narcissist isn’t trying to manipulate and get something from you, then they will not bother wasting their energy pretending and keeping up with false pretences.
All of that effort will be directed at love-bombing the new supply and extracting energy over there instead.
Putting in no effort is also a way for the narcissist to reiterate that they are the only person who matters, you are merely a pawn in their game.
| READ: 8 Reasons a Narc Will Ignore → |
They Stop Hoovering
Once the narcissist sees no more value in you, they won’t bother trying to hoover you back in.
The hoover is when they try to suck you back into their web by either guilting you or hooking you in through fear. They’ll play on your compassion or shine a light on your deepest insecurities, which they got to know very well during the idealisation phase.
If they are getting their fill elsewhere from a far better source of narcissistic supply, they won’t bother trying to manipulate energy from you anymore.
Keep in mind that narcissists see all of their past supplies as items they own. As far they’re concerned, once you’ve been through their cycle of abuse at least once, they can attempt to hoover you back in at any time in the future. Therefore, if the new supply doesn’t work out, they will most likely come back around to hoover you back in while they continue hunting for fresh supply.
| READ: 12 Narc Hoover Tactics → |
THEY BLAME YOU
The final phase in the 3 signs a narcissist is preparing you for discard is where they blame you for the whole damn thing! Here’s how they will ensure that the relationship fallout is all pegged on you.
Devaluation Increases
Leading up to and during the narcissist discard, they will seem angered and bothered by you all the time. Their devaluations of you will increase in intensity.
The narcissist will look at you with disgust and throw cruel words at you. You’re nothing but a nuisance to them now and they will openly project all of their disowned wounding onto you.
You are no longer the shiny object of their manipulations anymore. You are less than the dirt underneath their shoes.
The narcissist will be starting to set the scene around all of your faults and shortcomings as they prepare to discard you. They need the end of the relationship to be all your fault so that they can walk away from the shitstorm without having to take any responsibility for it.
They’re Emotionally Void
Let’s be honest, narcissists are emotional voids at the best of times, however, they were at least able to charade a false image of themselves in the beginning. They showed us a person who somewhat cared and feigned empathy where necessary.
Then things changed and that switch inside of them flipped.
“Not only are you too sensitive, but it’s also your own damn fault that all of this is happening to you.”
Now, when the narcissist is preparing to discard you, they won’t even bat an eyelid that you’re crying. They are devoid of any real human emotion and are completely unmoved by the fact that they are the cause of your pain and tears.
In fact, your desperate need for them to see you and hear you further works to inflate their sense of superiority. The fact that they mean that much to you and that they have that much control over your emotions, just validates their fantasy of being ‘special’ even more.
But your emotions mean nothing to them. They are nothing but an inconvenience unless they somehow serve them, the puppet master, which they no longer do.
Gaslight You to Control the Storyline
One of the 3 signs the narcissist is preparing to discard you is to gaslight your version of events so that they can control the final storyline.
Narcissists cannot stand the thought of anybody knowing who they are beneath their false facade and their biggest fear is people finding out that truth from you.
They will gaslight you and manipulate your memories in such a way as to try and make you actually take the blame for the abuse and their poor behaviours. The aim is for you to end up believing that it truly was all of your fault that they’ve discarded you.
In fact, in the narcissist’s fantasy world, they actually believe that they are the victim and you the abuser. Their ego simply cannot accept that they are imperfect in any way, so all of their shortcomings must be projected onto you in order to validate their delusional reality.
My narcissistic ex used to get me into conversational corners and try to gaslight me into rewriting the storyline. Even without fully understanding gaslighting, I knew that there was no right answer.
He’d ‘innocently’ ask things like:
- “I never stopped you from spending money, did I?”
- “I didn’t stop you from seeing your friends, did I?”
If I answered those questions truthfully, I knew he’d get me into a word salad and the conversation would continue to escalate until he had worn me down and gotten me to agree with him just out of sheer exhaustion.
Or, if I agreed with what he said, then I would been okaying his behaviour, which would have served to strengthen his public storyline.
The idea is to paint whatever picture it is that they want the rest of the world to see, regardless of what the truth is.
Take the gaslighting quiz to find out if that’s what they’re doing to you.
| READ: 100+ Gaslighting Examples → |
| ↓ Get the FREE Gaslighting & Red Flag Checklists below when you join the email community! ↓ |
Blame-shifting
Narcissists are famous for projecting their own bs onto others and then actually blaming the other person for the very things that they have been doing.
What’s actually going on here is that the narcissist cannot and will not self-reflect. They do not have the resources to look within at their own wounds when something is triggered within them.
So instead, their ego must immediately superimpose their flaws onto you (projection). The twisted thing is that in the narcissist’s warped reality, they genuinely think that you are the one doing all of the wrong things.
Then, just to make matters worse, their ego wants to destroy those flaws and wounds, so you get lined up in the crosshairs and attacked for wearing the narcissist’s superimposed traumas.
Also, given that the narcissist takes zero responsibility, they will blame you for all of the reasons why the friendship or relationship didn’t work. So, not only are you being completely discarded, but it’s all your own fault.
And yep… they genuinely believe that.
By shifting the blame for the entire breakdown of the relationship onto you, they get to walk off into the sunset completely free of responsibility. Plus, they will feel superior knowing that the rest of the world views them as the ‘perfect’ one, while you are the failure.
| READ: Narc Blame Shifting Tactics → |
Triangulation/ Smear Campaign
Right on the back of being blamed for everything, the narcissist will actively talk to anyone and everyone you know to rewrite the storyline. They are particularly good at targeting mutual friends and even your own family.
Narcissists must control everything and enlisting Flying Monkeys is a big part of that.
By this point, you are their biggest threat because you’re onto them. You’ve seen aspects of who they truly are, not the false image that they put so much energy into showcasing to the world.
Their ego is on a rampage and will not risk being outed or revealed in any way. They will do whatever it takes to paint themselves as the victim and you as the perpetrator, regardless of what the truth is.
You see, the narcissist is a pathological liar. They lie constantly to get their way and will even believe their own lies over time. Narcs are brilliant and confident liars, holding eye contact and really wrapping people into their storyline.
Before you’ve even had a chance to talk to anyone, the narc has already painted the picture for everyone, making anything you say completely unbelievable.
Smear campaigns can be utterly devastating and even serve to destroy people’s careers and reputations irreparably.
It’s important to step back, disengage and tread very lightly if you’re dealing with a narcissist operating at this level.
The Mask Falls
By the time you get to the final sign that the narcissist is preparing to discard you, they can’t help but show you who they truly are.
Seeing a narcissist’s mask fall is a truly frightening experience.
Once I left my husband and moved out, his true colours really came through. I saw a side of him I’d never witnessed before in the twenty years I’d known him (even throughout the abuse)!
His eyes went dark and were completely soulless and his vengeance was horrifying. It was not what I expected to witness from the father of my children. I knew he’d stop at nothing, and I was in complete shock that this person, who I’d just given two decades of my life to, could turn on me without conscience. It completely broke me.
All of their true traits will shine through because they simply cannot hold that mask up a second longer once they’ve been discovered.
They may expose many of their lies and you will no doubt be able to understand the false storyline that they are portraying to others.
Unfortunately, even though you’ve seen the mask slip, others probably never will. This makes it even harder when they run your name through the mud, all with a smile on their face.
They can look at you, knowing that you know, but there’s not a damn thing you can do about it… because who would believe you anyway?
It’s the final piece in the soul-destroying puzzle, just when you think they can’t do any more damage.
How to Deal with a Narcissist Discard
There’s no doubt about it, being on the receiving end of a narcissist discard is extremely painful. In the beginning, you thought this person was great and that you’d have many awesome years ahead together.
It’s utterly heartbreaking to then feel the wrath of a completely different person coming at you, causing such intentional hurt and pain. In fact, the more pain they see you in, the ‘happier’ they seem to be. It’s horrendous.
You were sold a lie and you put your heart and soul on the line, only to have it smashed into a million pieces.
Although all may feel lost at this point (I can totally resonate, I’ve been there myself), I can assure you that it’s not.
Here are some things to help you not only deal with the discard dished out at the hands of the narcissist but to step into your power and become a stronger person because of it.
Go ‘No Contact’ with the Narcissist
The first step I recommend is to go No Contact with the narcissist. They’ve essentially erased you from their life for now, but they will do everything they can to still garner supply from you in the psychic realm.
As we’ve already touched on, narcissists love to display their new supply to anyone and everyone, including all over social media. This new supply is totally validating their existence, and they need everyone to see that.
To protect yourself, you really don’t need to be seeing what they’re up to and you don’t need to be hearing through mutual acquaintances about it either.
You can politely ask your friends and family who still have contact with the narc, to not talk about what they’re up to at all. If they respect you, they will abide by your wishes.
For those mutual acquaintances who continue to talk about the narcissist against your wishes, beware that they may be a Flying Monkey. A Flying Monkey is someone who is in the narcissist’s inner circle and who they use to goad you and get information about you.
You will likely still be highly triggered every time you hear about or see the narcissist. You’ll no doubt also be triggered every time you think about the injustices dealt at the narcissist’s hand.
Every time you rerun the hurts of the past, you will essentially be granting the narcissist more supply, which I’m sure is the last thing you want.
I totally get it; they will never offer you any apologies or closure. The pain of the injustice is huge! Especially when they tell others that you are to blame and accuse you of doing all of the horrible things that they actually did.
| READ: What to Expect with No Contact → |
Eliminate Anyone Connected to the Narcissist
The best thing I ever did at the end of a twenty-year relationship with a covert narcissist was to delete every single person on social media who had any connection to him. In my case, they were non-important mutual friends who did not need a place in my new life anyway.
However, my life was so much calmer with way less anxiety after taking that step. He could no longer trigger me in a roundabout way through social media and it meant that he no longer had any access to my life via other people.
If you’re in a position where you’re able to completely eliminate everyone from your life who’s connected to the narcissist, you will be able to fully focus on your healing process in peace.
Heal Yourself
The only way forward from here is to heal yourself and raise your vibration to a place in which no narcissist can ever live again. That is the ultimate ‘win,’ as you will then have the ability to go on and live the amazing, healthy life that you were always meant to live.
The narcissist was merely a catalyst. Unbeknownst to them, they have played a huge role in your spiritual awakening. Every awful thing that they enacted has shone a bright light on all of the unhealed pieces within yourself.
We all have unmet traumas from our past in this life and other lifetimes. Every time you’re drawn to someone who triggers those hurts, you are looking outside of yourself for someone else to fix your hurts and show up the way you need them to.
Unfortunately, that strategy will never work.
The only way to heal your inner wounds is to go in and meet them. Acknowledge those parts of yourself and then release them from your body.
Accessing higher healing with Selena Hill, an accomplished spiritual medium is the only way that I’ve personally been able to fully shift the deep-seated wounding from within myself. If energy work isn’t your thing, then find a good therapist who you resonate with and who’s knowledgeable about narcissism.
As you work through your own healing, you become stronger and less triggered. Over time, narcissistic energy can no longer be a match for you.
You have the opportunity to step into your power and be completely self-reliant. No one can ever have any type of power over you ever again.
This is the true path out of narcissistic abuse.
I hope you’ve found some useful information from this article and are feeling more empowered about stepping into your own truth in this life.
Memory Journal
Release the painful memories of the narcissist once and for all!
- Journal recurring thoughts
- Sort through what’s yours vs. theirs
- Identify your inner wounds to heal
- Pass the narcissist’s disowned wounding back to them
- Step-by-step guidance
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Thank you word for word is what I’m going through. 11 years down the drain and we have 2 boys one with autism who he cares less about. I don’t know why it even hurts but it does. A lot!! After reading this it just confirmed what I already knew! We have no where to go and will be homeless but I can’t stand the abuse any longer!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this Liz. It hurts more than anything because you allowed yourself to be so vulnerable with this person. You gave him the greatest gift you could… your trust. And the narcissist took that trust and crushed it into a million pieces, all with a smirk on his face. I hope you’re able to find a safe sanctuary to finally allow yourself the space to rebuild your life. The best part is that on the other side of this massive journey ahead is peace and freedom. Anyone who’s been through narc abuse knows that the value of those two things sits above almost everything else. You can do this.
This is one of the very best descriptions of the narcissistic discard I’ve read. This actually happened to me 40 years ago when there was no information available about narcissism. I was completely destroyed. I thought I was his whole world just as you mentioned. I became severely depressed. I’ve never completely recovered from it. The trauma can be very intense. It can ruin your life. He moved in with the new supply (she was renting out a room in her home,) he was looking for a place to live, and soon after they both acted like who are you? and started abusing me like I was the problem. We had been together for almost 4 years. It was so hard. Nobody understood. I lost all my friends. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. Thank you for this article.
I’m glad you found the article helpful. I write from experience myself and I agree with you, the abuse and aftermath compares to nothing else (in the worst kind of way). As long as we can look back and understand why these people deserve nothing from us, then it was well worth the experience. Now you can move through life sovereign and empowered, knowing that never again will another person have that level of control or power over you.
This is more practical info than I have found elsewhere.