For anyone who makes their way out of a narcissistically abusive relationship, one of the most natural questions in the world is, “Why did the narcissist choose me?” Closely followed by, “I’m such an idiot! How did I not see the manipulation all along?”
I get it. I struggled with those very same questions myself after twenty years of being married to a narcissist. Even though I knew deep inside that I hadn’t loved him for the longest time, I was still so fiercely loyal to the douche.
After only a few weeks of finally breaking free, the realisation slammed into me that he was (is) a narcissist. I had my suspicions by the end, but never had the headspace to even go there.
However, one of the most soul-crushing experiences of my life was realising that I’d given two decades to someone who’d only ever pretended to love me, all in order to mine me for my resources and energy.
I’d given this guy my youth, my body, two children and anything else he put his hands out for. How could I have been so stupid?!
But what I realised throughout my healing and while learning the truth about my ex (and my narc mother), is that all recipients of narcissistic abuse feel just as hoodwinked as I did.
Every. Single. One of us.
The very nature of narcissistic abuse is smoke and mirrors, mind control, manipulation, gaslighting and many other insidious forms of exploitation.
But more than anything, it’s a psychological strategy that your eyes cannot see. The narcissist has rigged the whole show so that you can never see it while they’ve got you under their spell.
Some of the most intelligent, kind-hearted people on the planet fall for the narcissist’s false illusions. Narcissism is a spiritual war, where the more empathetic and compassionate you are, the more of a target you become.
So please, hear me now. You are not alone in wondering how you fell for the narcissist’s tricks. They are pathological con artists who have been in the game since childhood.
Let’s have a look at the question we all wonder about, why did the narcissist choose me? I can tell you it’s not because you’re weak or stupid. In fact, you can bet it’s because you’re the complete opposite!
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Why Did the Narcissist Choose Me?
Because You Were There
Sometimes a narcissist doesn’t even necessarily ‘choose’ you, it’s just simply because you were there at the right (or wrong) time.
Maybe they were already in a relationship, but they were wanting to discard their current partner. Then you came along at just the perfect time to be the replacement (little did you know).
It’s possible that they’d just been discarded themselves and had no other supply in the wings, therefore they’d take any attention that they could get.
Maybe the narcissist just needed a place to live and hey presto, you had a spare room or a spare couch!
If you just so happen to walk past at the exact time when the narcissist wants another source of supply, they’ll set their target on you for nothing other than sheer convenience.
Then through the ensuing love bombing phase, you’ll quickly be tested as to whether or not you’ll be a suitable and compliant partner.
WHY DID THE NARCISSIST CHOOSE ME?
Sometimes it’s as simple as the fact that you were there at the wrong time. They needed a new supply and you were quite possibly looking for a loving partnership.
In the beginning, they would have promised you all that you were seeking, but down the track you realise you’d stepped into a nightmare instead.
To Enhance Their False Reality
The narcissist discarded their True Self a long time ago as a result of some type of childhood trauma. They simply could not accept the part of themselves that would cause them to experience such feelings of shame, defectiveness and unworthiness.
In place of their True Self, the ego created a False Self in order to shelter themselves from the very truth they sought to run from. So, instead of experiencing the full spectrum of what it means to be a human, they discarded the part of themselves that would allow them to feel empathy, compassion, love and kindness.
In other words, the narcissist amputated their conscience.
Their ego went on to construct an entire false world, which serves to confirm to the narcissist that they are superior, special, entitled and above all others.
The problem is that their self-made reality is a complete fantasy, nothing more than an illusion.
However, the narcissist needs to preserve their false reality in order for them to psychologically survive. Therefore, they need constant validation from the outside world that says, “Yes, your false reality is real,” even though it’s not.
Given how detrimentally important it is to a narcissist that they keep their false reality alive, they are constantly on the prowl for people who will serve to enhance their agenda.
You see, narcissists don’t view other people the way you and I do. To them, people are merely tools to be used, then discarded if/ when they finish with them. Much like a material item.
Now, you’re probably asking yourself, why did the narcissist choose me to enhance their false reality? Well, you obviously offered things that the narcissist viewed as valuable for propping them up and making them look a certain way.
Examples of attributes narcissists often value:
- Physical appearances
- Societal appearances
- Money
- Status
- Objects of success (cars, boats, property, high-end/ trendy clothing, gadgets etc.)
Maybe you offered the narcissist the ability for them to have the ‘perfect’ family or they could ride the wave of your success and claim it as their own. You may have had the financial or physical stability for them to mooch from, without them having to take full responsibility for themselves.
The possibilities are endless when it comes to what false reality the narcissist seeks to create for themselves and paint for the world around them to view.
WHY DID THE NARCISSIST CHOOSE ME?
For certain attributes and resources that they saw in you and valued. They wanted those qualities in order to inflate their false reality and make themselves look better, which quite often came at your own expense.
For Your Empathy & Compassion
Narcissists gravitate towards people who display high levels of natural empathy and compassion. Since they are in the business of taking and empathetic people are in the business of giving – it’s the perfect deal for them.
Empaths in particular have an exceptional ability to feel other people’s moods, emotions and behaviours. Therefore, they’ll willingly give people the benefit of the doubt, over and over again. To the point where it’s to their detriment, especially with narcissists who have zero capacity for true empathy or compassion.
| READ: Empath & Narc (21 Stages) → |
Narcissists certainly know how to play the victim in order to get the outcome that they want. The scariest thing is, they’ll play their role so convincingly, that even empaths, who have the intuitive ability to feel the energy behind what people aren’t saying, are easily hoodwinked.
As an empath myself, my biggest question after escaping the narcissist and finally seeing the truth was, “How did he manage to play me so well that I couldn’t feel his dishonesty?” I was left doubting my own self BIG TIME and felt like I was unable to even trust my own intuition.
I now realise that it’s because narcissists are such adept pathological liars, that they are able to cut straight through to your big, open heart and get you to ignore any warning signs. You’ll reason things away with, “They’re just having a bad day,” or, “They don’t really mean to do that,” or, “It’s just their trauma speaking.”
Compassionate people believe that everyone is inherently good, it’s just that some people have bad moments. I’ve had to learn the hard way, as I’m sure you have too, that everyone is not constitutionally good.
We need to naturally allow people to show us who they truly are without blindly handing ourselves over. Then we can make a healthy judgement as to whether or not that person aligns with our own personal values and morals. If not, we have the sovereign right to bow out and walk away.
WHY DID THE NARCISSIST CHOOSE ME?
Narcissists, being the ultimate sheep in wolf’s clothing, prey on people’s compassion. They use it as a weapon – playing their own kindness against them, while extracting their precious life force energy.
For Your Ability to Go Along with Their Storyline
Narcissists are among the most skilled liars to walk this planet. They will look you dead in the eye and tell you such an outrageous lie or half-truth, without batting an eyelid.
How can narcissists lies so fluently and convincingly?
- They don’t have a conscience, therefore there are no emotional repercussions for anything that they say or do.
- Their whole purpose in life is centred around gaining attention (energetic supply) from others, so lying is merely a means to an end.
- Once they tell a lie enough times, they’ve effectively painted that as a reality in their false world. So to them, it’s not a lie at all.
The narcissist would have been sussing you out from the very first moment they met you. They would have been testing the waters to see how well you accept their version of things without questioning it.
Along with this, they were seeing how easy you were to manipulate into their way of thinking if you did hit topics of difference.
If you were easily swayed to their point of view, they wanted you for that.
As we’ve discovered, the problem with the narcissist’s false reality is that it requires the affirmation of other people outside of themselves to be constantly confirming that their version really is ‘real.’
That’s why they need those around them to be consistently going along with their warped storyline at all times. If you defy their version of events, their ego will line you up for annihilation.
The narcissist believes, in all of their (false) superiority and perfection, that the problem is never them, it’s you for challenging their false reality.
This is when they will cruelly discard you, punish you and smear you to all and sundry.
| READ: 12 Narcissist Discard Signs → |
In their world, you have now become public enemy #1. By challenging their false reality, you are now a threat to their whole existence and you must be eliminated before you expose them.
Being unmasked would destroy everything that they’ve constructed, which is a fate worse than death for them. All that would be left is the part of themselves that they are utterly disgusted by – a scared little child, filled with deep shame, and unworthiness.
WHY DID THE NARCISSIST CHOOSE ME?
Narcissists don’t keep people in their world who challenge their false reality. They selectively chose you for your ability to be swayed to their perspective and version of events without question.
For Your Codependency
Codependents are over-givers. Through their own emotional neglect in childhood, they seek validation and approval from those around them by putting others first at all times. They need to feel needed, which helps them feel like useful and worthwhile human beings.
Codependents never ask for anything in return, although they’re always hanging onto the hope that someone will see all that they do and throw them a breadcrumb of approval.
Since narcissists are in the business of take-take-taking, this comes as music to their ears!
Narcissists don’t want a relationship built on give and take. They have no interest in teamwork or partnerships. They want someone who will make them the centre of their universe and do all of the giving, while they do all of the taking.
Codependents are so commonly found with narcissistic partners because the narcissist knows exactly how to trigger the codependent’s inner wounds and use them against them.
The whole trauma bonding process is built around this, which ends up making the codependent believe that the narcissist is their only source of love, validation, security and approval.
The sad truth is that the narcissist offers none of those things, they simply breadcrumb them to their partner in such small, infrequent morsels, that the codependent feels lucky enough to be getting anything at all.
I highly recommend reading What a Trauma Bond Looks Like to understand more.
WHY DID THE NARCISSIST CHOOSE ME?
Your ability to self-sacrifice and give, without asking for anything in return is what made you so appealing to the narcissist.
They did love you for your giving nature. However, it was not out of appreciation, but instead, for their personal exploitation.
For Your Strength
A narcissist doesn’t want someone who is weak and will give up at the first warning sign. Oh no, they want a fighter! Someone who will go the distance and put in the effort to really make the relationship work, despite all of the setbacks they put in place.
They want someone with strong ethics, who works hard and will not give up on the relationship without giving it all that they’ve got. They also don’t want someone who makes them look weak.
While at first, your strength is something that the narcissist is highly attracted to, over time it’s the very thing that they will chip away at.
Once they stop idealising you, they actually want someone who’s submissive and will go along with their shit show (false reality) without pointing out any of their flaws, which they utterly reject and refuse to see.
In order for the narcissist to be the puppet master, you must be the obedient puppet. For them to be in control, you can’t be too strong that you will overpower them.
You see where this is going… for the narcissist to perceive themselves as superior, you must be in a position of ‘less than’ (inferior).
WHY DID THE NARCISSIST CHOOSE ME?
The narcissist doesn’t want someone who will bail when the first waving red flag is presented. They need someone with the durability and determination to stick out the toxic relationship, but not strong enough that you present them with a problem.
For Your Lack of Boundaries
People with low boundary function are usually those who’ve experienced neglect of some form in childhood. Whether it was physical or emotional neglect, the trauma is the same.
They learnt through their caregivers that to be ‘loved,’ they needed to be either tending to the needs of the adult or pleasing the adult in some way (e.g. through academic or sporting achievements).
Their own needs were secondary and so they never learned how to have a healthy boundary function for their own self-worth, protection and survival.
When these people enter the world as adults, that same childhood trauma still very much lives inside of their cellular bodies. They will go into relationships trying to ‘fix’ the problems of their childhood.
In other words, people with low or no boundaries will seek the love, approval and validation that they never received as a child, from their partner. And as they learnt as a youngster, to gain what they’re so craving, they’ll always put the other person first, no matter what that person is expecting them to hand over.
WHY DID THE NARCISSIST CHOOSE ME?
Narcissists love people with a weak boundary function because their superior nature has them believing that they are above all boundaries. The rules don’t apply to them and they are entitled to say, do and have whatever it is that they like in this world.
For Your Ability to Take on the Responsibility of Others
People who have strong ethical and moral standings are often the first to jump in and take on the responsibility of others. As you can imagine, this has the narcissist rubbing their hands together in glee!
One of the hallmarks of a narcissist is the absolute refusal to take responsibility for their own words and actions. They love nothing more than having a serf who will jump into action and actively clean up all of the chaos and mess that they create.
As a response to the narcissist rejecting their True Self and any possible flaws that they may have, they utterly refuse to be accountable for any of their negative or toxic behaviours. On a deep, subconscious level, they know that if they ever admit fault, then their whole false reality will come crumbling down around them.
So, whenever the narcissist has a millisecond of feeling anything that they don’t wish to acknowledge (pain, guilt, unworthiness, shame etc.), they will immediately throw it onto someone else to deal with.
This is where you come in. Narcissists love over-achievers and rescuers who willingly take on the mess of other people, in the hopes of trying to help them.
The problem is that the narcissist’s ego will superimpose (project) the very aspects of their reality, which they refuse to be accountable for, onto you. Now the narcissist (in their warped perspective) genuinely sees you as the one to be doing all of the horrendous things.
With a narcissist, this will go from the simple act of trying to help them out, to being falsely accused and persecuted for their crimes!
Basically, their ego says, “You must take my pain away and wear the burden of my problems. That’s not mine to deal with.”
WHY DID THE NARCISSIST CHOOSE ME?
The narcissist loved how willing you were to clean up their mess (both emotional and physical) without question. They never appreciated any of what you did for them, it was merely expected of you as a bare minimum.
▶️ VIDEO: 8 Reasons Why the Narcissist Chose You
Rising Beyond the Narcissist
While it’s easy to fall into the sadness of how the narcissist was only ever in it for what they could get out of it, there is such an amazing life available to you beyond their toxicity.
Little does the narcissist know that their very existence in your life has brought you the most beautiful spiritual gift you could ever have hoped for.
Let me explain because I can almost hear your left eyebrow raising from all the way over here!
Through all of the narcissist’s cruel words and actions, they were able to locate so many of your deep, hidden inner wounds. In fact, narcs are masters at finding your most painful triggers, opening them up and then rubbing salt into them.
How is this a good thing, I hear you ask?
Because it’s these very same traumas, which have been holding you back and actively blocking you from living the abundant, joyful life of complete bliss and freedom that you came here to experience.
Have you ever wondered why you’ve always fallen into relationships that are just plain difficult? Do you wonder why having all of the physical, financial and emotional abundance that you crave is like a dangling carrot that you can never actually obtain?
It’s all because of your deep wounds and inner beliefs, which stop you from achieving those things.
Once you begin to heal those traumas, you also start to become your own source of unconditional love, validation, approval and security. Because ultimately, those are the things you’ve always been seeking outside of yourself.
Once you no longer need any other person or thing to provide you with the very things that have been inside of you all along, you’ll never again sacrifice yourself in any way for anybody else.
No longer will any narcissist have the ability to trigger you into their false reality (cycle of abuse), because they will have nothing to work with.
| READ: The Stages of Narc Abuse → |
This is how you elevate yourself to such a vibrational frequency in which no narcissist can ever comfortably reside. The light will be too strong for their darkness.
If you’re interested in shifting your deep traumas from your body once and for all, I highly recommend working with Selena Hill. It worked for me and completely changed my life for the better.
Memory Journal
Release the painful memories of the narcissist once and for all!
- Journal recurring thoughts
- Sort through what’s yours vs. theirs
- Identify your inner wounds to heal
- Pass the narcissist’s disowned wounding back to them
- Step-by-step guidance
Pin It
It became clear to me years back that narcissists target only the highest empathy, glowy people. It’s a very sick that they play.
It’s true because they need people with high empathy and weak boundaries in order for their games to work. It sucks, but it’s giving a lot of empaths an opportunity (if they’re ready to see it) that having strong boundaries is a GOOD thing and we’re not being cruel by saying ‘no.’ It’s also a chance to be honest with ourselves and see that not everyone is good and deserves our compassion in the first place. The narcissist journey for the empath is one of the hardest we will have to endure.