Dealing with the ups and downs of a narcissist is no easy feat.
But then to throw in the feeling of being discarded (even if you were the one to walk away) and being almost instantly switched out for the narcissist’s new supply. The trauma that can come up with this issue is deep!
But through all of the pain, my hope is that you will eventually see how the narcissist’s new supply is indeed the best thing that can happen to you!
With their eyes fixated on a new, shiny toy, you’re less likely to endure hoovering, plus it brings up the chance for the much-needed healing within yourself.
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The Narcissist’s New Supply – My Story
Breaking Up with the Narcissist
Here I am, just a few months out of a 20-year-long narcissistic relationship and the ex has already replaced me with a younger version. In this case, since I was the one to leave him (and I guess he never expected that I would), he was nothing short of a monster during and after the break-up.
He would regularly back me into conversational corners and want to continuously know why I left. My reply was always the same, “I don’t love you anymore.”
It was most definitely the truth and I had to be blunt with him because he was just not hearing me.
It’s like he was trying to trap me into confessing that it was because of the things he’d said or done. And if I did, then he’d have something to work with – things that he could manipulate and twist back onto me and gaslight me with.
I wish I could have been more honest and said…
- “I’m sick of being sworn at and verbally abused.”
- “I’m sick of the rages and anger outbursts that completely shut me down and make me want to crawl into a hole and evaporate.”
- “I’m sick of walking on eggshells and seeing the kids stop talking when you walk into the room because they don’t feel safe to be themselves.”
- “I’m sick of being with someone who I am not proud of and hope to God that people don’t judge me based on your behaviour.”
- “I’m sick of defending your behaviour and rationalising things to myself, just to try and make my world okay.”
But I couldn’t say any of those things. I knew it wasn’t safe to do so. He’d just twist everything back onto me before I could blink and then I’d be back in the spiral.
While I didn’t 100% know that he was a narcissist when I broke up with him, I had some pretty heavy suspicions.
I was fully aware by this point that my mother was also a narcissist, so I could recognise many of the same feelings within me, but both my ex and my mother are very different.
I now know that it’s because she’s a grandiose narcissist, while he’s a covert narcissist. Very similar, yet very different styles of abuse and manipulation.
| READ: 50 Things Narc Mums Say → |
GRANDIOSE NARCISSIST
This type of narcissist is arrogant, confident and has an over-inflated sense of self. They are unapologetic with their manipulative behaviour.
COVERT NARCISSIST
The covert narcissist is much more sensitive and passive aggressive with their manipulations. They appear more shy but very much have an exaggerated idea of self-importance underneath.
It wasn’t until I left and was in my own place that I had the time, energy and headspace to fully sink myself into researching narcissism.
I was utterly devastated to fully realise that I had just given two decades of my life to a narc, who absolutely did not deserve it. But I was as equally relieved to finally be able to make sense of the rollercoaster of a relationship.
Finally, I was getting the clarity on why I’d always felt so lonely and ashamed of what went on behind closed doors.
So many people did not see the break-up coming because I never told anyone about anything. People only ever saw the masked versions of both of us. Each protecting ourselves in our own way.
Post-break-up with a narc is a heavily traumatic time. What I experienced from a discarded covert narcissist was the biggest pity party on earth, tainted with pure contempt and anger.
There was him coming over to collect the kids and hanging around for two hours as though nothing had changed. There were the tears rolling down his face, mixed with malice as he victimised himself and played on my empathy and compassion, only to use it all against me.
There were messages and emails asking for sex, with threats and accusations when I refused…
- “You owe it to me!”
- “It’s the least you could do!”
- “Well, I just don’t know how I can show up for the kids if you can’t even do this for me.”
- “You know how much I need it. I’ve had it available for all these years and now you expect me to just go without?”
- “I tried to hook up with someone else, but I couldn’t because it wasn’t you.”
The twisted mind games just went on and on.
I remember sitting on the couch each day when the kids were at school, crying and binge-watching Dr. Ramani (a psychologist narcissism expert) on YouTube. Her channel was such a blessing at the time, as I needed to make some type of sense of my world.
I finally had the understanding and validation I needed to admit to myself that the whole damn thing had been one big abusive relationship. That was something I was never able to face within myself until that moment, because I knew it would change everything. I finally had to take responsibility for my part in it all.
Only then was I able to actually admit that knowledge to a few close friends, who were shocked, but supported me all the way.
Enter the Narcissist’s New Supply
Within a few months, along came the narcissist’s new supply.
I think if he were a grandiose narcissist it probably would have happened sooner, but being a covert, he lacked the charm and confidence needed for that.
When I first heard the news, call me strange, but I was actually overjoyed. Finally he would leave me the hell alone and move his attention to someone else.
And it did work that way, but alas, there were other triggers that popped up, which I hadn’t fully anticipated.
Will the new supply get a better version than I did?
The reality is, it’s going to seem like the narcissist’s new supply is getting a better version of the narc than you ever did.
Why? Because the narcissist has learnt many things from you and will use all of that data on the next person.
They will know all of the things you wanted and hoped for and they will deliver those things to the next person in the Love Bombing phase, to hook that person in. After all, if you wanted those things, why wouldn’t the other person want them as well?
Along with that, they will be studying the new supply to see what their hopes, dreams, desires and triggers are. So, as well as giving them what you wanted, they’ll also be giving the new supply what they want, so as to hook them in.
On top of that, the narcissist wants to appear successful, attractive, happy and unperturbed in their new life without you. It inflates their ego, gives them validation and controls the public story that you’re the unhinged, sad one, while they’re good without you. In fact, their life is better without you.
Making you jealous is something they really get off on, because it means they still have control over you.
I clearly remember my ex looking at me with pity once he had a new supply. It was as though he was saying, “see, you could have had all this, but you chose to leave. I’m actually the successful one, not you.”
I wanted to vomit.
So really, the narcissist’s new supply is in fact getting a more cunning version of the narc. They’re going to be even better at hiding things, even more masterful and even more manipulative.
Consider yourself lucky for (eventually) dodging the bullet!
What if my kids like the new supply better than me?
If you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex who you share kids with, then this is a huge trigger!
You’ve been switched out in the family with another supply, who is literally your walk-in replacement. Of course you’re going to feel sick at the thought of some other man or woman playing happy families with your kids.
What if they’re more fun than you? What if they’re super interactive with your kids and the kids don’t want to come home to boring old Mum/ Dad?
The reality for me in that situation was that my ex was love bombing his new supply at the same time as having his weekends with the kids. So, of course they went to expensive restaurants, theme parks, the beach… the kids were having a ball!
Even to the point where the ex made a dig about me to the kids about not doing all of this fun stuff with them. You know, just a garden-variety narcissistic devaluation of me in front of the kids – a reinforcement that he’s ‘better’ than me.
It was heartbreaking.
After arriving at my sister’s house in tears one day, I was able to hear the advice that I needed the most at that moment.
“Honey, you are the parent in your kids’ life who is stable and emotionally available. They might be ‘fun’ for a while, but the kids know they can’t fully be themselves over there. All of the fun will come to an end and his true self will shine back through soon enough.”
You have to be the emotional rock of two parents in one for your kids. You have to pick up the emotional pieces when the kids come home and let them know that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling without judgement. That is how you give your kids the absolute best shot at life.
No narcissist’s new supply can ever replace you or give your kids full emotional stability – especially when they’re with a narcissist.
Why wasn’t I good enough?
The fact is, you were always too good for the narcissist. If you weren’t a kind, empathetic person to begin with, the narcissist wouldn’t have chosen you.
But by the end, they had depleted your soul so much that you had nothing left to give. That is why you were finally able to leave the narcissist or they discarded you.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that the narcissist’s new supply is better than you, they are simply a new, fresh, compliant source of energy.
The healthiest thing you can do is to go No Contact (or Low Contact if you have kids with them) and ditch them on social media. Even when you’re feeling good, a simple photo of the narcissist with their attractive new supply will be enough to throw you down into the depths of hell (trauma) in an instant.
| READ: Does the Narc Miss Me? → |
While others may believe their false facade, you know better. You’ve seen through the lies and you need to protect yourself.
With a narcissist, nothing is ever enough. They could win a million dollars, have a gorgeous partner and their dream job, but still, it would not be enough.
They are an empty void that cannot be filled. Thank god you’re not the one being sucked into that void anymore. You’re the lucky one!
The Healing Journey
Although working through these triggers was horrendous, with the gift of hindsight I’m actually glad that they did arise.
You see, working through each trauma point within you is part of the healing process. It’s the essential journey to truly finding yourself. It’s how you step back into your own power and find your own golden self-worth within.
Because, as the narcissist has shown you, your sense of worth and value cannot be found anywhere outside of yourself. And once you own your power, self-worth and confidence, not a damn soul can ever take it away from you again! Not a parent, a lover, a child, a friend or a co-worker.
Self-worth can only be found within. It cannot be found in the external world or in someone else. Your self-worth is not for sale – it can only be owned by you!
Journaling is a really great way to get some of the heavy thoughts and emotions out of your head and to have them land somewhere. If you find yourself staring at a blank page, not knowing what to write, try some of these journaling prompts.
I also highly recommend meditation as a way of settling the mind and reconnecting with your higher self. If you can’t focus on your own meditation, do a guided one.
Once you make it to the other side of your healing journey, you will be a greater version of yourself and will have the ability to attract a partner who is on that same frequency.
You can’t skip the process of healing yourself, otherwise you’ll likely end up back in another toxic relationship with someone else who’s incapable of unconditional love.
There is no expiration date on healing.
Memory Journal
Release the painful memories of the narcissist once and for all!
- Journal recurring thoughts
- Sort through what’s yours vs. theirs
- Identify your inner wounds to heal
- Pass the narcissist’s disowned wounding back to them
- Step-by-step guidance
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