Chances are, if you’ve found your way here, you’ve experienced a relationship with a narcissist. In the beginning, you would have been none the wiser as to who they really were underneath their false mask.
You may have been drawn in by how much you had in common with each other or by their charm, attentiveness and confidence.
Or, maybe you’ve got a boss, co-worker, friend or family member, who’s always been self-centred and difficult to deal with.
Fast forward to today where you now realise you were (and maybe still are) dealing with a manipulative person who was only ever invested in themselves and what they could extract from you.
But, surely they respected you in the beginning, right? Unfortunately ‘respect’ and ‘narcissist’ are two words that do not pair up with each other in the same sentence.
You may be wondering how to make a narcissist respect you from this point forward if you still have to deal with them in some way.
There are a range of ways you can get a narcissist to respect you, however, it’s important to understand that it won’t ever be authentic respect as they are an inauthentic self.
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Narcissists and Supply
To understand how to make a narcissist respect you, it’s important to understand their pathological need for supply.
Narcissistic supply is anything that grants the narcissist attention, which in turn feeds their ego that can never be satiated.
Supply can come in the form of negative or positive attention, it really doesn’t matter to the narcissist. It all provides them with the validation that they truly do exist and that they are superior and important.
Narcissistic supply can come in two forms – primary supply and secondary supply.
Primary Narcissistic Supply
- Admiration and compliments
- Arguments and drama
- Playing the victim
- Fame and infamy
- Being in control
- Sex
Primary supply is all about attention, which can be both positive or negative attention. It doesn’t matter because both will grant them energy.
This type of supply typically comes from those who are closest to the narcissist, such as partners, kids and close friends.
Primary supply is the best type for a narcissist, which is why they always like to have at least one solid primary supply locked in place.
Secondary Narcissistic Supply
- Having the ‘perfect’ relationship/ family
- Appearing successful in all areas of life
- Financial security
- Having the ‘best’ material items
- Living in the ‘best’ neighbourhood
Secondary supply is extracted via appearances. This is all about the image that the narcissist displays to the world and how they look to others.
When it comes to secondary supply, only positive appearances will feed them supply, which is why they’re so fixated on projecting a positive, successful, charming mask to the world.
They don’t care about truth, as long as things look good on the surface, that’s all that matters.
If a narcissist is ever portrayed in a negative light, they will fly into a rage and set out to punish whoever made them look bad.
| READ: More on Narcissistic Supply → |
Why Do Narcissists Need Supply?
Narcissistic supply is more than just attention, it’s life force energy.
As a result of emotional, physical and/ or developmental trauma as a child, the narcissist unconsciously cut off access to their own life force energy.
You see, due to their trauma, the narcissist was left with deep feelings of self-loathing, unworthiness, rejection and abandonment. Simply put, they did not want to feel their own wounding, so they amputated the aspect of themselves, which was responsible for making them feel those things – their True Self.
Now, without their True Self, they have no access to the divine source of all that is (life force). So instead, they’ve placed their ego as their God, with nothing else sitting higher than themselves.
Given that the narcissist’s ego is now their master, they can only ever been in service to self because they believe that they are the most important and superior being.
The biggest problem with this strategy is that the ego is actually nothing. It doesn’t have a body and it can never truly exist without being constantly fed and inflated.
So, for the narcissist’s ego to remain real and in control, it has created a False Self. This is the fake facade, which the narcissist is on a constant treadmill of projecting and holding in place.
For the False Self to remain ‘real’ to the narcissist, it needs constant validation (attention) from the outside world that it truly does exist.
The narcissist’s ego dictates that it is a superior God, above all others. Therefore, the narcissist doesn’t believe that any rules apply to them and that they are entitled to whatever they want, purely for existing.
The ego must protect the narcissist from the truth at all costs – that they really are a flawed human being, just like everybody else. Otherwise, the ego will fall and the narcissist will be left to sink back into their inner black hole of self-disgust, unworthiness and rejection.
What has been created through this whole process is someone who has an empty dark void inside, which can never be filled.
The only way for the narcissist to temporarily alleviate the inner pain of who they truly are (and refuse to acknowledge) is by extracting life force energy from other whole beings. They are a drug addict, with narcissistic supply being their drug.
How to Make a Narcissist Respect You
When looking at how to make a narcissist respect you, there are a couple of different strategies you can utilise. However, let’s just hone in on the fact that I use the term ‘respect’ rather loosely in the same sentence as ‘narcissist.’
Narcissists historically do not respect anyone but themselves (sometimes).
The narcissist does not have a conscience, meaning that they don’t have the capacity to experience empathy, compassion, kindness or love.
In addition to lacking a conscience, the way that they view others is different to how you and I see other people. To them, people are no more than objects to be used for resources, sex, money, energy and to boost their appearance.
How can someone who views living, breathing humans in such a detached manner actually have any true respect for them? The truth is, they can’t.
The closest thing you’ll get to respect from a narcissist is the absence of a lack of respect.
In other words, if a narcissist ‘respects’ you, they’ll hold back on the belittling, gaslighting, manipulation and punishments. In fact, they may even try to suck up to you if they see that you’ve got something they deem of value.
So, if that’s the type of respect you want from a narcissist, read on to find out how you can go about achieving that.
Remain Aloof
Narcissists are all about zeroing in on possible sources of supply and lulling them into a false sense of safety, trust and acceptance with their love-bombing tactics.
Once they’ve pulled you into their orbit, they’ll then proceed to study you so that they can collect as much data on you as possible. What they need to do is get to know all of your insecurities and weaknesses so that they can use those very things to control you in the future.
If they deem you as a valuable source of supply who can be manipulated with their coercive tactics, they’ll aim to keep you trapped in their web. They need to keep people around who will go along with their agenda without question to keep their false reality ‘real.’
Even though the narcissist wants to control you and be able to manipulate you, they won’t actually respect you for it. To them, you are just a prop for them to use and abuse as they see fit.
How to make a narcissist respect you is to keep yourself separate from them and remain aloof towards them. They will respect that you aren’t so easy to intimidate and control.
| READ: When a Narc Loses Control! → |
Hold Yourself with Confidence
Narcissists don’t respect people who they can control, manipulate and suck the life out of. To them, those people are no different to an energy drink, which they will consume, tossing the empty vessel into the trash.
However, people who hold themselves with confidence and self-assurance are much more respected by a narcissist.
Grandiose narcissists are very confident as they are driven by superiority, entitlement and the idea of being a specimen of perfection. These extroverted narcissists love to rub shoulders with confident people, as it boosts their appearance and therefore feeds them supply.
It’s as if the grandiose narcissist is saying to the world, “Look who I’m hanging out with! It’s because I’m so great.”
Covert narcissists have such low self-worth that they lack the confidence to be go-getters in life. Rather than rising to a higher level, they choose to pull everyone close to them down to their level through devaluation, shame and passive aggression.
Because confidence is something that the covert narcissist is so desperately jealous of, they will respect (and resent) those who ooze natural confidence.
How to make a narcissist respect you is to be totally confident in yourself!
Retain Your Sovereignty
The whole workings of a narcissistic relationship (of any type) is where the narcissist sits above you and controls you for you to hand over your life force energy to them.
As the narcissistic relationship progresses, they will subtly get you to hand your power over to them without you even seeing it unfold.
They may do this by criticising the way you do things, so that you unconsciously stop doing them, making you reliant on the narcissist to do them for you.
Or they’ll somehow manage to be the one earning the money while keeping you financially dependent on them and unable to leave.
Another tactic is to constantly pick at your friends and family to the point where you just stop seeing them so much. You find yourself in a place where you don’t want to deal with the narcissist’s belittling and judgements of them, so you just avoid the situation altogether.
How to make a narcissist respect you is to retain your sovereignty and independence on all levels. If the narcissist can’t control you financially or mentally, they will respect you for your self-reliance.
Narcissists need you to need them in order to feel important and to be able to control you. The trick is to not need them for a damn thing.
Don’t Always Be Available
Narcissists expect their subjects to be available at their beck and call. Remember, they are the centre of the universe, meaning that you are there to serve them.
But narcissists don’t respect their sources of supply. They are merely there to fulfil a role for the narcissist and that is all.
How to get a narcissist to respect you is to make sure you’re regularly unavailable to them. If they phone you, return the call at a later date when it suits you. If they send you a message, leave it unread until you’re ready to respond. When the narcissist invites you out, be a busy, independent person with other plans much of the time.
This will show the narcissist that you’re not another one of their minions who they can push around as they like.
Be Someone of Value
For narcissists to receive secondary narcissistic supply, they need to uphold a positive and successful image to the world around them.
They want people to be jealous of them. They love nothing more than fantasising about others thinking that they’re absolutely amazing or gossiping about how successful they are.
The narcissist couldn’t care less if the whole facade is completely fabricated. They are a False Self, meaning that nothing about them is real. It’s all an inversion of truth and an illusion of the ego.
A big way for narcissists to achieve this mirage of brilliance and success is to surround themselves with people who they see as valuable.
These could include people in positions of authority or power, people of influence, people of a certain status or financial standing and so on.
The narcissist will receive supply by being associated with successful, powerful and famous people. They’ll be able to brag to their friends and family about the connection, making them feel extremely worthy, important and superior.
A person of value to a narcissist could even be the most respected friend in a friendship group or the most popular person at work. The narcissist will get supply from that valuable person through gaining attention from them or being a part of their crew.
How to make a narcissist respect you is to be someone who they see as valuable in some way and by keeping a healthy distance from them.
Have Respect for Yourself
Being treated with respect actually starts with yourself. We teach other people how to treat us based on what behaviour we will and won’t accept in our lives.
The narcissist is never truly going to respect you because they are a conscienceless person with no empathy or compassion. They don’t care about you, you’re simply a tool for them to gain attention and resources.
But that doesn’t mean that you have to accept disrespectful behaviour. When you have a high level of respect for yourself, you won’t tolerate being treated any other way by other people.
If you want a narcissist to treat you respectfully, you need to not accept anything less.
Set Boundaries
In order to be treated with any kind of respect from a narcissist, it’s imperative to set some boundaries.
If you don’t train the narcissist how to treat you, they’ll continue to devalue, gaslight, manipulate and punish, all to control your behaviour and emotions.
The process of setting boundaries starts by getting clear within yourself as to what words and actions are deal breakers for you.
Then, when the narcissist crosses any of those boundaries (and they will), you need to vocalise that you won’t put up with being treated/ spoken to that way.
It’s important to also give them a consequence for their action if they continue.
Boundary Consequence Examples:
- “I’m going to hang up the phone if you continue to talk over top of me when I speak.”
- “I will walk away if you continue to put me down and swear at me.”
- “I’m not here to be your personal slave. If you keep ordering me around, I will no longer offer to help you out.”
Get ready to be hit with major resistance when you set a boundary with a narcissist.
They’ll completely deny the behaviour that you’re calling them out on. They will invalidate you and attempt to make you feel crazy or ‘too sensitive.’ They might even fly into a rage or punish you with stonewalling and silent treatment.
All tactics are further evidence of the narcissist being disrespectful and manipulative.
The most important step with setting boundaries with a narcissist is that you must follow through with the consequences every single time. They will test you to see if they can railroad your boundaries and get you back under their control.
Just remember to stay strong and hold the line. Think of it like training a pet, it takes multiple attempts for them to actually get it and know that you mean business.
How to get a narcissist to respect you is to set your personal boundaries and not lower them for anyone (let alone a narc!).
Be Your Own Source
The one true way that a narcissist can control another human being is by pretending to be their source of whatever it is that they’re looking for.
During the love bombing phase, the narcissist will study their prey with the utmost attention. They want to find out where the person is lacking and what it is that they’re seeking.
Most people are searching for one or many of the same few things:
- Love
- Validation
- Security
- Survival
Once the narcissist has figured out what your gap is, they’ll offer to be that saviour for you.
If all you’ve ever wanted is to be seen and heard (validation), they will impersonate the most attentive partner you’ve ever experienced.
Maybe you’ve had a difficult upbringing filled with instability and scarcity (security and survival). The narcissist will profess to offer you a life of abundance, just like you’ve always yearned for.
A narcissist is a devil in disguise.
You’ll feel like you’ve found your soulmate and that finally things are falling into place for you.
However, once the narcissist has you emotionally hooked, they will withhold the very things that they promised to offer in the first place.
They’ll make you so financially dependent on them that you’re unable to ever leave. Or, they’ll withhold affection and communication from you, only to breadcrumb just enough to keep you there (trauma bonding).
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Over time, your self-worth will crumble and you’ll end up thinking that you’re lucky to have the narcissist at all, because obviously you don’t deserve anything better.
The depths that a narcissist can crush you, without you seeing a thing, is absolutely heartbreaking.
How to get a narcissist to respect you is to be your own source of love, validation, security and survival.
They will respect that they can’t control you because you are fully self-sufficient. They might not like it, but they may respect it on some level.
When you give yourself all of the things you need to live a fulfilling, abundant and happy life, there is absolutely nothing anyone else can offer you that will have you giving up your own personal boundaries.
To truly be your own source of all things, it’s imperative to keep working on your healing and removing the traumas as they appear. Narcissists locate those very traumas within you and use those against you as a weapon. Once there are no more deep wounds for a narcissist to target, there is nothing they can do to pull you down to their lower vibration.
Narcissists can never authentically respect anyone, since they lack the resources to genuinely value anybody beyond a superficial level.
The best way to respect yourself is to heal your traumas, which narcissists use to hurt and trigger you. Then you’re able to rise above the frequency in which narcissists are destined to live, hunt and prey.
Live from a place of self-love, authenticity and light, which are all repellents to the self-serving narcissist. Do not allow the deceptive energy of the narcissist into your world.
If you’re dealing with a narcissistic co-worker, boss or family member, reduce the amount of contact you have with them and hold firm to your boundaries and self-respect.
You do not have to tolerate disrespectful treatment from anyone, no matter who that person is.
| READ: Self-care After Narcissism → |
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NO CONTACT. I repeat: NO CONTACT. I speak with 75 yrs of experience. I was a surviver; now I am a THRIVER.
It really is the only way.