Narcissists really know how to switch on the charm when they need to, which is especially relevant when dating.
The problem is, the person who you get to know in the beginning is not the person you’ll end up with down the track.
By the time you realise you’ve fallen for someone who’s actually quite cruel, selfish and emotionally unavailable, the bond has been secured. You’ll feel loyal to this person and find yourself (unconsciously) craving and seeking the love and approval from them that you did feel in the beginning.
What to expect after dating a narcissist will be life-altering to say the least.
You slowly hand the pieces of yourself over to someone who’s abusive in the hopes of finding the love, security and validation that can never be found there.
Dating a narcissist is like living your life with a carrot dangling in front of you as the treadmill slowly and subtly gets turned up. You find yourself having to run faster and faster, just to only ever receive the same old crappy breadcrumbs.
It’s all part of the narcissist’s game.
But all is not lost. What you can expect after dating a narcissist can be a true gift, if you’re ready to allow it to be. Once you can get out the other side and see what transpired with clarity and knowledge, you’ll be a stronger person with much more self-respect.
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Why Do People Fall for Narcissists?
Oftentimes, people can fall prey to narcissists over and over again due to codependency tendencies and by being overly good-natured. Narcissists love over-givers since they themselves are in the business of take-take-taking.
People who’ve grown up around narcissism (especially if it was their caregiver) can be more susceptible to falling for narcissistic partners. I fell into this category myself and can resonate with how the patterns and cycles of abuse while not enjoyable, were extremely familiar. The behaviours in my toxic marriage were so much more normalised because of what I’d experienced growing up.
We tend to gravitate to what we know and what we’re comfortable with. People with a weaker sense of self-worth will fall for the narc’s false promises and apologies repeatedly. I was stuck in that cycle for years!
Compassionate and empathetic people see the good in others and believe that everyone is good at heart. They naively believe that some people have bad moments or do bad things based on past hurts and experiences, but that they’re not necessarily bad people.
Unfortunately, this is simply not the case. Yes, narcissists do have bad ‘moments’ based on their trauma, but it goes so much deeper than that for them.
NPD is a Spiritual Disease
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a spiritual disease, which has left the person as a fractured self. They (unconsciously) cut off their authentic self, leaving them with only the ego as their puppet master.
Without access to their True Self, they have zero capacity to give or receive empathy, kindness, compassion and unconditional love.
By leaving themselves without a conscience, they have no choice but to constantly feed their ego in order to feel any sort of relief from all that’s left inside of them. A big empty void, which can never be filled.
To feed the ego they need constant attention and approval, which comes in the form of sex, money, material items, status and admiration of any kind. To counteract the utter unworthiness and shame, which is the narcissist, the ego has created a False Self to overcompensate and gain the resources that it needs to survive.
It’s the narcissist’s charming, deceitful and manipulative False Self that people fall for. The narc is so masterful at playing the characters they need to play, purely to get what they need and to extract narcissistic supply.
This is really important to grasp…
The narcissist will not change because (without a lifetime of intensive therapy) they cannot change.
| READ: The Spiritual Roots of NPD → |
Are You Dating a Narcissist?
Not sure if the charming new person you’re dating is a narcissist or not? Well, unfortunately, they can be tricky to spot in the beginning, especially if you’re not up on narcissism and what it’s all about.
Let’s look at some warning signs to look out for when dating, just to be sure you’re not unwittingly getting hooked into a narcissist’s web.
They Move Very Fast
The very first phase of any narcissistic relationship is the love bombing. This is where the narc will be completely over the top and all-consuming. They can be completely extravagant with gifts, dinners, outings, flowers and other forms of material generosity.
For the covert narcissist, who’s not as confident and flashy as the grandiose narcissist, they may love bomb you with time and attention.
They’ll sit and listen to you talk for hours on end and you’ll be thinking, “This person just gets me.” They’ll make you feel more seen, heard and understood than you ever have been in your whole life.
Meanwhile, during the love bombing phase, the narc is studying you and collecting all of your data. They’re ‘buying’ your loyalty and trust as you hand over your deepest hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities. All to be used against you down the track.
Dating someone who’s moving too fast is one of the biggest red flags I could warn you about!
It takes months, even years to fully get to know someone properly, at a healthy level. Narcs will work fast to secure you, slap a label on the relationship, move in together and even share money before you’ve had time to figure them out.
They’ll promise you an amazing future and proclaim that you’re soulmates. It was meant to be! You’re feeling so good that you’ve finally found ‘the one,’ that you ignore all of the warnings going off inside of you.
Heavy Emphasis on Appearances
Narcissists place much of their worth on how they appear in the public eye. They will be overly concerned about how they look, what clothes they’re wearing, what type of car they drive and what suburb they live in. Their inflated sense of self thinks that because they are superior to others, they deserve the best of the best.
Along with how they look, they will want a partner who looks good on their arm. As people are merely extensions of themselves, narcissists place just as much self-worth on how their partners look. Because to the narc, that all reflects on how they look.
It’s All About Them
Narcissists are extremely selfish people. They believe themselves to be special and even God-like, meaning that they deserve to be revered and worshipped by those around them at all times. Their world revolves around them and if you’re dating a narcissist, it won’t take you long to pick up on that.
You’ll notice the conversations are always about them – what they’ve been doing, how successful they are at work, their plans for the future and their problems (which are always someone else’s doing).
If you notice the communication is mostly one-sided and they’re not showing just as much interest in you and your life, that’s a huge red flag.
Subtle Put-Downs
For the narcissist to stay at the top of the food chain they need to chip away at their partner’s self-worth over time. This can happen slowly and subtly and may even come across in a joking fashion (especially at first).
The idea is that they want their partner to feel worthless without them. That way the partner is less likely to leave them, which means they’ll continue to stay and be a source of narcissistic supply. Until the narc is done with them of course, then they’ll discard them in place of a new supply who offers them ‘more.’
If you feel like the person you’re dating belittles you in any way, particularly if it feels off-hand, that’s a big red flag waving at you to run! Anyone who is a respectful human being will not put you down.
| READ: 12 Narc Discard Signs → |
They’ll Manipulate
A narcissist needs to control everything. Being controlling makes them feel powerful and also curbs the anxiety of not having access to their favourite drug – narcissistic supply.
If you’re dating a narcissist, you may notice that they convince you to eat at the restaurant they like and will even push your boundaries in the bedroom. They may show up unannounced and whisk you off for an adventure, even though you said you wanted a quiet day at home. This all may seem exciting and free-spirited at first, but actually what they’re doing is manipulating you into doing whatever it is that they want.
They’re also testing you to see how easily you will allow them to push through your boundaries. In other words, will you be a good, pliable source of supply for them?
| READ: Narc Supply Explained → |
They Lack Empathy
As we covered at the beginning of this post, narcissists lack empathy. They can feign it when they need to, especially in the early love bombing phase, but it’s not genuine.
It can be easy to think that narcissists do feel empathy when they’re talking about how hurt or sad they feel with their own problems but pay close attention to see if the seeming empathy extends to anyone outside of themselves.
Do they show compassion towards you in moments when it would be warranted? Are they able to offer emotional support when you need it, or do they go cold and detach from you?
If the narcissist isn’t being empathetic and emotionally available for you in a reciprocated fashion, listen to the alarm bells going off in your body. Our bodies have a great way of highlighting red flags for us, should we choose to listen.
The Affection Dries Up
While the narcissist was all loved up with you in the beginning, it’s like the affection just falls away overnight.
It can be easy to dismiss, thinking,”Oh well, I guess the honeymoon phase has come to an end.”
However, with many narcissists, the affection will never come back again, unless they need to use it on the rare occasion for manipulation purposes.
Once they’ve got you hooked, they will withhold love and affection as a form of control. It leaves you always waiting and hoping for some closeness, which you know they’re capable of because it was shown to you in the beginning.
Withholding affection from you as a ‘punishment,’ then intermittently giving it back to you at random times as a ‘reward’ creates and reinforces the trauma bond. Your chemical body learns that the narcissist is the one who provides relief, which is felt through the dopamine and serotonin that gets released into your body in those moments.
Disturbingly, the narcissist gets you addicted to them as being the provider of ‘feeling okay,’ even though they are the very ones who make you feel ‘not okay’ in the first place.
If affection dries up with the person you’re dating, they may not be a narcissist, however, it is typical of narcissistic behaviour. At the end of the day, you deserve to be with someone who’s able to be reciprocal with affection. If you settle for someone who’s not able to give that, you’re looking at a waving red flag.
Their Exes are Either ‘Psychos’ or Still ‘Friends’ with them
Narcissists are all about supply, right? So, if they can keep their exes around for future supply opportunities, they will. If it feels a bit uncomfortable for you that the person you’re dating is still friends with their ex or multiple exes, that might be your intuition telling you that there’s more to the story.
Narcissists are known for cheating and lying, so they might be going back to their ex for sex, money, a place to crash etc. when it suits them.
If the narcissist has told you that they still chat with their ex but, “There’s nothing to worry about, we’re just friends,” they are using that person for triangulation.
In other words, they’re making you feel shaky about your relationship, because of this third person in the mix. This is intentional on their part as it serves to keep you insecure and under their control.
On the flip side, if the narcissist claims that their ex or exes were all psychos, you may have to look at the common denominator. They were probably all perfectly lovely people who got screwed over by the narc. Instead of the narcissist looking at their own behaviour, they’ll automatically invert the storyline and smear all of their past partners as being the crazy ones.
Not everyone with a crazy ex is a narcissist. Especially considering anyone who’s been with a narc effectively has a crazy ex. However, it’s something to keep in the back of your mind when dating.
What to Expect After Dating a Narcissist – The NEGATIVE
You Have Codependency
Narcissists are drawn to codependents as much as codependents are drawn to narcissists.
Codependent people have most likely grown up in a household where narcissism, emotional unavailability, abuse or abandonment took place.
The child didn’t experience unconditional love and acceptance by their caregiver/s, it was very much conditional based upon what they did or didn’t do. So, they learned that to have the love and approval that every child needs for healthy development, they had to squash their own needs and put the abusive, avoidant or absent caregiver first.
From there, they grew into a self-sacrificing, over-giving person who unconsciously feels that they need to be always extending themselves in order to be loved, validated and accepted.
Then there’s the narcissist who has an unhealthy perspective of self, where they always put themselves above others, without exception.
CODEPENDENCY & NARCISSISM
Codependents are prone to put others first and need to feel needed by others in order to feel worthy. Narcissists will put themselves before all else because they have an overinflated view of their own self-importance.
Narcissists will play on the codependent’s need to feel needed, by making them feel like they’re never enough. The codependent will do more and more for the narcissist, always hoping to receive love and approval in return – but it only ever comes in breadcrumbs.
You can see how easily a relationship is formed between a codependent and a narcissist through both of their unconscious behaviours and patterns.
One thing to expect after dating a narcissist is that they will have enhanced your already existing codependent traits. Or if you weren’t previously codependent, you will be by the time they’re finished with you!
The narcissist will devalue, gaslight and manipulate to erode your confidence and sense of self to the point where you feel like you won’t be able to survive without them.
This keeps you in a cycle of needing them for love, approval and validation as a human being.
The truth is, you never needed them for any of those things, you can access it all by yourself from within. In fact, the narcissist needed you for those very things, because they cannot tap into them. But they never wanted you to find that out!
This whole warped reality, which they create is completely false, which we will explore further down below.
You Enable Abuse
Ultimately, to stay with a narcissist and allow their behaviour is enabling their abuse. I’m fully aware that this is a bitter pill to swallow.
I know from my own experience that people were so shocked when I left my covert narcissist husband after twenty years of being together. Why were people so surprised? Because I never spoke of his abusive ways. I knew deep inside that by staying, I was effectively allowing his behaviour, yet I didn’t know how to get myself out of it.
So, I said nothing and played ‘happy family.’ I stayed and I enabled the abuse, much to my own demise.
On so many occasions I would find myself justifying his behaviour to myself, the kids and others, just to avoid what was really going on.
The thing is, when we enable someone else’s shitty behaviour, we don’t actually do them any favours. We permit them to keep acting poorly, robbing them of the chance to take responsibility for themselves and grow as a result of that.
I know what you’re thinking – the narcissist will never take responsibility! You’re 100% right, they never will and that’s on them. But at least by you saying ‘no’ to their behaviour and stepping into your own power and self-worth, it takes you out of the equation of their abuse cycle.
| READ: Why Did They Choose Me? → |
You Become Isolated
Another thing to expect after dating a narcissist is that you may start to become isolated. Narcs will actively and subtly work to turn you against certain friends and family members who they see as a threat to themselves.
The narcissist doesn’t want you talking to other people about the relationship because others may pick up on manipulative behaviours, which you are ignoring or not seeing yourself.
They will say negative things about other people in your life to turn you against them and change your perspective. They may get angry or jealous when you’re socialising with your friends or visiting your family members.
The narcissist needs to be the main person in your life. They want you to be fully reliant on them so that they wield the power to move the chess pieces however they please.
You Are Left with Trust Issues
After dating a narcissist your view of other people will be forever changed. As you learn more about who they truly are (rather than who they portrayed themselves to be), you realise that taking people at their word can be dangerous.
Your boundaries will no doubt be higher than the Great Wall of China as you strive to protect yourself from false people in the future.
You’re left thinking, “How can I ever possibly trust anyone ever again?”
But, more than anything, you no longer trust yourself.
“How did I not see the warning signs? Why did I continuously justify their behaviour instead of getting the hell outta there?”
It’s not trusting in your own judgment that can be the hardest cross to bear. If this lack of trust is really heavy, you’ll probably find yourself avoiding future relationships, because you are so scared of missing the cues and falling for another narcissist.
However, it’s important to cut yourself some slack here. You are a kind, compassionate person who was taken for a ride by a professional con artist.
It’s not a lack of intelligence that got you caught in their toxic web, it was your insecurities and inner wounding. The narcissist learnt in those early days exactly what would trigger you on the deepest emotional level. Unbeknownst to you, it was those things, which they used against you.
The trick to not falling for another narcissist isn’t about living a life with high walls and no trust – it’s to heal your wounds and elevate yourself. I know that’s no small task and I can honestly say, I’m still walking around with my walls higher than I’d like them to be as I learn to trust myself again.
Your Self-Worth Diminishes
All of those little put-downs the narcissist made while dating and throughout the subsequent relationship, stick inside of you. Over time, they’ve programmed you to feel so lowly about yourself, it’s heartbreaking.
You wonder if you’re even worthy of having a truly authentic and loving partner. You look in the mirror and don’t like the reflection looking back at you.
“If only I could shave a bit off here, add a bit there… then I’d be worthy.”
Maybe you feel like you’re destined to struggle forever and not be able to live the life you wish you could have. Maybe you think you should just take what you can get because that’s as good as you can expect.
All of these thoughts and beliefs equate to a life of lack, which comes from low self-worth. The narcissist was constantly making you feel like you were never enough and over time, you started to wholeheartedly believe it.
Not only did they make you feel like you weren’t enough, but when you were playing ‘big,’ they’d make you feel bad about it! When you were looking good, being successful and acting from a healthy level of self-worth, they’d make you feel so ashamed of yourself, that you’d actually dim your own light.
Something to expect after dating a narcissist is that it can completely change you and damage your level of self-worth.
Building yourself up and finding a connection with your true, authentic self after being in a relationship with a narcissist is so important. However it takes some serious self-care and healing, so be patient with yourself.
You Lose Confidence & Doubt Yourself
Throughout the relationship, the narcissist makes you feel like you’re not good enough and that you never make the right choices. Since you never know what reaction to expect from a narcissist, you find yourself regularly walking on eggshells, hoping they won’t explode at any given moment.
Being in this constant state of hypervigilance means that you’re often doubting your own decisions because you’re never sure how the outcome will play out.
You’ll find yourself getting the narc to make most of the decisions, just so that any aftereffects don’t fall back onto you.
“You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
It could be the simplest of things, like choosing where to get your dinner from. Say you decide to get Chinese – if the food ends up taking too long to cook or doesn’t taste up to the narcissist’s expectations… it was all your fault for choosing the restaurant.
A big one for me was when I was driving. If I took too long to pull out into a street, I’d be hit with, “What are you waiting for? An invitation?!” But then when I did drive with confidence, I’d hear, “Far out, how do you still have a licence?”
You can’t win with a narcissist and all of their passive-aggressive comments make it pretty clear that you never do it right.
You’re left constantly doubting yourself and not having the confidence to even make simple decisions in life after dating a narcissist.
Once the narcissist is out of your life, you’ll start to feel how free you are over time to actually make your own decisions confidently. There’s no one there to put you down or make you doubt yourself.
You Have Weak Boundaries
Narcissists hate boundaries. Quite frankly, they don’t think any boundaries should have to apply to them. I mean, if they’re the centre of the universe because they’re so superior, why should they have to adhere to a mere peasant’s barriers?
When dating a narcissist, they will begin pushing your boundaries from day one, and bit by bit, you’ll keep lowering them.
They may seem like small things at first and you think, “Oh what the heck, it’s not that important.”
But over time, it becomes the expectation that the narcissist can say or do whatever they want and you’ll be fine with it. If not, get ready for rage, gaslighting and blame-shifting until they wear you down, then still end up getting what they want in the end.
What you learn is that it’s easier to give in than it is to attempt to win an un-winnable fight.
You Lose Your Identity
The narcissist was never interested in getting to know the real you and valuing that person. All they wanted was the key to your wounds and insecurities so that they could pour salt into them and extract energy from you. Plus, it also served to keep you bound to them as they knew how to play your wounds against you.
Ultimately, the narcissist wants you available to provide them with life force energy, as well as being the person they want you to be.
They will gaslight you to mess with your memories and perspectives. They aim to control your every move so that you’re always there to serve them, not the other way around.
Over time, you begin to lose your sense of self. The narcissist has denied so much of your reality over time that you will not even know who you are in the end.
You Suffer Complex PTSD
Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that happens after prolonged and repeated trauma, such as narcissistic abuse.
When you’re continually living in a state of fight or flight, you’re nervous system becomes fried. We’re only supposed to be utilising that space for short periods as a means of escaping peril and getting ourselves to safety.
One of the expectations after dating a narcissist is that you end up living life on a minefield. You’re constantly trying to avoid the invisible landmines, in the hopes of them not exploding out of nowhere.
Common C-PTSD Symptoms:
- Hypersensitivity
- Flashbacks & nightmares
- Self blame
- Low self-worth & shame
- Erratic emotions
- Numbing out & self-medicating
- Avoidance, confusion, panic
| READ: PTSD from Narc Abuse → |
You Fear what the Narcissist Might Say or Do
A huge consequence, after dating a narcissist, is the fear that you’ll feel afterwards. Narcissists heavily use fear and guilt for their manipulations to dig deep and work on you.
Unfortunately, the end of a relationship with a narc is quite often not the end. If you can block them and delete them from your world, I would do that as fast as possible.
If you end up having further business with them, which goes beyond the split, they will say and do all sorts of things to crush you. If you’ve got property or children together, they will feel entitled to take it all with no regard for you whatsoever.
If you have to work with the narcissist or have mutual friends, they will smear you to all and sundry, just to be in full control of the storyline. And you can bet your bottom dollar that they come out as the poor victim at your abusive hands (instead of the truth, which is the complete opposite).
Fearing that the narcissist might come back or fearing what they will say or do is a HUGE worry for so many in this community.
If you need to get professional safety on your side, do not hesitate to do it, because the narc will often stop at nothing.
When it comes to dealing with fear, the best way to attack is to turn within and heal the triggers within you, effectively giving the narc nothing to work with. Trying to deal with it in the outer world by going up against the narc will do you more harm than good. They will aim to annihilate you, which will cause you so much more heartbreak and devastation.
| READ: 12 Stages of Leaving a Narc → |
You Continue to Attract Narcissists
After it’s all said and done, if you’ve been raised by a narcissist and/ or ended up in a narcissistic relationship, you can be more likely to continue dating narcissists.
We often unconsciously gravitate towards what is familiar to us, because it’s less scary than the unknown.
You may meet someone new and think they’re completely different and not a narcissist at all, only to see the traits revealed further down the track. If you told the person during the initial phase of getting to know each other all about your narc ex, then the next narcissist will make you believe that they are not.
A few pieces of advice when dating after narcissistic abuse:
- Let people earn your information over time – don’t just give it away.
- Don’t tell a new partner about all of the negative things your previous partner did. That tells them that they only need to set the bar slightly higher than that, rather than putting their best foot forward.
- Tell you friends about the good and the bad of your new partner. That way there’s no hiding negative behaviour and your friends can more easily pick up on things you might be missing.
- Make your best friend your accountability partner. Let them be able to honestly tell you what they think about your new person, even if it’s hard to hear.
- Take things slow as you get to know someone at a healthy pace. If a person is genuine, they will respect that. A narcissist will rush you along and push through your boundaries. That should tell you everything you need to know.
How Dating a Narcissist Changes You – The POSITIVE
Grief
Yes, grief is here in the positive aspect after dating a narcissist and for very good reason.
The first positive step you can take after getting out of a relationship of any kind with a narcissist is to grieve. Fully recognise and accept that that person was never the person you thought they were. They were never who they claimed to be, even though they repeatedly manipulated you into thinking otherwise.
All of those times you thought, “How could the person who’s supposed to love me, hurt me so much?” Now is the time to grieve that you never had the partner you thought you had.
Trying to wrap your head around the fact that someone never actually was who you thought they were is heavy. It’s not something anyone else could fully grasp unless they’ve been in that situation themselves.
I still remember the day I found out my mother was a narcissist. I felt so much relief in finally having answers for all of the things that I could never understand. I also felt so sad and had so much grief around realising that she could never be the mother I’d always needed and wanted. It just wasn’t possible for her to be that for me in this lifetime.
I had to grieve the loss of my mother, even though she still lived. I was finally letting go of the idea of who I always held out hope for her to be. And with that, I was able to release any expectations I had of her. With those huge releases came a shift in our relationship. She stopped ringing just to dump on me and I stopped getting off the phone feeling needy and invalidated.
Then a few years later, after leaving my husband, I finally had the time and headspace to research narcissism again and was able to fully recognise that in him as well. They’re both two different types of narcs, so while the energy is similar, how it showed up in their actions was very different.
That level of grief was next level compared to what I went through with my mother.
The realisation that my husband had never truly loved me (he’d only ever loved what I provided for him), was absolutely soul-crushing. To fully accept that the person who you gave your whole heart and soul to for two decades was only ever in it for what they could get out of it is incredibly hard to put into words.
But once you can get to the other side of that grief, you finally get to be fully honest with yourself about what you already knew deep down in the recesses of your soul. You were over-giving to someone sub-par because that is all you felt you deserved.
Finally, you can allow yourself to fully feel all of those suppressed feelings and emotions surrounding the red flags and things that never sat right for you in the relationship. No longer do you have to stay small to stay safe.
There is so much freedom in that!
Benefits of Grief Around the Narcissist:
- Acceptance of truth
- Appreciation of the lessons
- Higher understanding of the journey
- Emotional maturity
- Responsibility for yourself in every possible way
- Clarity on what truly aligns with you and what doesn’t
- Stronger boundary foundation
- Confidence in yourself moving forward
- Gratitude for the simplest of things
- Freedom from the belief that you need to rely on others for self-worth, approval and security
Become Your Own Source of Love, Validation & Security
After dating a narcissist you get to step into your own true power. You see, the narcissist had you thinking that you needed them. However, it was always the opposite that was true.
They need you for the attention and life force energy, which feeds their insatiable ego. Without those things, they will sink down into the depths of themselves, which they cannot bear. You were essential to their survival.
You are a whole being who has access to your own inner wealth. You have the ability to tap into your own unconditional self-love, self-validation, self-approval and self-security.
You can reignite the connection with your True Self and have full-time contact with the divine source of all that is. It was that very power and energy that the narcissist was stealing from you because they didn’t have the resources to access it from within themselves.
| READ: Self-care After Narcissism → |
Narcissists are energetic vampires, who plug into you and suck out your life force energy. If you deny them their drug, they will turn into demonic creatures who will stop at nothing for a feed.
Learn to Create Healthy Boundaries
If there’s one thing that you have none of with a narcissist, it’s boundaries. With the gift of hindsight, after dating a narcissist you can reflect and see what you couldn’t see when you were in it.
Slowly but surely, the narcissist eroded many of your boundaries, one by one. You learned that to keep the peace and appease the narcissist’s ridiculous demands, it was easy to just give in to what they wanted.
You said ‘yes’ when you really wanted to say ‘no.’ Or your no’s weren’t accepted and they continued to work on you until they turned your no into a yes.
Now that you’re free of the narcissist, you have the golden opportunity to choose who and what will have a space in your life. It’s time to write a list of all the things that you want in your life and what things are deal-breakers.
Think about how you want to be treated and spoken to from here on in. Make sure you’re not over-giving and that others are giving as well as receiving. Observe how people react when you say ‘no’ authentically and honestly.
Your personal boundaries will be heavily tailored towards your own experiences and things that you’ve struggled with in the past.
The most important thing is to get clear with your boundaries and practice verbalising them when needed. At first, you and those around you will probably feel uncomfortable, because it’s not what people are used to.
Over time, you will teach people how to treat you as you stand strong in your truth.
Your Tribe Becomes Smaller & More Meaningful
As you start to recognise and assert your new healthy boundaries, you’ll realise that some people just don’t align with your truth. For those who don’t accept that, well they will move on out of your life. And that’s okay.
You’ll notice people leave your life and your circle will become smaller.
I think this is a fantastic thing because now you will only be surrounded by meaningful relationships. Plus, you will also be making space for new people to come in who are more closely aligned with who you truly are.
You are no longer a co-dependent person who’s under the control of a narcissistic person. You no longer have to justify crappy behaviour and you no longer have to feel squashed down or uncomfortable.
What you can expect after dating a narcissist when asserting your newfound self-worth and boundary function may feel lonely at times. But, being alone is perfect for the healing process.
Once you’re totally comfortable with being in your own company, you will no longer need to fill that void with any old person. You’ll choose to enjoy your own company over self-sacrificing your time and energy with people who don’t align with you. It will be much easier for you to say, “no thanks,” and not feel like you’re missing out or needing anything from anyone else.
Build Your Self-Worth & Self-Respect Stronger than Ever
Once you get to the other side of a narcissistic relationship, you are afforded the chance to really work on self-love. Before entering the relationship, it’s quite likely that your self-worth was suffering, which is why you unconsciously allowed the narcissist to chip away at you and treat you the way they did.
If you’re totally honest with yourself, you can recognise that there was a part of you, deep inside, that was screaming at you to get out. But, for many reasons, you chose to ignore those warnings.
Maybe your inner belief was that you didn’t deserve someone better. Or maybe (especially if you’re a woman) you felt like there was no other way to have security. Quite possibly your fear of abandonment superseded your need to be treated with respect.
Whatever the deep programming is for you (and we all have it), coming into unconditional self-love and self-respect is always the answer.
When you truly love and respect yourself, you won’t stand for the things a narcissistic person says or does. It will be easier for you to spot the red flags and your total independence simply will not sacrifice itself for any of those things.
Your inner knowing that you are your own source of love, validation, approval and security means that no one can attempt to hold those things ransom from you – because they’re not the provider of those things in the first place!
When you embody self-love and self-respect, you become such a strong and powerful person, with the capacity to show full love and compassion for others.
Heal Your Deep Traumas
The final piece of the puzzle with expectations after dating a narcissist is that by being shown your deepest wounds, you can finally heal them. In my humble opinion, this is the most important thing you can do, which will change the trajectory of your life forever.
Meeting your inner wounds and traumas and then releasing them out of your body will bring you back to your authentic self, which is who you were always meant to be!
The greatest gift that comes from narcissistic abuse is having every single trigger within you pointed out with a big giant spotlight. That’s what narcissists do because they intentionally want to trigger your weakest spots. It’s your intense emotionally charged reactions that grant them amazing life force energy (narcissistic supply).
Whenever you are highly triggered by a narcissist (whether it be in the now, or as a memory from the past), you know you’ve hit a wound that needs to be met and shifted out of your body.
The only way that I’ve successfully found to do this and clear my anxiety, C-PTSD and fear of the narcissist is to align with my personal truth via metaphysical healing (such as the healing sessions below).
I cannot recommend this spiritual process if you’re ready to walk your healing journey and raise yourself to a vibration where narcissists simply cannot exist.
Energetic Healing from
Narcissistic Abuse
If you’ve tried everything to heal but still can’t shift things, it might be time to call in the spiritual realm.
✭ Removal of stuck energy
✭ Removal of old traumas & memories
✭ Past Life Regression
✭ Understanding your journey & how it’s shaped you
✭ Loving & non-judgemental guidance
✭ Psychic mediumship
✭ Ask your guides questions & get direct answers
10% OFF Code ‘UNMASK‘
www.selenahill.com →
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