The Narcissist's Prayer

The Narcissist’s Prayer: “Sorry not sorry”

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The Narcissist’s Prayer (also known as The Narcissist’s Creed) perfectly portrays the workings of a narcissist’s mind. The origin of The Narcissist’s Prayer is unknown, however you’ll find many memes and versions of it circulating the internet.

The Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

– the Narcissist

This short poem accurately highlights the different elements of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and the abuse they inflict on others.

Due to the very nature of NPD, the narcissist will never look at any of these aspects, while those around them are left to feel the damaging effects of every single one of them.

How the Narcissist’s Prayer totally encapsulates the personality disorder:

  • Denial of any reality outside of their own
  • Minimisation of your experience
  • Invalidation of your feelings
  • Refusal to take any responsibility
  • Gaslighting and inverting the truth
  • Blaming you for the entire experience

A narcissist’s reality is steadfast, self-serving, illogical and highly avoidant.

There is no perfect reasoning that will ever change a narcissist’s perspective, no matter how hard you try. They are a defective human being as a result of the way they’ve (unconsciously) chosen to respond to trauma.

Let’s look at the true meaning and reasoning behind The Narcissist’s Prayer.

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The Narcissist’s Prayer

The Narcissist's Prayer

Denial – “That didn’t happen”

The very first thing a narcissist will do when they get called out on negative or hurtful behaviour is to completely deny its very existence.

Either they’ll look you square in the eye and claim that it never happened, or they’ll come up with other phrases to make it seem like there’s something wrong with your memory.

Classic denial phrases:

  • “I never said that.”
  • “That didn’t happened.”
  • “I wasn’t there.”
  • “I never did that.”
  • “You didn’t tell me that.”
  • “This is first time I’m hearing about it.”
  • “You’re obviously confusing me with someone else.”

Why does the narcissist deny?

Narcissists are ruled by their ego, which sees itself as being perfect in every way. If any information is brought to them, which goes against this illusion of ‘perfection,’ they need to reject it from their reality.

The narcissist’s entire world is based around a False Self image, which has been conjured up by the ego. They are constantly creating an existence based on how they want to be seen, believing that their own false reality is in fact real.

Therefore, if the narcissist denies the presence of any wrongdoing, hurtful or destructive behaviour on their part – to them, those things do not actually exist.

“That didn’t happen”
really means…
“That doesn’t fit in with my agenda, therefore it never happened.”

Minimising – “If it did, it wasn’t that bad”

The second line in The Narcissist’s Prayer is all about minimising your experience. If the first tactic of denial couldn’t be fully executed, then they’ll move on to downplaying your version of events.

If you try to express anything that you’re feeling, they’ll trivialise it because it’s simply not important to them. Anything that does not serve to inflate how ‘special’ they are, grant them attention or admiration and in turn feed them narcissistic supply, truly is unimportant to them.

Common minimising phrases:

  • “That’s not important right now.”
  • “It was just a joke.”
  • “You’re so sensitive.”
  • “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
  • “Stop making such a big deal out of simple, little things.”
  • “You’re acting like a child.”

Why does the narcissist minimise?

Narcissists are extremely controlling of the lives and perspectives of those around them. They are constantly manipulating everything to make themselves appear important and superior.

They are actively working to control your reality to suit their own agenda of self-importance. Therefore, anything that threatens to shed them in a negative or imperfect light will be minimised by them, so that it cannot be the focus.

In their world, your thoughts and feelings do not matter to them.

All they’re interested in is manipulating your reality, so that you and everybody else sees them in the grandest light. That way you will treat them like the God they think they are, giving them attention and life force energy, which they crave. Anything to divert their attention away from their own deep woundings of shame, humiliation and unworthiness.

“If it did, it wasn’t that bad”
really means…
“Having you point this out makes me look bad, so it must be diminished.”

Invalidation – “If it was, that’s not a big deal”

Next in The Narcissist’s Prayer comes the invalidation, “if that did happen, it’s no big deal.” This is really just another line to back up the initial minimisation, designed to get you questioning your perspective of things.

Common invalidation phrases:

  • “Why are you being so difficult?”
  • “You’re being irrational.”
  • “Why are you letting something so small ruin the relationship?”
  • “You’re so needy.”
  • “Oh poor you, get over it.”

When you’re being frequently gaslighted and told by the narcissist that you overreact, you’re too emotional and that you’re being childish, you really do start to question your own version of things.

A sane, healthy person who has the ability to self-reflect will over time start to think, “They’ve commented so many times on how big my emotions are… maybe I do overreact to things.”

READ: 100+ Gaslighting Examples

Why do narcissists invalidate?

It was never about your emotions or reactions being “too big” or “too much,” it was always about the narcissist shifting the focus off their behaviour and back onto you. They apply shame and make you feel like there’s something wrong with you in order for them to avoid having to be responsible for their own behaviour.

Along with that, to keep you controlled, they need to chip away at your self-worth, confidence and ability to make solid decisions. They aim to reiterate that you do not matter, you’re merely there to serve them as they are the most important one.

“If it was, that’s not a big deal”
really means…
“You’re defective for feeling that way. Your needs do not matter.”

Lack of Accountability – “If it is, that’s not my fault”

The narcissist cannot admit fault in any shape or form! That would directly threaten to unravel their whole entire false self, which is built on a shonky foundation of lies and manipulations.

Anyone who’s ever spent time with a narcissist will know just how extreme their complete lack of accountability is. In fact, the lengths they’ll go to, to avoid taking responsibility is actually quite mind-boggling.

Phrases for evading accountability:

  • “It’s not my fault that happened.”
  • “How you feel is on you.”
  • “You need to learn to communicate better.”
  • “This is how I’ve always done things.”
  • “This could have all been avoided if you had have just [listened or done it differently].”
  • “This all started because of you.”
  • “If the person at the register wasn’t being so difficult, none of this would have happened.”
READ: Narcissists Lack Accountability in Relationships

Why does a narcissist avoid accountability?

By actually admitting fault in any way (even the smallest of details) means the narcissist would have to acknowledge that they are not perfect, which would inadvertently mean that they’re not a special God-like being after all.

Their whole facade would crack, threatening to expose who they really are underneath, which equals complete annihilation. They would be left with who they truly are inside – a fractured soul, filled with shame and unworthiness, who they utterly despise.

To them, this is on par with dying, which is why everything with a narc really does feel like a fight to the death. They will always outsmart you, outtalk you and outlast you, because their very (false) existence is on the line!

“If it is, that’s not my fault”
really means…
“I am perfect, so it’s not possible to be my fault.”

Non-apology – “If it was, I didn’t mean it”

This is one of those famous narcissist non-apologies. A narcissist will never, ever authentically apologise. Since they never believe that they’re wrong in any way, why should they have to apologise?

However, if offering a fauxpology works in their favour, they will totally fake it to get whatever it is that they want. It doesn’t mean they are remorseful or that anything will change, it just means there’s something in it for them.

Examples of fake apologies:

  • “I didn’t mean to do that.”
  • “I don’t know why I do these things.”
  • “I’m sorry if you’re hurt.”
  • “I’m sorry if you think I’ve done something wrong.”
  • “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
  • “I was just kidding.”
  • “I was just trying to help.”
  • “I already said I was sorry.”
READ: What a Narc Apology Really Means

Why does a narcissist fauxpologise?

They might want you to simply forget about their abuse behaviour so that things can go back to ‘normal’ (i.e. you serving them and handing over narcissistic supply). They might want something transactional from you – money, sex, home cooked meals, housework etc.

Another aspect to this line in The Narcissist’s Prayer is the ‘appearance’ of being the good guy/ girl. It’s all part of the manipulation and control of how the outside world perceives them.

And if there’s any speck of shame or humiliation that might come with whatever has happened, controlling the storyline and pretending to be the good guy quickly nullifies that for them. Even though it’s not genuine, they don’t care. The only thing matters to them is how things look on the outside.

It’s kinda like rolling dog crap in glitter – just because it looks good on the outside, it doesn’t change what’s underneath.

“If it was, I didn’t mean it”
really means…
“I’m sorry I got caught. I’ll manipulate better next time.”

Blame Shifting – “If I did, you deserved it”

The final piece of The Narcissist’s Prayer… “at the end of the day, it’s all your fault.”

The ultimate tactic for the narcissist to truly evade any responsibility for their wrongdoings and avoid their own internal wounding is to shift the entire blame onto someone else.

Blame shifting phrases:

  • “Why do you keep bringing up the past?”
  • “You’re the reason our relationship is on the rocks.”
  • You were hurt?! How do you think I feel?”
  • “If you don’t like it, you can leave.”
  • “I don’t have time for your games.”
  • “If you didn’t provoke me, I wouldn’t have needed to do that.”
  • “If you would just listen to me, then maybe I wouldn’t get angry.”
READ: More Blame Shifting Tactics

Why does the narcissist blame-shift?

What’s really going on here is that the ego cannot bear to be blamed for anything. It sees this as a direct threat to its existence.

Instead of processing criticism (or rejection) like a healthy person would, the narc’s false self grabs that storyline and projects it straight back at you. Their mind will superimpose the negative storyline onto you, just like an overlay.

So now, in the narcissist’s delusional world, they actually do see you as the cause of all the bad things. They are now effectively the victim at your hands, instead of the truth, which is the other way around.

All of the bad things they’ve said and done to you, they will invert and accuse you of doing to them. This is where your mind can really be messed with because you’re left feeling so confused and unjustly persecuted.

For the ego to get rid of this threat, it lines you up (since you’re now the threat) and shoots at you in order to take it out. This will come at you in the form of rage, smearing you publicly, accusations, playing the victim and gaslighting.

Ultimately, they see you as the reason that there is an issue and you must be blamed and punished so that the narcissist can justify all of their atrocious behaviours.

“If I did, you deserved it”
really means…
“This is all your fault.”

Line Break

Narcissism is a Spiritual Disorder

Narcissism, Spiritual Disorder

With narcissism, the effects are felt rather than seen. You could walk down the street and pass ten narcissists and not even know it (except the grandiose variety, who’ll be busy taking selfies!), because they are wrapped up in the package of a normal human being.

It’s not until you start to interact with a narcissist that internal alarm bells will subtly begin to sound. However, in our society, we’ve been taken so far away from listening to our inner guidance, that people continue to fall prey to narcissists time and time again.

Because the narc’s abuse is largely invisible, it’s easy to question if what you’re feeling is real or not. The narcissist knows this and that’s exactly how they work – through the unseen world of energy and emotions.

How is a Narcissist Made?

Narcissists are said to be ‘made’ not ‘born,’ meaning that they end up being narcissistic because of environmental factors.

Essentially, something transpired in the narcissist’s world when they were younger that caused them some type of trauma. It may have been emotional or physical abuse and/ or neglect. Or, it could have been the opposite, where they were overly pandered.

Some studies are suggesting that it can be genetic, however, my own thinking is that the parental behaviour which creates narcissism is the genetic component. That is, until someone along the line is aware enough to break the cycle.

The Severing of the True Self

As a response to the trauma, the younger version of the narcissist learnt that emotions and being vulnerable were too dangerous to their survival. The trauma left them feeling utterly worthless, humiliated and filled with shame. They just could not bear to feel the depths of those things – they felt that it wasn’t safe.

So, they unconsciously cut off access to that part of the human aspect – their True Self.

It’s the True Self that is responsible for those vulnerabilities, which allow us to feel empathy, kindness, compassion and authenticity. It’s also that connection to our True Self, which allows us to have an untapped amount of divine life force energy available to us.

It’s through this aspect that we are able to access unconditional self-love and self-validation from within. We have everything we need at our fingertips when we learn how to truly connect with the divine, our higher selves and all of creation.

However, since the narcissist cut off the connection to their True Self, they were left with the only aspect that remained – the Ego Self.

The ego is the part of the human experience that’s responsible for competition, greed and dishonesty, among many other things. The ego is not authentic nor does it have a conscience. It’s a False Self, which cannot energise itself from within. For the ego to remain in existence, it needs to feed itself from outside sources in the way of attention and external validation, which equal energetic supply.

This is why the narcissist is constantly on the hunt for supply in the form of adoration, approval and attention from anyone and everyone. All of these things feed the ego, which is now their puppet master.

As soon as the narcissistic supply starts to dry up, the ego diminishes and the narcissist is left having to sink deep within themselves, which is terrifying to them!

All that exists within are the horrid feelings of deep shame and unworthiness. Without having access to their True Self, they have no way of pulling themselves out of that darkness. Their only option is to feed the ego, which only ever offers temporary relief from the pain of the black hole within.

This explains why the narcissist seeks to control you and everything in their world, because they are doing everything they can to hang on to any life force energy they can get their hands on.

Everything they do is always about supply.

Since they have been left without a conscience, they do not have the ability or resources to love or care for any other human being. They can feign it to get supply, but ultimately they do what they do to feed their addiction.

Q: How can the narcissist do what they do with zero remorse?

A: Narcissists don’t have a conscience – they don’t have the resources to feel empathy, compassion or love. They are an addict who’s drug of choice is life force energy. Everything they do is about securing their next hit.

READ: A Letter from the Narcissist

How Can You Heal from Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissist Split, Fork in the Road

As someone who’s been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse my whole life (from a mother, then a husband), my biggest recommendation is energetic healing.

You see, narcissists hook their victims in and gain supply by locating your deepest wounds and opening them right up. They intentionally set out to evoke such painful emotion within you because the energy that pours out of you in the process is the very food/ drug they seek.

The narcissist completely empties you of your life force energy, then throws you to the curb in place of the next supply. They are energetic vampires, disguised as everyday people.

The best way to no longer be a target for narcissists is to turn within and heal your own wounds. You are a whole being who does have access to your own true divine self. You have all of the tools at your disposal to be your own source of unconditional love, acceptance and security.

But to truly live the abundant, full life that you’re meant to live, you need to meet those deep wounds within yourself and shift them out. That way those insecurities will no longer control you and narcissists will fail at trying to hoodwink you because they have nothing to work with.

Selina Hill (see below) offers amazingly direct and helpful sessions, which will quite literally remove the traumas that have been stuck in your body for any length of time.

If you’re ready to walk the journey, I cannot recommend this method highly enough. After a lifetime of narc abuse and mounting PTSD, which was getting worse as the time went on, spiritual healing was the thing that turned everything around for me personally.

READ: No, the Narc Doesn’t Feel Guilty
Selina Hill Energetic Healing

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Narcissistic Abuse

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