[12 Tips] Divorce a Narcissist and Win Authentically

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What I want to delve into today is the topic of how to divorce a narcissist and win.

I have some really helpful and practical tips to share, which will be essential to make habit of throughout the process. But more importantly, I want to look at the spiritual aspect of divorcing a narcissist.

Trust me when I say that the battle between you and the narcissist is a spiritual war between the light and the dark. What’s happening in the energetic realm runs so much deeper than just the narcissist wanting the money and property. They want to empty out your soul and completely exterminate you.

Being married to a narcissist is one thing, but the real test comes when you need to divorce one.

Make no mistake, to divorce a narcissist is to embark on one of the toughest, most devastating experiences of your life. This is literally a war of spiritual life and death.

Before even trying to divorce a narcissist, if you have the time, I’d highly recommend strengthening your inner being first and foremost. Instead of trying to play the narc’s game and beat them at it (spoiler alert: you will lose!), shift your focus to healing your own inner wounds and let that ripple off into your outer experience.

If the matter has already begun, it’s not too late! Working on yourself throughout the proceedings will help you to hold your authentic position, allowing everything to flow much more easily in your favour. The process and outcome will be much less traumatic, emotionally crippling and disastrous for you.

RELATED POSTS:
◆ [20 Tips] Separating from a Narc →
◆ Will they Come Back After No Contact? →
◆ When will a Narc Start to Panic? →
◆ Does a Narc Miss You? →

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Why Is Divorcing A Narcissist So Difficult?

Narcissists are not sane, rational people who can recognise the breakdown of a relationship and take responsibility for their part in it all.

They do not want to solve things peacefully and move on with their lives with as little collateral damage as possible.

They certainly do not want to see you happy and healthy, despite how the relationship has panned out.

In fact, what they want are the opposite of all of those things.

They want to drag you through the mud, watch you suffer, take everything that means anything to you and utterly destroy you in the process.

They want to win and come out on top. They want be compensated for what you’ve done to them. Because in the narcissist’s warped reality, they truly believe that they are in the right and you are the one who’s done all of the horrible things.

It’s all your fault!

They feel completely entitled to more than their fair share and will justify it till the cows come home.

When divorcing my covert narcissist ex, he truly believed that he was entitled to way more than 50% simply because he brought in the pay check and I stayed home with the children. His rationalisations behind it were completely wild and I remember thinking to myself, “my god, he’s actually a neanderthal.”

You are now public enemy #1, who must be abolished before you have the chance to take them out.

Narcissists have no conscious awareness that there are good people in the world who don’t act out of greed and selfishness. They think everyone is out to take what they can from others, just like them. This mindset justifies their self-serving and destructive behaviour, because they think that if they don’t crush you first, then you will crush them.

In their competitive reality, it’s every man or woman for themselves.

Once the narcissist sees that you no longer serve them, you become yesterday’s trash. If you are no longer a willing source of supply in which they can plug into and drain at their leisure, they must suck you dry by force, before completely eliminating you.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who left who. The narcissist’s ego sees the divorce as a huge rejection, which is unacceptable.

Their public image is everything to them, which means they cannot risk having you talking to anyone about anything which might put their false image in jeopardy. They must control the storyline, which serves to feed their belief of being the victim and that this is all your fault.

This is where things can get incredibly infuriating and soul crushing, because the narcissist will activate a campaign against you. They will even enlist your own friends, family and acquaintances (flying monkeys) to support their agenda and help to bring you down.

Just remember, those who are truly meant to be in your life, will be in your life on the other side of all of this. Everyone else can just fall away and doesn’t deserve a seat at your table. You simply won’t align with each other any more.

As for the physical ‘stuff’ that the narcissist is going after – they want it all. They’re completely entitled and do not believe that you deserve any of it. Their over-inflated ego truly thinks that they are superior and more deserving and that you must be punished by not getting any of it.

The false self lives in a material world and relies heavily on those external sources (money, property, business, appearances etc.) for validation of its own existence. They will not let you walk away with the very things that they see as their worth, without putting up a dirty and horrendous fight.

Divorce a Narcissist and Win – SPIRITUALLY

The Fight is About the Narcissist, Not You

If you haven’t already travelled down this road, it’s time to fully understand, as much as your empathetic soul can, that the narcissist never loved you, never cared for you and was only ever in it for themselves.

I know, they put on the greatest show on Earth and had you totally hoodwinked.
I know they love bombed you hard and made you believe that you were their whole world.
I know they invalidated you and gaslit you, then made you feel crazy for thinking that things weren’t right.
I know they looked you straight in the eyes and lied, with real tears rolling down their cheeks and all.
I know you believed their fake promises and apologies and took them back in, time and time again.

But I also know that… It. Was. All. Bullshit.

Every single thing they’ve ever done was a part of their elaborate, manipulative game to get you to trust them so that they could be your puppet master. In exchange, they were able to suck your life force energy and in fact, you were a willing participant (little did you know).

The trauma bond, which made you feel loyal to the very person who was hurting you, was strengthened by them over time with intermittent rewards and punishments. You became addicted to the rollercoaster ride of the relationship that was. They became your only source of relief from the very abusive behaviour that they were dishing out.

It was all one sick and twisted game to use you.

When they were initially getting to know you, they were a very attentive listener. You mistook that for someone who was genuinely interested in getting to know the real you. I guess that’s not a complete lie – they were definitely intent on finding out who you really were. Not to walk alongside you as a supportive partner, but rather so they could find out what your deepest, darkest insecurities, triggers and wounds were.

Then, they would open up those very wounds and intentionally rub salt into them. Why? Narcissistic supply – it’s always about supply.

Whenever they would get a reaction, you would unwittingly hand over your life force energy to them.

They made you become addicted to ‘needing’ them, as a way of feeding their own addiction.

In fact, you never needed them at all, they only ever needed you. And that right there is where the power lies. Once you know who they truly are and what they’re playing at, their game is up. The power shifts as you realise that you can instantly cut off their supply. Once their supply runs dry, they are left with no choice but to move on and leech off another innocent host.

Narcissists don’t want peaceful resolutions and happy endings. Their ego needs the drama and chaos to validate that it does in fact exist and must be incredibly powerful to be able to control the emotions and reactions of others in such a way.

The narcissist needs to create one big shitshow in order to suck any remaining life force out of you.

This whole fight is about them getting access to another big hit of their drug and taking all of the goodies in the process.

Now that you can truly understand what the divorce is really about for them, you can choose to not play their game.

However, I also know that logically knowing the information and the truth is simply not enough. The traumas they’ve hit and added to run deeper than you can ever imagine.

Your programmed fears of persecution, alienation, abandonment, lack of security and total annihilation will easily override your logical knowledge.

It’s that fear, which drives and feeds the narcissist.

This is why now more than ever, it’s time to turn within, heal those wounds and release the fear.

Recognise & Heal Your Inner Wounds

I know “heal your traumas” is probably not what you want to hear right now when looking at how to divorce a narcissist and win.

“How is ‘healing myself’ going to help me win a court case against the devil in disguise?!”

However, hopefully you’re starting to understand the unseen energetic war that is going on between the narcissist and yourself.

Essentially, the narcissist crushes you emotionally and mentally by locating your unhealed wounds and playing out exactly what they need to in order to floor you. This is how you lose you mind and play into their hands as being the “crazy, unhinged one,” while they’re playing it cool and slicing off your legs under the table.

So, what’s the solution to this problem? You locate those unhealed wounds yourself and heal them.

That way, the narcissist has zero ammunition against you. There is nothing that they can do to hurt you anymore and their game is up.

When you go through the process of meeting and releasing your trauma, piece-by-piece, the universe responds accordingly.

On a quantum level, whatever is playing out inside of you is what will show up in your outside world. The universal creator (whatever that is for you) doesn’t punish or destroy, it simply matches energy with energy.

If your inner world is filled with fears of being abandoned and left for dead, then that is the story which will play out in your life. The narcissist is likely to leave you on horrendous terms and take you for everything, leaving you with no security.

Alternatively, if your inner world is filled with self-love, peace, respect and total security within, then that is what will show up in your outer world. The narc will not be a vibrational match with that energy and you’ll find the court proceedings going naturally in your favour. You’ll be met with an outcome representing peace, respect and security for you.

So, how do you meet and heal those internal traumas?

The only way that I have found to be able to successfully walk the healing journey is through the NARP program by Melanie Tonia Evans (world renowned narcissist expert).

Although self care, meditation and doing inner child work has all been greatly beneficial for me, it still wasn’t shifting those traumas that needed to go. NARP has helped me release many lifetime’s worth of stuff even within the first month of starting the program and from there it’s onwards and upwards.

With the program, you pay a one-off price for a lifetime membership and will be walked through the process each and every time you do a shift. You can work on yourself from your own comfortable space whenever you can, in between work, kids, pets, hobbies and of course divorce proceedings.

Basic steps of a NARP healing:

1. Locate the unhealed trauma within your body
2. Load it up with all timeline experiences and emotions
3. Shift it out of your body to be dissolved
4. Bring the light into your body to replace the shadow

If you’re done with being used and taken for a ride by the narcissist and really want to divorce a narcissist and win authentically, quantum healing is the way to go.

Stand in Your Authentic Truth

The narcissist will put a whole lot of time and energy into superimposing their false, distorted reality over the truth. However, that overlay simply can’t hold forever. The organic truth still exists underneath, no matter what they try to do to hide that from everyone’s view.

When you stand in your authentic truth and disengage from whatever is being slung at you, the narcissist’s fabricated reality can’t stick. It’s an energetic law, which defies what their ego thinks it can override.

Even though you may find yourself being accused, slandered and threatened, the importance of ignoring it all and turning inwards has never been greater!

The fact that your life has come to such a dramatic and crucial moment is the fork in the road of your spiritual awakening.

You can choose to lower yourself to the narcissist’s level and try and fight them there, but the outcome is dire. You will almost certainly lose and without doing the inner work, will most likely repeat the same cycle with a different character. Meanwhile, the universe will continue to try and shake you awake.

Or, you can look at and acknowledge every single painful thing that the narcissist has triggered within you along the way. Then funnel all of your resources and energy into shifting those wounds out of your body so that the narcissist no longer has anything left to attack you with.

Narcissism will never be a match for true authenticity – they’re two very different energetic frequencies.

Divorce a Narcissist and Win – PRACTICAL TIPS

Narcissists fight hard and they fight dirty. Even if they are the one’s to have instigated the separation or divorce, it will still cause such a huge narcissistic injury in them, which must not go unpunished. Either way, they don’t believe that the break down of the relationship was because of anything they’ve done. Any of their words and actions are completely your fault, because they utterly refuse to take accountability for anything.

Narcissists are also pathological liars and I know this one is hard to fathom because they are so bloody good at it and had you going for so long. But really hanging onto this truth is going to help you in the upcoming divorce process.

The divorce isn’t even personal, although it will 100% feel like it. This is their ego on steroids, going on a rampage to win at all costs so as to protect itself.

The biggest thing is to remain centred and calm. Do not react to anything they say or do and do not show any surprise with the tactics they’ll pull out of the hat.

Knowing which narcissist divorce tactics may be coming your way will help to reduce the shock and surprise when they do.

Narcissist divorce tactics:

1. Psych you out before court to bring you undone emotionally, thus making you look ‘unhinged’ in court
2. Charm the judge so they appear to be the ‘sane’ one
3. Use delay tactics
4. Bleed you financially dry with legal expenses
5. Refuse to pay their own lawyers because they, “didn’t do their job properly”
6. Won’t negotiate or settle
7. Openly lie in court (swearing an oath means nothing to them)
8. Smear your name with false accusations
9. Attack you where it will hurt you the most (generally with the kids)
10. Take you back to court for more (for them, the war will never be over)

So, let’s get into some practical tips that you can arm yourself with when divorcing a narcissist.

Start an ‘Escape’ Fund

If you’re still with the narcissist and are trying to get out, it’s imperative to start an ‘Escape’ fund for yourself if you possibly can.

Open up a bank account with a completely different bank and make sure it’s not connect to any of your existing accounts in any way. Don’t get a bank card and ask for all correspondence to be via email (no physical statements being sent in the mail). Have it linked to a completely different email account, which the narc knows nothing about.

Deposit money into that account as often as you can so that if the narcissist decides to cut your off financially, you won’t be in dire straights.

Having some cash stashed away for an emergency moment is also highly recommended, just in case you can’t get to the bank when you need to.

You can tell your lawyer about this account and they will put it down as a shared asset to be split, so it won’t legally be held against you.

Gather Your Evidence

If you know you’re getting ready to separate from a narcissist, I highly recommend gathering copies of as many documents as you can before the event and have them stored away somewhere safe.

It pays to have electronic copies saved in at least one personal email account that the narcissist knows nothing about or doesn’t have any possibility of accessing.

Documents to have your own copies of:

• Bank statements
• Pay slips
• Tax information
• Property & vehicle paperwork
• Credit card & loan statements
• Insurance & registration paperwork
• Birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate
• Superannuation statements
• Valuable item receipts (jewellery, electronics etc.)

Keep Records

Leading up to, throughout and after you divorce a narcissist, it’s super important to record everything!

Get yourself a notebook and record and date anything that happens along the way with regards to the narcissist. We’re talking about communication from them, threats, social media comments, things they are doing and things they aren’t doing (depending on what they should be doing).

Take screenshots of any messages they send (even if you think it might amount to nothing), then add a note about it in your notebook under that date. Keeping everything together in date order within the notebook will help to pull together all of the other documents, emails, messages etc, that you’re keeping in other locations.

Keeping records:

• Our Family Wizard for communication regarding the children
• Notebook with dates for every little thing that happens along the way
• Screenshot messages etc.
• Save emails in a folder
• Record voice conversations & voice mail messages

Choose the Right Lawyer

When you need to divorce a narcissist and win, you want to make sure you’ve got the right professional representing you.

Ask questions to find out where their awareness stands with narcissism.

You need to choose a lawyer who’s well-versed in working with manipulative and unyielding people. Narcissists are pathological liars. They don’t just lie to you, they lie to everyone, including judges, police officers and lawyers. Your lawyer needs know who they are up against and be able to counter the narc’s false version of events.

Don’t let them talk you out of a lawyer

Don’t let the narcissist try and convince you that you can settle it out of court because they’ll “look after you.” They won’t. This is just more of their future faking bs.

At the beginning of my separation with the narcissist, he told me he’d always make sure the kids and I were taken care of.

Then months later when the topic of child support was broached, he totally flipped, “why should I have to pay you – you chose to leave!” He went on to refuse payment, threatened me with all sorts, gaslighted me, haggled down on the price, then claimed, “I’m just trying to work this out reasonably. Why are you being so difficult?”

Questions to ask a potential lawyer:

• Could you please see their success rate with past divorce cases?
• How familiar are they with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and other mental disorders?
• Do they have any experience working with highly manipulative individuals?
• Do they have experience with high conflict cases?

Joining a narcissistic abuse survivor group can be a good way to see what lawyers others have used and if they had success with them or not. Word of mouth might be the best way to go when trying to find a lawyer who’ll help you divorce a narcissist and win.

‘Legally’ Educate Yourself

Legal jargon and processes are not something the average person knows how to navigate successfully. And going up against a manipulative narcissist in the legal world is enough to induce extreme fear and anxiety in anyone!

You just know they’re going to twist everything around, have the judge playing right into their hands and take you for every last thing you’ve got left.

Thankfully, you don’t have to be a lawyer to be able to traverse this minefield successfully. Yes, you will need a damn good lawyer on your side, but armed with the right tools, you will be able to make sure that happens.

Rebecca Zung is an attorney sitting in the top 1% of her game. She is also a narcissist expert who has been going up against these toxic people for over 20 years and winning!

I know what you’re thinking, you don’t have the money to be hiring one of the world’s top attorneys, as much as you’d love to.

Don’t stress, you don’t have to.

Rebecca is fully aware of just how many people need her help, but simply don’t have the means to do so (nor would she have enough hours in the day to do it all).

So, she’s created a course walking you through exactly how to SLAY your divorce.

SLAY the Narcissist:

S – Super Strong Strategy
L – Invincible Leverage
A – Anticipate the narc’s moves and be two steps ahead at all times
Y – Focus on You and your case

Here’s a taste of what to expect from the course:

• Samples of how to respond to emails and texts
• 50 key phrases to disarm the narcissist
• Questions for vetting a lawyer who’s capable of dealing with the narcissist
• Understanding how the narcissist will act and react
• Documentation at a glance
• Creating amazing leverage
• The ‘I See Everything’ timeline
• ‘Make My Lawyer My Ally’ packet
• Interactive workbook
• Plus so much more incredibly helpful material!
• Can be completed in under 4 hours – providing immediate relief

Essentially, this course will help you understand exactly how to approach the divorce, remove the emotion and come out on top. You’ll save thousands of dollars from going back and forth between lawyers and meetings because you will be right on the game. You’ll be able to move forward more quickly, easily, confidently and remain calm and organised throughout.

Communication

When it comes to communicating with the narcissist during the legal process, do it all through your solicitor. That way they can word things in the best way to benefit your own case and not fall into any traps.

If the narc tries to contact you in other ways, which is quite likely, keep copies of everything and do not respond – you are not obliged to in any way. Take screenshots of messages, keep any voicemail messages and file all emails safely in a folder. You never know what may come in handy as evidence against them along the way.

If you’ve got children with the narcissist (my condolences), keep all communication in the written form. If they call you, do not answer the phone, but instead use email, text messages or a messaging app (as long as they can’t ‘unsend’ messages).

Our Family Wizard is a fantastic app, which many courts are actually appointing people to use for communicating about the children. Everything is transparent and recorded. The narcissist has much less ability to manipulate and deviate from the rules because they will expose themselves.

Our Family Wizard app features:

• CALENDAR – Track parenting schedules, share appointment details, submit requests to change parenting times.
• MESSAGE BOARD – Messages between parents, which cannot be edited, deleted or retracted.
• JOURNAL – Record observations, share the kids’ moments, ‘check-in’ to locations and for pick-ups/ drop offs.
• EXPENSE LOG – Track shared parenting expenses, attach receipts, inform of upcoming payments.
• INFO BANK – Store medical history, insurance info, emergency contacts, school schedules etc.

It’s essential to avoid being put on the spot with the narcissist through verbal communication. They know you incredibly well and will know how to manipulate you so that you end up playing right into their hands.

Stick to the bare minimum facts about the kids and do not deviate away from that. If they try to bring in other topics, do not respond to them.

If you need to show up to appointments and meetings where you know the narcissist will be, avoid being left alone with them. Show up right on time, then leave directly after the appointment – no lingering!

Communication when divorcing a narcissist:

• Communicate through your lawyer
• Stick to the bare minimum facts
• Don’t communicate verbally
• Written communication only (email, text or court appointed app)
• Avoid lingering with the narcissist before or after meetings

Find Your Support

If you want to divorce a narcissist and win, you’re going to need support.

If you feel as though the safety of yourself and your children is in jeopardy, please seek help from the relevant places ASAP. Women’s shelters offer a wealth of support for women in need, especially if you’re not sure on which way to turn.

I know finding true, authentic support when separating from a narcissist can be a tricky task when the narc has actively smeared you to all and sundry. Honestly, if you’ve still got a couple of friends and family members on your side by this point who don’t believe a word of the narc, then you definitely deserve to celebrate that.

Having moral support throughout this process is going to be imperative in helping you stand strong in your authentic truth. These people will cheer you on, no matter what untruths are spewing out of the narcissist’s mouth both in and out of court.

You may need support with the kids, finances, accommodation, work and whatever else your situation calls for.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help in your greatest time of need.

I know you’re used to dealing with a narcissist, where you were never able to put yourself first or make your own needs known. But your support crew is not the narcissist. You will not be a burden on those who genuinely care about you and want to help you.

Self Care

Self care is not selfish, it’s actually essential right now for your health and well-being.

When I was healing from and divorcing a narcissist husband, the one thing that my mind, body and soul needed at the end of each day wasn’t Netflix – it was a long, hot bubble bath. It became so essential to what my soul required that I knew it was my daily medicine.

You will most definitely need to prioritise some time every, single day to whatever self care practices soothe your soul.

Self care ideas:

• Walk in nature
• Soothing bath or shower
• Gratitude list
• Journal your feelings
• Yoga or meditation
• Eat a healthy meal
• Tea or coffee with a good friend
• Curl up with a book

Even if you’ve only got short bursts of time for yourself, there are still plenty of ways to incorporate 5-minute self-care activities.

What About the Children & Pets?

Unfortunately, the ones who can suffer the most when you divorce a narcissist are the kids.

Although I don’t recommend lying to the kids (they’re far smarter than what we give them credit for), they don’t need to know the ugly ins-and-outs of what’s going on.

If one of the kids finds you crying and asks if everything is okay, you can be honest about your feelings, “I’m feeling a bit sad right now, so I needed to just have a little cry.”

When the kids have their own moments of emotion (fear, anger, sadness etc.), hug them and let them know that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling. Given that they’ve got one parent who’s narcissistic and emotionally shut down, to not repeat the cycle we want the kids to know that big emotions are a completely normal part of the human experience.

You can totally assume that the narc is likely to drop snide comments about you to the kids for two reasons. They want to puff themselves up and look like the ‘better’ parent, which in their world is done by pulling the other parent down. Plus, they will no doubt be hopeful that those comments get back to you and trigger you.

The best advice I ever heard was that kids learn more from what we do than what we say.

My stance has always been to not say a bad word about their father to them and allow the kids to grow on their own journey. They need their dad, regardless of the relationship break down and I will not do anything to ruin that, as long as they’re safe and happy.

They will see things for themselves over the years, I don’t even need to say a word. They will also come to realise as adults that the parent who offered the most loving, supportive home, never slandered the other parent. While the parent who was quick to blow their fuse and didn’t feel as ‘safe’ to be around (even if they don’t have the words to describe it), often talked smack about the other parent.

They will make up their own minds.

If the kids talk about things that their narcissistic parent has said or done, you can definitely address the behaviour and express that it’s not okay. You don’t need to tarnish the other parent with the ‘narcissist’ brush. Again, the kids will probably figure it out for themselves all in good time and you’re free to have the conversation with them once they’re fully autonomous adults.

Narcissists and Pets

As for custody of pets when you split, be aware that if you walk away with the pet/s, you can bet that the narcissist will not be happy about it. To them, the pets are part of the ‘assets’ in which they think they’re 100% entitled to. They will want to claim the pets because they want to win – not because they genuinely care about the animals.

If they walk away with the pets, be prepared to see happy selfies with the narc, the new supply and your beloved pet all over social media. It’s another chance for them to showcase that they’ve ‘won’ and you’re the sad loser. They may even use pets to smear you and rewrite the storyline about how terrible a pet owner you were and how amazing they are (the complete opposite of the truth).

For more on how narcissists view and treat pets, check out the article below.

In Closing…

I hope this post has been helpful in giving you a really clear picture on what’s really going on when you divorce a narcissist (and win). The whole dynamic is so much more than just some greedy schmuck trying to take all the ‘stuff.’

You’re dealing with a person who has no true authenticity because they cut off the connection to that part of themselves a very long time ago.

Now they’re left being driven completely by their self-serving ego, which only functions in the lower energetic realm of greed, manipulation and corruption.

You could feel sorry for them… but you’re far better off pouring your energy into healing yourself and rising into a vibration where narcissism simply cannot exist. The outcome of your divorce, plus your future life will be so much more beautiful because of it.

This truly is an amazing blessing and opportunity for you, just as my darkest hour was my greatest miracle as well.

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