How Narcissists Destroy Empaths – Ending the Toxic Cycle

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The empath and the narcissist have been a toxic fairytale for eons. Here, we cover how narcissists destroy empaths… that is until empaths learn that they can flip the script.

As more and more empaths become aware of who they are and rise to take their power back, the narcissist is forced to move on or look at their own behaviour (which we all know isn’t going to happen).

Here, I share my own story of how narcissists destroy empaths and how I have managed to emerge on the other side.

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How the Narcissists Destroyed the Empath – My Own Tale of Destruction

Falling into the Arms of a Narcissist

As with most 22-year-olds, I was looking for love. But not just love, I was craving a connection with someone who truly saw me… the real me.

I’d always felt so different inside and had really struggled growing up. People didn’t get me.

To be honest, I knew that I saw the world differently from others and I knew that I was sensitive, but I guess I just thought that everyone felt what I felt. I trusted that everyone ultimately felt kindness and compassion for others.

I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, because I wanted to see the best in others.

Then I met this guy who was shy and quiet, but who would listen to me for hours and hours. For the first time in my life, I felt like someone was really listening to me. He understood me.

Or so it seemed.

I look back, armed with the knowledge that I have now and can see that indeed he was listening intently. Not because he genuinely cared about me, but because he was studying me.

He was literally collecting my data.

> What made me tick?

> What were my deepest fears?

> What were my greatest desires?

> What were my weaknesses?

All of this data collection would eventually be used against me.

Being a misunderstood empath who was finally having the space to speak and express freely, I completely poured my heart out to this guy. I want to say ‘man,’ but in fact, he was just a boy.

Even at the time, I thought it was a little weird that I always did most of the talking. I figured he was just shy.

Of course, he was ‘shy’ – he was a covert narcissist. He lacked the confidence and charm that a grandiose narcissist exudes, but made up for it by being (seemingly) present.

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Being ‘Love Bombed’ by the Narcissist

There were no fancy dinners or expensive gifts with this covert narcissist. The love bombing phase was all about time and attention.

We spent days on end talking and having sex, followed by more talking. He would often go in late to work, or just not show up at all.

When we wasn’t with me, he’d be texting me or calling me for more long conversations.

It was intoxicating.

That alone should have been a red flag, but as an empath I was too wrapped in feeling seen, heard and wanted for the first time in my life, to see anything but glitter.

I also look back and see the signs of sheer laziness that he oozed (ditching work without taking any responsibility), but really… who cares about that when you’re 22 and falling head over heels, right?

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The Path that Lead to the Narcissist

To understand how it is that I fell straight into the arms of a narcissist, we need to take a step back into my childhood.

You see, for me, the empath and the narcissist dynamic started long before this guy came along. It started the very day I was born. Or maybe even the day I was conceived, depending on how you view it.

I always knew that my mother was a stern woman. I only had to look around at other mothers to see how strict my own was.

I remember as an eleven-year-old saying to my friend at school that my Mum was a bitch. She was so shocked, “Victoria, you can’t say that!” Then in crept shame. I knew that I shouldn’t speak that way about my mother, even though it was how I truly felt.

By the time I got to high school, I just felt sad all the time. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Everyone else seemed to be doing okay and coping with life. So, why wasn’t I?

When I was around fourteen, I remember reading an article in a teen magazine about depression. It was as though the entire article had been written to describe me. I just knew that that was what was wrong with me.

Recognising that I was battling with depression and anxiety shook my entire world. I felt like I’d been put together wrong and just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Being the 1990s, depression was still very much a taboo topic that was swept under the carpet. So, armed with this insight about myself… I told no one. I was deeply ashamed that there was something drastically wrong with me. I think I eventually confided in one friend, who was so supportive. But really, she didn’t know what to do about it either, even though she could recognise the deep sadness within me.

I had no connection with my mother who was always berating me for something. I was never good enough, I never did things right, I was too sensitive, too alternative and not at all the daughter she thought she’d have.

READ: Messed Up Things Narc Mothers Say →

I used to think to myself, “she might love me because she has to, but she certainly doesn’t like me.”

My Dad was absent. He’d checked out and focussed on his career because Mum’s emotions were too much to handle. So, my siblings and I were completely abandoned and left to be raised by her.

READ: Why do Fathers Enable Narcissistic Mothers? →

Years later I was to discover that my Mum is a grandiose narcissist and I was the scapegoat. My older sibling was always the golden child, which was even obvious to outsiders of the family. My younger sibling (also an empath) became the scapegoat once I left, but very much copped it throughout childhood as well.

I had no idea I was an empath until around ten years ago, but knowing it now explains so much.

All of those traits above perfectly demonstrate just how narcissists destroy empaths, which is all the more devastating when the empath is just a child.

My mother was an entirely self-involved woman who ignored the fact that there was something really deep going on with me.

I’d get regular eye-rolls and “it’s just a phase,” even though this depression went on right into my 20’s.

Even when I confessed that truth to her one day, she denied having any idea about it and was genuinely shocked. I was gobsmacked that she could miss that I was so mentally unwell for my entire teenage years when the signs were crystal clear.

But you see, if she was to acknowledge that there was something wrong with me, then she might have to actually take a look at herself. And as we well know, narcissists despise having to truly look at themselves.

So, back to the super attentive guy that I met at age 22, who was showering me with the attention I’d been craving my whole life.

He quickly learned that love and affection was what I wanted, which is what he used to hook me in.

Yet those are the very two things that he withheld from me for the following twenty years to come.

It’s easy to see how his making me really feel seen, heard and valued was so alluring for me.

But it didn’t last. Looking back, I can see how it didn’t take long for him to start dismissing me once I was hooked. I was so used to the ‘push and pull’ feeling in a relationship, that although it didn’t feel good, it was familiar.

I even remember thinking within the first year, “It’s either this or go back to my mother.” So, even early on in the relationship, I was aware that things weren’t great.

And yet, I stayed. I even ended up marrying the man and having a bunch of kids with him.

Oftentimes, ‘familiar and awful’ is less scary than the unknown – even though the unknown has the potential for pure happiness.

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Falling Out of Love with the Narcissist

Falling out of love with the narcissist was not an exact moment in time, it was a progression. A chipping away at what I thought once was, but really never even existed at all.

Every single time he lost his shit and flipped into a narcissistic rage, I would look at him and think, “Why am I with this man?”

I was well aware that I didn’t love him, yet I had such an unhealthy belief that this was as good as it was going to get for me in this lifetime. This is how narcissists destroy empaths, which was part of my mother’s early programming.

I’d totally lost hope that there was a possibility for me to find true happiness.

Yet, for a while, I hung on to the hope that my husband might change. He might become more loving and caring. He might be more helpful around the house.

But by the end, I actually didn’t even want him to become more loving. The thought of him hugging me or being physically attentive actually repulsed me. It made me so sad to think, “Is this really the only man I get to be intimate with for the rest of my life?”

I couldn’t have been any less attracted to him, nor was I proud to have him on my arm.

I wasn’t there out of love, I was there because I felt there was nothing else for me.

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The Trauma Bond

A trauma bond with a narcissist is created when over time they continuously cycle through a pattern. It starts by withholding from you (i.e. punishing you), then eventually rewarding you for complying with whatever the behaviour is that they want or expect.

Basically, the abuser takes something away, which leaves the victim feeling lost, sad or empty. Then when the abuser gives it back (even if it’s just a small breadcrumb), the victim is so relieved, that all is forgiven and the victim welcomes the abuser back in.

Over time, the victim is just happy enough to receive a small breadcrumb of relief. That feeling of ‘relief’ is actually ridiculously similar to the feeling of ‘love,’ which is why is often mistaken as such.

So, while the ‘low’ moments get lower, the ‘high’ moments also get lower as well. In other words, not as much is needed to hoover you back into their web.

READ: Common ‘Hoover’ Tactics →

Suffering Abuse Amnesia

In those moments when things were bad… they were really bad.

So, it’s almost as if, during the times when things weren’t completely fucking crazy, I was just content enough to not be on the rollercoaster.

I forgot about the gaslighting, I forgot about the angry rages, I forgot about the complete shutdown that I would go into. It was total amnesia of the abuse.

READ: How a Narc Gaslights →

Plus, in some crazy way, the familiarity of having known this person so well and him knowing me so well, created some kind of unspoken loyalty.

I know how mental that sounds. I felt loyal to someone who abused me and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Because ultimately, as an empath, you feel the pain of others, so you don’t ever want to be the one to inflict it. And in comes the pattern of always putting others first, even if it’s at your own expense.

In the narcissist’s world, you are not important – they are the only ones who are important.

READ: 7 Stages of Narcissist Trauma Bonding →

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Leaving the Narcissist

They say the average length of time people endure a relationship with a covert narcissist is around fifteen years. I believe it can be lower for other styles of narcissism because they can be more obvious.

Well, I did twenty. It actually makes me sick to think I gave that man twenty of the best years of my life when he did not deserve it.

But, I was in a karmic cycle and I had to break free of it myself to fully learn the lesson. It was no easy lesson to learn!

What is the lesson the empath must learn from the narcissist?

I realised one day, as I was dropping the kids off to the narcissist ex, that he was still automatically plugging into me energetically and filling up his tank (so to speak).

I was at the point where I was so done with his games that low contact was the only way forward for me.

READ: Leaving a Covert Narc →

So, on that particular day when I dropped them off, I was in and out like a lightning bolt. I did not want to give him the time or opportunity to pull me into conversation, so I avoided all eye contact.

Interestingly, as I drove off, I felt guilty as hell!

Upon examination I realised that as an empath, I’m primed to automatically be open and as a narcissist he’s primed to automatically feed.

I had cut his supply and he didn’t like it. I could feel his ‘victim’ energy instantly when I did not give anything to him.

The guilt that I was feeling was him trying to pull me in energetically. It was as though he was saying, “How dare you have access to all that energy and give me nothing!”

How Narcissists Destroy Empaths & How to Heal

How narcissists destroy empaths is by hooking them into their web so that they can have unlimited access to their life force energy.

In order to accomplish that, the narcissist must crush the empath’s self-worth and independence, so that they become completely reliant on the narcissist, making it harder for the empath to escape.

The narcissist’s true gift to the empath, should you be willing to accept, is in learning how to fully own your energy and heal your deepest wounds without looking outside of yourself.

Empaths are conscious beings with direct energetic access to the divine, which means direct access to life force energy. Narcissists have no access to that divine energy and must steal it from others in order to psychologically survive.

When the narcissist was young, something happened that caused them to subconsciously sever the connection with their own True Self. From that moment on, all they were left with was their ego, a completely False Self. As the False Self cannot access divine energy without having the True Self intact, the narcissist effectively cut off their own life force supply.

So, the narcissist is left as a drug addict, constantly seeking out their next hit of supply (attention), which they gain by stealing and manipulating others.

Throughout the process of being enmeshed with a narcissist, your deepest inner wounds have had the spotlight pointed at them with each and every attack from the narcissist.

Fortunately, there is a gift available for all empaths who have gone through the soul-destroying experience of being with a narcissist.

The empath has now been shown, courtesy of the narcissist’s abuse, all of their deepest, darkest wounds and traumas. Now, it’s time to take all of the energy back from the narcissist and focus on healing those wounds on a deep soul level.

Without the presence of all of those wounds and triggers, no narcissist will ever have anything to work with in the future. Your healing effectively renders every single narcissist on the planet powerless.

However, life for the narcissist is forever doomed to one of deep self-hatred and a life dedicated to hunting supply. That’s literally it for them. It does not matter how good their outside world appears, it will never be enough and any form of supply is only a very temporary reprieve from their inner selves, who they absolutely despise.

Your karma is having the opportunity to grow and blossom into a beauty beyond your wildest dreams.

Their karma is never ever being able to experience peace, love, happiness or contentment in any form.

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