The Empath and the Narcissist [A Toxic Fairytale]

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The empath and the narcissist have been a toxic fairytale for eons. As more and more empaths become aware of who they are and rise to take their power back, the narcissist is forced to move on or look at their own behaviour (which we all know isn’t going to happen).

Here, I share my own story of how the empath and the narcissist cycle began and how I have managed to emerge on the other side.

I also share some insights as to why this is a common dynamic and why the New Earth energies will not support those toxic patterns.

This post contains affiliate links, for more information, see our disclosures here.

The Empath and the Narcissist

Falling into the arms of a Narcissist

As with most 22-year-olds, I was looking for love. But not just love, I was craving a connection with someone who truly saw me… the real me.

I’d always felt so different inside and had really struggled growing up. People didn’t get me.

To be honest, I knew that I saw the world differently to others and I knew that I was sensitive, but I guess I just thought that everyone felt what I felt. I trusted that everyone ultimately felt kindness and compassion for others.

I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, because I wanted to see the best in others.

Then I met this guy who was shy and quiet, but who would listen to me for hours and hours. For the first time in my life I felt like someone was really listening to me. He understood me.

Or so it seemed.

I look back, armed with the knowledge that I have now and can see that indeed he was listening intently. Not because he genuinely cared about me, but because he was studying me.

He was literally collecting my data.

> What made me tick?

> What were my deepest fears?

> What were my greatest desires?

> What were my weaknesses?

All of this data collection would eventually be used against me.

Being a misunderstood empath who was finally having the space to speak and express freely, I completely poured my heart out to this guy. I want to say ‘man,’ but in fact he was just a boy.

Even at the time I thought it was a little weird that I always did most of the talking. I figured he was just shy.

Of course he was ‘shy,’ he was a covert narcissist. He lacked the confidence and charm that a grandiose narcissist exudes, but made up for it by being (seemingly) present.

Being ‘love bombed’ by the Narcissist

There were no fancy dinners or expensive gifts with this covert narcissist. The love bombing phase was all about time and attention.

We just spent days on end talking and having sex, followed by more talking. He would often go in late to work, or just not show up at all.

When we wasn’t with me, he’d be texting me or calling me for more long conversations.

It was intoxicating.

That alone should have been a red flag, but as an empath I was too wrapped in feeling seen, heard and wanted for the first time in my life, to see anything but glitter.

I also look back and see the signs of sheer laziness that he oozed (ditching work without taking any responsibility), but really… who cares about that when you’re 22 and falling head over heels, right?

The path that lead to the Narcissist

To understand how it is that I fell straight into the arms of a narcissist, we need to take a step back into my childhood.

You see, for me, the empath and the narcissist dynamic started long before this guy came along. It started the very day I was born. Or maybe even the day I was conceived, it depends on how you view it.

I always knew that my mother was a stern woman. I only had to look around at other mothers to see how strict my own was.

I remember as an eleven-year-old saying to my friend at school that my Mum was a bitch. She was so shocked, “Victoria, you can’t say that!” Then in crept shame. I knew that I shouldn’t speak that way about my mother, even though it was how I truly felt.

By the time I got to high school I just felt sad all the time. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Everyone else seemed to be doing okay and coping with life. So, why wasn’t I?

When I was around 14, I remember reading an article in a teen magazine about depression. It was as though the entire article had been written to describe me. I just knew that that was what was wrong with me.

Recognising that I was battling with depression and anxiety shook my entire world. I felt like I’d been put together wrong and just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Being the 1990’s, ‘depression’ was still very much a taboo topic that was swept under the carpet. So, armed with this insight about myself… I told no one. I was deeply ashamed that there was something drastically wrong with me. I think I eventually confided in one friend, who was so supportive. But really, she didn’t know what to do about it either, even though she could recognise the deep sadness within me.

I had no connection with my mother who was always berating me for something. I was never good enough, I never did things right, I was too sensitive, too alternative and not at all the daughter she thought she’d have.

I used to think to myself, “she might love me because she has to, but she certainly doesn’t like me.”

My Dad was absent. He’d checked out and focussed on his career because Mum’s emotions were too much to handle. So, my siblings and I were completely abandoned and left to be raised by her.

Years later I was to discover that my Mum is a grandiose narcissist and I was the scapegoat. One of my siblings was always the golden child, which was even obvious to outsiders of the family. My other sibling became the scapegoat once I left, but very much copped it throughout childhood as well.

I had no idea I was an empath until around 10 years ago, but knowing it know, explains so much.

Being raised by a narcissistic mother is why I was so easily programmed to:

> Bow down to the narcissist

> Walk on eggshells

> Put everyone else first and myself last (self sacrifice)

> Wear the narcissists projections

> Have little to no self-worth

> Doubt myself, my decisions and my reality

> Feel as though I’m not worthy and not important

> Experience self-loathing, depression & anxiety

> Accept not being seen or heard

> Accept disruptive and chaotic behaviour

> Feel deep shame

My mother was an entirely self-involved woman who ignored the fact that there was something really deep going on with me.

I’d get regular eye-rolls and “it’s just a phase,” even though this depression went on right through to my 20’s.

Even when I confessed that truth to her one day, she denied having any idea about it and was genuinely shocked. I was gobsmacked that a parent could miss that their child was so mentally unwell for their entire teenage years.

But you see, if she was to acknowledge that there was something wrong with me, then she might have to actually take a look at herself. And as we well know, narcissists despise having to truly look at themselves.

So, back to the super attentive guy that I met at age 22, who was showering me with the attention I’d been craving my whole life.

He quickly learned that love and affection was what I wanted, which is what he used to hook me in. Yet those are the very two things that he withheld from me for the next 20 years to come.

It’s easy to see how him making me really feel seen, heard and valued was so alluring for me.

But it didn’t last. Looking back, I can see how it didn’t take long for him to start dismissing me once I was hooked in. I was so used to that ‘push and pull’ feeling in a relationship, that although it didn’t feel good, it was familiar.

I even remember thinking within that first year that, “it’s either this, or go back to my mother.” So, even that early on in the relationship, I was aware that things weren’t great.

Oftentimes, ‘familiar and awful’ is less scary than the unknown – even though the unknown has the potential for pure happiness.

And yet, I stayed. I even ended up marrying the man and having a bunch of kids with him.

Falling out of love with the Narcissist

Falling out of love with the narcissist was not an exact moment in time, it was a progression. A chipping away at what I thought once was, but really never even existed at all.

Every single time he lost his shit and flipped into a narcissistic rage, I would look at him and think, “why am I with this man?”

I was well aware that I didn’t love him, yet I had such an unhealthy belief that this was as good as it was going to get for me in this lifetime.

I’d totally lost hope that there was the possibility for me to find true happiness. Yet, for a while I hung on to the hope that my husband might change. He might become more loving and caring. He might be more helpful around the house.

But by the end, I actually didn’t even want him to become more loving. The thought of him hugging me or being physically attentive actually repulsed me. I was sad to think, “is this really the only man I get to be intimate with for the rest of my life?”

I couldn’t have been any less attracted to him. I was not proud to have him on my arm.

I wasn’t there out of love, I was there because I felt there was nothing else for me.

The trauma bond

A trauma bond with a narcissist is created when over time they continuously cycle through a pattern. It starts by withholding from you (i.e. punishing you), then rewarding you for complying with whatever the behaviour is that they want or expect.

Basically the abuser takes something away, which leaves the victim feeling lost, sad or empty. Then when the abuser gives it back (even if it’s just a small breadcrumb), the victim is so relieved, that all is forgiven and the victim welcomes the abuser back in.

Common things the narcissist will withhold:

• Love
• Affection
• Time
• Conversation
• Services (help at home/ with the kids/ fixing the car/ lift to work etc.)

Over time, you’re just happy enough to receive a small breadcrumb of relief. That feeling of ‘relief’ is actually ridiculously similar to the feeling of ‘love,’ which is why is often mistaken as such.

So, while the ‘low’ moments get lower, the ‘high’ moments also get lower as well. Not as much is needed to hoover you back into their web.

Abuse Amnesia:

In those moments when things were bad… they were really bad.

So, it’s almost as if, during the times when things weren’t completely fucking crazy, I was just content enough to not be on the rollercoaster.

I forgot about the gaslighting, I forgot about the angry rages, I forgot about the complete shut-down that I would go into. It was total abuse amnesia.

Plus, in some crazy way, the familiarity of having known this person so well and him knowing me so well, created some kind of unspoken loyalty.

I know how mental that sounds. Feeling loyal to someone who abused me. Feeling as though I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Because ultimately, as an empath, you feel the pain of others, so you don’t ever want to be the one to inflict it. And in comes the pattern of always putting others first, even if it’s at your own expense.

In the narcissist’s world, you are not important – they are the only ones who are important.

Leaving the Narcissist

They say the average length of time people endure a relationship with a covert narcissist is around 15 years. I believe it can be lower for other styles of narcissism because they can be more obvious.

Well, I did 20. It actually makes me sick to think I gave that man 20 of the best years of my life, when he did not deserve it.

But, I was in a karmic cycle and I had to break free of it myself to fully learn the lesson. It was no easy lesson to learn!

What is the lesson the empath must learn from the narcissist?

I realised one day, as I was dropping the kids off to the narcissist ex, that he was still automatically plugging into me energetically and filling up his tank (so to speak).

I was at the point where I was so done with his games that low contact was the only way forward for me.

So, on that particular day when I dropped them off, I was in and out like a lightning bolt. Not wanting to give him time to pull me into conversation, I didn’t make eye contact.

Interestingly, as I drove off, I felt guilty as hell!

Upon examination I realised that as an empath, I’m primed to automatically be open and as a narcissist he’s primed to automatically feed.

I had cut his supply and he didn’t like it. I could feel his ‘victim’ energy instantly when I did not give anything to him.

The guilt that I was feeling was him trying to pull me in energetically. It was as though he was saying, “how dare you have access to all that energy and give me nothing!”

The narcissists true gift to the empath, should you be willing to accept, is in learning how to truly own your own energy and heal your own deepest wounds.

They have stripped us down and stolen our self-worth. Now it’s time to recognise our golden worth and take it back.

As conscious beings, we have the most direct energetic access to divine source. Narcissists have no access to that divine energy and seek to take it from others – it’s all they know how to do.

When the narcissist was young, something happened which caused them to subconsciously sever their own True Self. From that moment on, all they were left with was their Ego, a completely False Self. As the False Self cannot access divine energy without the True Self being intact, the narcissist effectively cut off their own life force supply.

So, the narcissist is left as a drug addict, constantly seeking out their next supply, which they gain by stealing and manipulating it from others.

Throughout the process of being enmeshed with a narcissist, your deepest inner wounds have had the spotlight pointed onto them with each and every attack from the narcissist.

This is our true gift as an empath or conscious soul. We now have the chance to truly see our trauma for what it is, so that we can heal and release it. Life on the other side of healing your trauma will be nothing short of amazing.

However, life for the narc is forever doomed to deep self-hatred and a life dedicated to hunting supply. That’s literally it for them. It does not matter how good their outside world appears, it will never be enough and any form of supply is only a very temporary reprieve from their inner selves, who they absolutely despise.

Your karma is having the opportunity to grow and blossom into a beauty beyond your wildest dreams.

Their karma is never ever being able to experience peace, love, happiness or contentment in any form.

A World Beyond Narcissism

New Earth Energies

As we make our way forward into this unknown territory of the Aquarian Age, the energies on the planet are shifting and changing.

The New Earth energies are not supportive of those who project their own inner wounds onto others, without taking full responsibility.

I can see it playing out in my own life and lives of those around me. Take a look at your world and take note.

The divine is literally shining a spotlight for everyone to look at and own their own trauma. For those who choose not to, their lives will become increasingly difficult.

Manipulation will no longer be tolerated as it’s time for everybody to start learning how to be responsible for their own energy.

The empath and the narcissist relationships are coming to an end – no longer will we be available as their energetic source.

Empaths are levelling up, one-by-one and will no longer be available to be the energetic garbage collectors for narcissistic projection. People will be forced to wear their own energy and learn to transmute it for themselves.

We all must take responsibility for our own trauma, patterns and core wounds. No more can we give our power away to an outside source.

For those who choose not to look at their stuff, life on earth will become a self-imposed prison. For those who do choose to look at their shadows and take responsibility, they will be taking the steps towards their own freedom and sovereignty.

Together we’ve got this. No longer will the empath and the narcissist toxic fairytale have a hold on us!

Healing Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse

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