It’s heartbreakingly common how often narcissists will have affairs whether they’re married themselves, or engaging with someone else who’s married.
Narcissists lack the moral compass required to care about how their affairs destroy the lives of those around them. In fact, the affairs serve to further inflate their ego because they make them feel powerful and desirable.
Narcissists can be particularly charming and cunning, which both work in their favour when it comes to hooking in fresh prey to have an affair with.
Let’s look at the typical things narcissists will say to their affair partners to keep them there until they are finished with them.
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Reasons Narcissists Have Affairs
Narcissists can engage in affairs for various reasons, but it will always come back to their self-serving agenda. Here are some common reasons for narcissists having affairs.
- Validation: Narcissists often crave constant admiration and validation. Having an affair can provide them with an ego boost and reaffirm their attractiveness and desirability.
- Lack of empathy: They don’t care about the emotional impact of their actions on their partner. Their primary focus is always on fulfilling their own desires and needs.
- Entitlement: Narcissists often feel entitled to seek additional relationships outside their primary one, believing they deserve more than what one person can offer.
- Boredom or thrill-seeking: Some narcissists get easily bored or seek excitement and novelty. Affairs can provide a thrill or a sense of excitement that their primary relationship lacks.
- Avoiding intimacy or commitment: Commitment and emotional intimacy can be challenging for narcissists. Engaging in affairs allows them to avoid deep emotional connections and responsibilities.
- Control and power: For some narcissists, having multiple partners can be a way of exerting control and power over others, asserting their dominance or superiority.
- Insecurity and fear of abandonment: Paradoxically, despite their outward confidence, narcissists can be deeply insecure. They might engage in affairs as a way to hedge against the fear of being alone or abandoned.
- Narcissistic supply: The attention, admiration and emotional reactions they get from multiple partners serve as narcissistic supply, fulfilling their constant need for validation and attention.
Things You’ll Hear When Having an Affair with a Narcissist
“My marriage is on the rocks.”
The very first lie you’ll be told, when having an affair with a narcissist, is that their marriage is not good.
Immediately, this will pull at your heartstrings as they appear to be vulnerable with you by sharing all of their deepest hurts and worries.
Not only does this tactic get you to feel sorry for them, but it will also make you feel special that you’re the ‘chosen one’ who they feel comfortable enough to open up to.
| Manipulation Tactic: Blame Shifting The narcissist is blaming an ‘unhappy marriage’ for their behaviour, relinquishing all accountability. They’re also using your compassion to hook you in. |
“I’ve never cheated before.”
The narcissist will swear that they’ve never cheated before. They don’t want you to think they’re a cheater because they know you wouldn’t trust them if you knew the truth.
They need you to think that you are so special that these circumstances are the exception, not the rule.
They may even say things like, “This was meant to be,” or “Where were you 10 years ago?!”
This all works to enact the ‘soul mate’ manipulation of the love bombing phase. Statements like these make you feel like the stars have aligned to bring the two of you together and that you must be soul mates.
| Manipulation Tactic: Love Bombing The narcissist needs you to think that you’re so special, even the fact that they are married cannot keep the two of you apart. This is nothing but love bombing, which will start to set the trauma bond in place. |
| READ: 7 Trauma Bond Stages → |
“My partner won’t be intimate with me.”
To deflect the blame onto someone else for the narcissist having an affair, they’ll say that their partner is withholding intimacy from them.
They will be sure to play the ‘poor me’ card so that you feel sorry for them and give them all of the intimacy (i.e. sex and attention) that they desire.
The narcissist will say that their partner either has intimacy issues or is being cruel towards them. The idea is to make it look like there is no emotional connection with their partner at home… but with you the connection is amazing!
This is another tactic to make you feel extremely special to the narcissist.
| Manipulation Tactic: Blame Shifting The narcissist wants you to feel completely connected, which will keep you addicted to them. Saying that their partner is withholding intimacy will also make you want to give it to them even more so that they ‘choose’ you over them. |
“My wife has completely forgotten about me since the kids came along.”
Narcissistic men are particularly adept at blaming their partners for putting all of their energy into the kids and not giving them anything.
They’ll sell it to you as though the wife is cruel or uncaring towards the ‘poor narcissist’ who’s missing out.
This is where the narcissist will blame their partner and lay the guilt onto you for them not getting all of the attention at home. They don’t care about the fact that their partner is probably utterly exhausted and could do with some help. No, the narcissist is choosing to run off and have an affair instead.
| Manipulation Tactic: Blame Shifting & Guilt The narcissist will play the ‘poor me’ act and use your empathy against you. They’ll also blame their partner for not giving them enough attention, which is why they’ve been ‘forced’ to resort to having an affair. |
“I love you.”
When having an affair with a narcissist, you can expect them to say “I love you” pretty quickly. They know this is the key to your heart and will bond you to them even quicker.
Now, leaving the narcissist will be even more difficult because you will feel loyal to them. You may even feel as though you’ll never find this type of love from anyone else, so you continue to accept the breadcrumbs they are dishing out.
| Manipulation Tactic: Love Bombing The narcissist is using your intense feelings for them as a weapon to hold you in place. They know that hearing the words “I love you,” is what you want the most. |
“I promise I’ll leave my marriage.”
A trademark tactic when having an affair with a married narcissist is when they promise to leave their marriage for you.
This is the ultimate dangling of the carrot, which never seems to get any closer, no matter how much time passes.
The narcissist never has any intention of leaving their marriage, what they do want is to have their cake and eat it too. This means maintaining the image of being an upstanding citizen with a wife or husband, kids, house and career, plus having you on the side to play with.
Narcissists get to know your deepest desires very quickly in the early love-bombing phase, which is how they know what to entice you with. For them, this is all one big game that feeds their ego through power and adoration.
| Manipulation Tactic: Future Faking The narcissist will promise whatever they need to so that you remain firmly in place, feeding them attention (narcissistic supply). They have no intention of leaving their marriage, it just keeps you hanging on and makes them look like they’re doing the right thing in the meantime. |
“When …. happens, then I can leave them for you.”
Another false promise you can expect when having an affair with a married narcissist is when they set a guideline for them leaving their marriage.
Examples:
- “When the kids leave school/ move out of home… then I’ll leave the marriage.”
- “When my husband/ wife gets better… then I’ll leave.”
- “When I get that promotion… then I can leave them and buy a place with you.”
This is more future faking where the narcissist sets an impossible or far away goal post, knowing that it will never be reached. Meanwhile, they can appear to be making plans for a future together with you, which is enough to keep you there.
As with everything the narcissist does, this is a manipulation tactic so that they can keep using you for sex, excitement and to feed their ego.
| Manipulation Tactic: Future Faking The narcissist will set a distant target for when they will leave their current relationship and start making a life with you. This is enough to keep you hanging on, without them having to actually do anything. |
▶️ VIDEO: Affair with a Married Narcissist
Signs of Having an Affair with a Narcissist
Intense Love Bombing
A narcissist will put in maximum effort with not only the initial love bombing but even throughout the affair.
Think fancy dinners, flowers delivered to your work and the most passionate sex you’ve ever had in your life! They will be showering you in attention, making you feel like the most special person on the planet.
When having an affair with a narcissist, it’s very common for them to drop the ‘L’ word extremely quickly. Or, at the very least, make you feel like you’re soul mates who are meant to be together forever.
The narcissist will hook you and become addicted to them very quickly.
| READ: 4 Stages of Narc Abuse → |
They Play the Victim Card
The next common tactic used when having an affair with a narcissist is that they will play the ‘poor me’ card. There will be some aspect of their lives that they will enhance or lie about whereby they are portrayed as the victim.
This particular tactic is designed to tap into your empathy and get you on their side with them. By pulling at your heartstrings, they are effectively using your compassion against you, however, it’s too early for you to know that yet.
If someone hooks you in via feeling sorry for them, it’s purely a manipulation tactic. They want you to feel like they’re being super vulnerable with you, which increases trust and intimacy.
They are Hot & Cold with You
Having an affair with a narcissist is a rollercoaster ride of intense passion and gripping anxiety.
A typical narcissistic trait is to give you attention, then go cold on you to keep you in a perpetual state of anxiety, waiting for their reprieve.
You might spend three days straight with the narcissist, then not hear from them for two weeks. They bounce in and out of your world as they please and leave you feeling on tenterhooks waiting for the next time they text or come over.
This push-pull treatment works to instil the trauma bond of intermittent punishments and rewards, which keeps you attached and loyal to them.
The ‘punishment’ might be them going silent on you, with the ‘reward’ being that they send a text, acting as though nothing has even happened. You feel so relieved to have heard from them, that your anxiety is alleviated, keeping you addicted to needing the narcissist in your life.
False Promises & Isolation
One of the telltale signs that you’re having an affair with a narcissist is the false promises they’ll make. Whether it be, “I promise I’ll leave my husband,” to “I’m going to whisk you away to Paris.”
If the person never seems to follow through on their promises, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Especially if they flip into a rage or shift the blame back onto you or someone else if you broach the issue with them.
Along with the fake promises is the isolation you’ll feel while having an affair with a narcissist.
Examples of isolation:
- They have your phone number, but you’re not allowed theirs just in case their partner finds it
- They’ll tell you to keep the affair a secret
- They won’t meet any of your friends
- They won’t tell you were they live
- The times they come to see you are completely random, making you want to be available for them at all times
- They won’t go out in public with you
Healing from a Narcissist Affair
If you’re thinking about ending the affair with the narcissist or have already gotten out, there are some things you’ll need to prioritise in order to heal yourself. It’s not an easy process, so give yourself all of the time and self-love you need.
Understand What You’re Dealing With
Once you get to the other side of any narcissistic relationship, there will always be a period of shock. This is where you start to see who and what you were really dealing with, rather than the false illusion that was sold to you by the narcissist.
Understanding how people with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) operate will be essential in understanding how they could do what they’ve done.
Some cold hard narcissistic truths:
- Yes, they do know what they’re doing
- No, they don’t care how their behaviour has affected you or their current partner
- Narcissists are predatory by nature
- Their sole purpose is to use people for whatever it is that they want (money, sex, adoration etc.)
- They do not have the capacity to feel guilty or remorseful about how they’ve treated you
Cut All Contact
The best thing you can do now is to go completely No Contact with the narcissist. This means blocking them on all accounts and removing them from your life in any way you can.
You cannot heal in the environment in which you were hurt.
If the narcissist tries to hoover you back in, you must resist all of their attempts. It’s important to understand that the narcissist is only trying to get you back so that they can use you even more, then discard you themselves. Don’t give them the opportunity.
| READ: Common Hoovering Tactics → |
Self-care & Healing
Now it’s time to prioritise YOU. No doubt, throughout the affair you’ve probably had most of your energy and focus on the narcissist and what they were or weren’t doing.
The reality is, you fell for and accepted the narcissist’s half-arsed manipulative behaviour because of your own inner wounds. Narcissists are experts are locating your deepest fears, desires and insecurities, then using them against you.
It’s time now to look at what the narcissist triggered within you and heal those gaps. Once you’re able to release those traumas from your energetic field, manipulative people will never again be able to use those things against you.
The only way that I’ve found to truly be able to release my own childhood and past life wounding has been with the help of an energy worker, such as Selina Hill. You can read more about her offerings, if that sounds like a journey you’re ready to embark on.
Whatever modality you choose, therapy and healing will be necessary for your recovery so that you can go ahead and live the life you deserve to live, without the narcissist.
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