10 Narcissist Divorce Tactics + How to Beat Them!

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Make no mistake, divorcing a narcissist is one of the toughest, most devastating experiences of your life.

Trust me when I say that the battle between you and the narcissist is a spiritual war between the light and the dark. What’s happening in the energetic realm runs so much deeper than just the narcissist wanting the money and property. They want to empty out your soul and completely exterminate you.

Being married to a narcissist is one thing, but the real test comes when you need to divorce one.

Before even trying to divorce a narcissist, if you have the time, I’d highly recommend strengthening your inner being first and foremost.

Instead of trying to meet the narcissist in their distorted arena and attempt to beat them (spoiler alert: you will lose!), shift your focus to healing your inner wounds, which will take away all of their ammunition.

If the matter has already begun, it’s not too late. Working on yourself throughout the proceedings will help you to hold your authentic position, allowing everything to flow much more easily in your favour. The process and outcome will be much less traumatic, emotionally crippling and disastrous for you.

It’s also important to educate yourself on the typical narcissist divorce tactics so that you’ll be less surprised and reactive when they arise.

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Why Is Divorcing A Narcissist So Difficult?

Narcissists are not sane, rational people who can recognise the breakdown of a relationship and take responsibility for their part in it all.

They do not want to solve things peacefully and move on with their lives with as little collateral damage as possible.

They certainly do not want to see you happy and healthy, despite how the relationship has panned out.

In fact, what they want are the opposite of all of those things.

They want to drag you through the mud, watch you suffer, take everything that means anything to you and utterly destroy you in the process.

They want to win and come out on top. They want to be compensated for what you’ve done to them. Because in the narcissist’s warped reality, they truly believe that they are in the right and you are the one who’s done all of the horrible things.

It’s all your fault!

They feel completely entitled to more than their fair share and will justify it till the cows come home.

When divorcing my covert narcissist ex, he truly believed that he was entitled to way more than 50% simply because he brought in the paycheck and I stayed home with the children. His rationalisations behind it were completely wild and I remember thinking to myself, “My god, this guy thinks we’re still living in the 1950s.”

You are now public enemy #1, who must be abolished before you have the chance to take them out.

Narcissists have no conscious awareness that there are good people in the world who don’t act out of greed and selfishness. They think everyone is out to take what they can from others, just like they do. This mindset justifies their self-serving and destructive behaviour because they think that if they don’t crush you first, then you will crush them.

In their competitive reality, it’s every person for themselves.

Once the narcissist sees that you no longer serve them, you become yesterday’s trash. If you are no longer a willing source of supply that they can plug into and drain at their leisure, they must suck you dry by force, before eliminating you.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who left who. The narcissist’s ego sees the divorce as a huge rejection, which is unacceptable.

Their public image is everything to them, which means they cannot risk having you talking to anyone about anything that might put their false image in jeopardy. They must control the storyline, which serves to feed their belief of being the victim and that this is all your fault.

This is where things can get incredibly infuriating and soul-crushing because the narcissist will activate a campaign against you. They will even enlist your friends, family and acquaintances (flying monkeys) to support their agenda and help to bring you down.

READ: Do Flying Monkeys Know What They’re Doing? →

Just remember, those who are truly meant to be in your life, will be in your life on the other side of all of this. Everyone else can just fall away and doesn’t deserve a seat at your table. You simply won’t align with each other any more.

As for the physical ‘stuff’ that the narcissist is going after – they want it all. They’re completely entitled and do not believe that you deserve any of it. Their over-inflated ego truly thinks that they are superior and more deserving and that you must be punished by not getting any of it.

The False Self lives in a material world and relies heavily on external sources (money, property, business, appearances etc.) for validation of its existence. They will not let you walk away with the very things that they see as their worth, without putting up a dirty and horrendous fight.

Narcissist Divorce Tactics

Narcissists fight hard and they fight dirty. Even if they were the one to have instigated the separation or divorce, it will still cause a huge narcissistic injury in them, which must not go unpunished.

Either way, they don’t believe that the break down of the relationship was because of anything they’ve done. All of their words and actions are completely your fault, because they utterly refuse to take accountability for anything.

Narcissists are also pathological liars, which I know is hard to fathom because they are so bloody good at it and they had you going for so long. But, keeping this truth at the forefront of your mind is going to help you in the upcoming divorce process.

The divorce isn’t even personal, although it will feel like it. This is their ego on steroids, going on a rampage to win at all costs so as to protect itself.

The biggest thing is to remain centred and calm. Do not react to anything they say or do and do not show any surprise with the various techniques they’ll pull out of the hat.

Knowing that some or all of these narcissist divorce tactics may come your way will help to reduce the shock and surprise when they do happen.

Psych You Out Before Court

The narcissist will do everything they can to psych you out before any official proceedings. The divorce tactic here is to make you appear as the ‘unhinged’ one, so that they come off as the sane party.

No matter what the narcissist goads you with, do not bite. They will know exactly how to directly access your deepest triggers here, so it’s incredibly important to remove yourself from any unnecessary contact with the narcissist and do not engage with the narcissist’s psych out tactics.

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Charm the Judge

Remember, narcissists are masterful manipulators. In fact, manipulation is really the only true skill they bring to the table and they know it.

This narcissist divorce tactic is all about charming the judge to get them on side and enhance their story that you’re the crazy one.

Again, don’t try to speak out about what the narcissist is doing because you will just further play into the narcissist’s hand. Remember that judges deal with manipulative people every day. Let them figure this one out all by themselves.

The best way thing that you can do here is to remain as true and authentic as you can and let the narcissist do their thing.

Energy does not lie.

Our bodies are constantly reacting to energy in the world around us, even if we aren’t consciously aware of it. You’ll just need to trust that the judge will get that icky feeling we often get when someone isn’t being authentic.

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Use Delay Tactics

Narcissists are notorious for using delay tactics during a divorce process, for a few strategic reasons.

This is where you’ll need to let the professionals deal with the narcissist and avoid being pulled down into their self-created drama. Keep your cool and let it flow without biting.

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Bleed You Dry Financially with Legal Expenses

Narcissists love nothing more than seeing their enemies suffer. It makes them feel powerful, which feeds them narcissistic supply.

They cannot allow you to ‘win’ the divorce, which means ensuring that you walk away broken and depleted in every possible way, including financially.

To them, the divorce is a war against who the world will perceive as being ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’ For the narcissist to maintain their false illusion that they are perfect and flawless, they must manipulate the situation so that you come out on the bottom, while they come out on top.

Even if the narcissist was the one to have instigated the divorce, they still must crush you in the process to further validate that you are the one to blame for the whole thing. As far as they’re concerned, it’s all your fault and you don’t deserve a red cent!

Plus, the narcissist wants to ensure that on the other side of the divorce, they get to go off and be ‘successful,’ while you’re struggling to make ends meet. Again, this is another way of validating to themselves and the world that they are the amazing one and you are nothing without them.

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Refuse to Pay the Lawyers

Narcissists are entirely greedy creatures and they will want all of the helpings for themselves.

No matter how they fare in the divorce outcome, they may still refuse to pay their own lawyers, claiming that they, “Didn’t do their job properly.”

If the narcissist comes out on top, they’ll believe that it’s because they’re entitled to everything they got due to their own merit, not because of anything the lawyer did for them.

If the narcissist comes out on the bottom, they’ll blame the lawyer for doing a crappy job, rather than taking accountability for the fact that they’re probably not entitled to anything more.

Remember, the narcissist believes that they are flawless, which means nothing can ever be their fault – it will always be because of someone else’s shortcomings.

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Won’t Negotiate or Settle

As far as the narcissist is concerned, they should be getting everything and you are entitled to nothing.

They will often refuse to negotiate or settle because that would mean handing over a portion of what they believe is rightfully theirs. By this point it’s not even about the money or property any more, it’s about winning.

For the narcissist to uphold the only reality that they’re able to live with (i.e. them being perfect and superior), they must win at all costs. It’s all just one big game to them and they will fight to the death!

Along with that, narcissists do not like being told what to do, because that directly underhands their God-like status. By agreeing to negotiate or compromise on a settlement would mean having someone else being in control of the chess pieces, instead of them.

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Openly Lie in Court

Narcissists are pathological liars, meaning that they will constantly lie to get their own way.

Lying is a manipulation tactic the narcissist has been using since they were little and just because they’re standing in a court room, doesn’t mean that it’s about to stop.

Swearing an oath means nothing to the narcissist because their False Self has them believing that they are so superior that they sit above all other authorities. In other words, they are answerable to no one, therefore the oath doesn’t apply to them.

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Smear Your Name with False Accusations

The narcissist will need to set the scene so that they appear to be in the ‘right’ in the public eye. They will smear your name with friends, family and associates so that they can paint the image of you being the perpetrator and them being the victim.

It’s all about the narcissist keeping their name clean, which means dragging yours through the mud.

They also want to make sure that if you speak any truth about what they’re really like behind their mask, no one will believe you.

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Attack You Where it Will Hurt You the Most

Just to make sure that you’re properly broken, another narcissist divorce tactic is to hit you where it will hurt the most. This can often be with the kids or pets.

The main tactic the narcissist used to control you during the marriage was to locate your deepest wounds and rip them open. This is the same tactic they will use during the divorce process to trigger you, wear you down and eventually annihilate you.

This one can be hard to detach from, so you will need to pull together all of your strength to avoid being triggered when the narcissist pulls out the big guns here.

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Take You Back to Court for More

If the narcissist does not walk away from the divorce with everything that they believe they’re entitled to, they will attempt to drag you back in for round tow (or three).

The war is never over with the narcissist, especially if they don’t win.

Sometimes, it’s in your best interest to let them have the ‘things’ and think they’ve won, so that you can be free to walk away, reclaim your sanity and begin to rebuild.

In my honest opinion, I believe that being able to walk away with your loved ones (e.g. children and pets), while deleting the narcissist from your life forever is worth more than anything else.

READ: Affair with a Narcissist →

Divorce a Narcissist and Win – SPIRITUALLY

The Fight is About the Narcissist, Not You

If you haven’t already travelled down this road, it’s time to fully understand that the narcissist never loved you, never cared for you and was only ever in it for themselves.

• I know they put on the greatest show on Earth and had you totally hoodwinked.
• I know they love bombed you hard and made you believe that you were their whole world.
• I know they invalidated you and gaslit you, then made you feel crazy for thinking that things weren’t right.
• I know they looked you straight in the eyes and lied, with real tears rolling down their cheeks and all.
• I know you believed their fake promises and apologies and took them back in, time and time again.

But I also know that… It. Was. All. Bullshit.

READ: What the Narc’s “I’m Sorry” Really Means →

Every single thing they’ve ever done was a part of their elaborate, manipulative game to get you to trust them so that they could be your puppet master. In exchange, they were able to suck your life force energy. In fact, you were a willing participant (little did you know).

The trauma bond, which made you feel loyal to the very person who was hurting you, was strengthened over time by them administering intermittent rewards and punishments. You became addicted to the rollercoaster ride of the relationship that was. They became your only source of relief from the very abusive behaviour that they were dishing out.

It was all one sick and twisted game to use you.

READ: The 7 Trauma Bond Stages →

When they were initially getting to know you, they were a very attentive listener. You mistook that for someone who was genuinely interested in getting to know the real you.

I guess that’s not a complete lie – they were definitely intent on finding out who you really were. Not to walk alongside you as a supportive partner, but rather so that they could find out what your deepest, darkest insecurities, triggers and wounds were.

Then, they would open up those very wounds and intentionally rub salt into them. Why? To extract narcissistic supply. It’s always about supply.

READ: Narcissistic Supply Explained →

Whenever they would get a reaction, you would unwittingly hand over your life force energy to them. They made you become addicted to ‘needing’ them, as a way of feeding their own addiction.

In fact, you never needed them at all, they only ever needed you.

And that right there is where the power lies. Once you know who they truly are and what they’re playing at, their game is up. The power shifts as you realise that you can instantly cut off their supply. Once their supply runs dry, they are left with no choice but to move on and leech off another innocent host.

Narcissists don’t want peaceful resolutions and happy endings. Their ego needs the drama and chaos to validate its own existence and to confirm that it must be incredibly powerful to be able to control the emotions and reactions of others in such a way.

The narcissist needs to create one big shitshow in order to suck any remaining life force out of you.

This whole fight is about them getting access to another big hit of their drug and taking all of the goodies in the process.

Now that you can see what the divorce is really about for them, you can choose to not play their game.

However, I also know that logically knowing the information and the truth is simply not enough. The traumas they’ve hit and added to run deeper than you can ever imagine.

Your programmed fears of persecution, alienation, abandonment, lack of security and total annihilation will easily override your logical knowledge.

It’s that fear, which drives and feeds the narcissist.

This is why now more than ever, it’s time to turn within, heal those wounds and release the fear.

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Recognise & Heal Your Inner Wounds

I know “heal your traumas” is probably not what you want to hear right now when dealing with narcissist divorce tactics.

“How is ‘healing myself’ going to help me win a court case against the devil in disguise?!”

However, hopefully you’re starting to understand the unseen energetic war that is going on between the narcissist and yourself.

Essentially, the narcissist crushes you emotionally and mentally by locating your unhealed wounds and playing out exactly what they need to in order to floor you. This is how you lose you mind and play into their hands as being the “crazy, unhinged one,” while they’re playing it cool and slicing off your legs under the table.

So, what’s the solution to this problem? You locate those unhealed wounds yourself and heal them.

That way, the narcissist has zero ammunition against you. There is nothing that they can do to hurt you anymore and their game is up.

When you go through the process of meeting and releasing your trauma, piece-by-piece, the universe responds accordingly.

On a quantum level, whatever is playing out inside of you is what will show up in your outside world. The universal creator (whatever that is for you) doesn’t punish or destroy, it simply matches energy with energy.

If your inner world is filled with the fear of being abandoned, then that is the story which will play out in your life. The narcissist is likely to abandon you on horrendous terms and take you for everything, leaving you with no security.

Alternatively, if your inner world is filled with self-love, peace, respect and total security within, then that is what will show up in your outer world. The narc will not be a vibrational match with that energy and you’ll find the court proceedings going naturally in your favour. You’ll be met with an outcome representing peace, respect and security for you.

So, how do you meet and heal those internal traumas?

The only way that I have found to be able to successfully walk the healing journey is through enlisting the energetic healing sessions from Selena Hill. More on that below, if you’re ready to take that journey yourself.

If spiritual healing isn’t your thing, then it’s time to get a good therapist who’s experienced in dealing with victims of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

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Stand in Your Authentic Truth

The narcissist will put a whole lot of time and energy into superimposing their false, distorted reality over the truth. However, that overlay simply can’t hold forever. The organic truth still exists underneath, no matter what they try to do to hide that from everyone’s view.

When you stand in your authentic truth and disengage from whatever is being slung at you, the narcissist’s fabricated reality can’t stick. It’s an energetic law, which defies what their ego thinks it can override.

Even though you may find yourself being accused, slandered and threatened, the importance of ignoring it all and turning inwards has never been greater!

The fact that your life has come to such a dramatic and crucial moment is the fork in the road of your spiritual awakening.

You can choose to lower yourself to the narcissist’s level and try and fight them there, but the outcome is dire. You will almost certainly lose and without doing the inner work, will most likely repeat the same cycle with a different character. Meanwhile, the universe will continue to try and shake you awake.

Or, you can look at and acknowledge every single painful thing that the narcissist has triggered within you along the way. Then funnel all of your resources and energy into shifting those wounds out of your body so that the narcissist no longer has anything left to attack you with.

Narcissism will never be a match for true authenticity – they’re two very different energetic frequencies.

Divorce a Narcissist and Win – PRACTICAL TIPS

Start an ‘Escape’ Fund

If you’re still with the narcissist and are trying to get out, it’s imperative to start an ‘Escape’ fund for yourself if you possibly can.

Open up a bank account with a completely different bank and make sure it’s not connect to any of your existing accounts in any way. Don’t get a bank card and ask for all correspondence to be via email (no physical statements being sent in the mail). Have it linked to a completely different email account, which the narc knows nothing about.

Deposit money into that account as often as you can so that if the narcissist decides to cut your off financially, you won’t be in dire straights.

Having some cash stashed away for an emergency moment is also highly recommended, just in case you can’t get to the bank when you need to.

You can tell your lawyer about this account and they will put it down as a shared asset to be split, so it won’t legally be held against you.

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Gather Your Evidence

If you know you’re getting ready to separate from a narcissist, I highly recommend gathering copies of as many documents as you can before the event and have them stored away somewhere safe.

It pays to have electronic copies saved in at least one personal email account that the narcissist knows nothing about or doesn’t have any possibility of accessing.

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Keep Records

Leading up to, during and after you divorce a narcissist, it’s super important to record everything!

Get yourself a notebook and record and date anything that happens along the way with regards to the narcissist. We’re talking about communication from them, threats, social media comments, things they are doing and things they aren’t doing (depending on what they should be doing).

Take screenshots of any messages they send (even if you think it might amount to nothing), then add a note about it in your notebook under that date. Keeping everything together in date order within the notebook will help to pull together all of the other documents, emails, messages etc, that you’re keeping in other locations.

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Choose the Right Lawyer

When you need to divorce a narcissist and win, you want to make sure you’ve got the right professional representing you.

Ask questions to find out where their awareness stands with narcissism.

You need to choose a lawyer who’s well-versed in working with manipulative and unyielding people. Narcissists are pathological liars. They don’t just lie to you, they lie to everyone, including judges, police officers and lawyers. Your lawyer needs know who they are up against and be able to counter the narc’s false version of events.

Don’t let them talk you out of a lawyer

Don’t let the narcissist try and convince you that you can settle it out of court because they’ll “look after you.” They won’t. This is just another narcissist divorce tactic to make sure you end up with nothing.

At the beginning of my separation with my covert narcissist husband, he told me he’d always make sure the kids and I were taken care of.

Then months later when the topic of child support was broached, he totally flipped, “Why should I have to pay you – you chose to leave!”

He went on to refuse payment, threatened me with all sorts, gaslighted me, haggled down on the price, then claimed, “I’m just trying to work this out reasonably. Why are you being so difficult?”

Joining a narcissistic abuse survivor group can be a good way to see what lawyers others have used and if they had success with them or not. Word of mouth might be the best way to go when trying to find a lawyer who’ll help you divorce a narcissist and win.

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Communication

When it comes to communicating with the narcissist during the legal process, do it all through your solicitor. That way they can word things in the best way to benefit your own case and not fall into any traps.

If the narc tries to contact you in other ways, which is quite likely, keep copies of everything and do not respond – you are not obliged to in any way. Take screenshots of messages, keep any voicemail messages and file all emails safely in a folder. You never know what may come in handy as evidence against them along the way.

If you’ve got children with the narcissist, keep all communication in the written form. If they call you, do not answer the phone, but instead use email, text messages or a messaging app (as long as they can’t ‘unsend’ messages).

It’s essential to avoid being put on the spot with the narcissist through verbal communication. They know you incredibly well and will know how to manipulate you so that you end up playing right into their hands.

Stick to the bare minimum facts about the kids and do not deviate away from that. If they try to bring in other topics, do not respond to them.

If you need to show up to appointments and meetings where you know the narcissist will be, avoid being left alone with them. Show up right on time, then leave directly after the appointment – no lingering!

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Find Your Support

If you want to divorce a narcissist and win, you’re going to need support.

If you feel as though the safety of yourself and your children is in jeopardy, please seek help from the relevant places ASAP. Women’s shelters offer a wealth of support for women in need, especially if you’re not sure on which way to turn.

I know finding true, authentic support when separating from a narcissist can be a tricky task when the narc has actively smeared you to all and sundry. Honestly, if you’ve still got a couple of friends and family members on your side by this point who don’t believe a word of the narc, then you definitely deserve to celebrate that.

Having moral support throughout this process is going to be imperative in helping you stand strong in your authentic truth. These people will cheer you on, no matter what untruths are spewing out of the narcissist’s mouth both in and out of court.

You may need support with the kids, finances, accommodation, work and whatever else your situation calls for. Don’t be afraid to ask for help in your greatest time of need.

I know you’re used to dealing with a narcissist, where you were never able to put yourself first or make your own needs known. But your support crew is not the narcissist. You will not be a burden on those who genuinely care about you and want to help you.

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Daily Self-care

Self-care is not selfish, it’s actually essential right now for your health and well-being.

When I was healing from and divorcing a narcissist husband, the one thing that my mind, body and soul needed at the end of each day wasn’t Netflix – it was a long, hot bubble bath. It became so essential to what my soul required that I knew it was my daily medicine.

You will most definitely need to prioritise some time every, single day to whatever self-care practices soothe your soul.

Even if you’ve only got short bursts of time for yourself, there are still plenty of ways to incorporate 5-minute self-care activities.

READ: Self-care After Abuse (15 Tips) →

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What About the Children & Pets?

Unfortunately, the ones who can suffer the most when you divorce a narcissist are the kids.

Although I don’t recommend lying to the kids (they’re far smarter than what we give them credit for), they don’t need to know the ugly ins-and-outs of what’s going on.

If one of the kids finds you crying and asks if everything is okay, you can be honest about your feelings, “I’m feeling a bit sad right now, so I needed to just have a little cry.”

When the kids have their own moments of emotion (fear, anger, sadness etc.), hug them and let them know that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling. Given that they’ve got one parent who’s narcissistic and emotionally shut down, to not repeat the cycle we want the kids to know that big emotions are a completely normal part of the human experience.

You can totally assume that the narcissist is likely to drop snide comments about you to the kids for two reasons. They want to puff themselves up and look like the ‘better’ parent, which in their world is done by pulling the other parent down. Plus, they will no doubt be hopeful that those comments get back to you and trigger you.

The best advice I ever heard was that kids learn more from what we do than what we say.

My stance has always been to not say a bad word about their father to them and allow the kids to grow on their own journey. They need their dad, regardless of the relationship break down and I will not do anything to ruin that, as long as they’re safe and happy.

They will see things for themselves over the years, I don’t even need to say a word. They will also come to realise as adults that the parent who offered the most loving, supportive home, never slandered the other parent. While the parent who was quick to blow their fuse and didn’t feel as ‘safe’ to be around (even if they didn’t have the words to describe it), often talked smack about the other parent.

They will make up their own minds.

If the kids talk about things that their narcissistic parent has said or done, you can definitely address the behaviour and express that it’s not okay. You don’t need to tarnish the other parent with the ‘narcissist’ brush. Again, the kids will probably figure it out for themselves all in good time and you’re free to have the conversation with them once they’re fully autonomous adults.

Narcissists and Pets

As for custody of pets when you split, be aware that if you walk away with the pet/s, you can bet that the narcissist will not be happy about it. To them, the pets are part of the ‘assets’ in which they think they’re 100% entitled to. They will want to claim the pets because they want to win – not because they genuinely care about the animals.

If they walk away with the pets, be prepared to see happy selfies with the narc, the new supply and your beloved pet all over social media. It’s another chance for them to showcase that they’ve ‘won’ and you’re the sad loser. They may even use pets to smear you and rewrite the storyline about how you were a terrible pet owner and that they’re the amazing one (the complete opposite of the truth).

For more on how narcissists view and treat pets, check out the article below.

READ: Do Narcissists Love Their Pets? →

In Closing…

I hope this post has been helpful in giving you a really clear picture on what’s really going on behind the narcissist divorce tactics. The whole dynamic is so much more than just some greedy schmuck trying to take all the ‘stuff.’

You’re dealing with a person who has no true authenticity because they cut off the connection to that part of themselves a very long time ago.

Now they’re left being driven completely by their self-serving ego, which only functions in the lower energetic realm of greed, manipulation and corruption.

You could feel sorry for them… but you’re far better off pouring that energy into healing yourself and rising up to a vibration where narcissism simply cannot exist. The outcome of your divorce, plus your future life will be so much more beautiful because of it.

This truly is an amazing blessing and opportunity for you, just as my darkest hour was my greatest miracle as well.

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